one of those moments where i feel i'm burning out. mom wants me to stay in the hospital with her, this will be my second night, and i feel like i'm NOT getting the basic rest i need, physically, mentally, or emotionally. no time outs. i had no chance to spend time with God today outside of church. i'm running out of apples in my basket.
my family doesn't seem to get how i'm feeling, or how much mom doesn't want to be alone.... so it's all on ME to stay with her.... it's on MY shoulders. (i'm not speaking spiritually - i'm speaking about physically who's taking on the most.) at least it is in the physical, if no one will help me out in that area.... mom wants me to help her have a bath.... but it took me a week to muster up the energy to have my own, and sometimes i'm feeling like i'm almost falling over from fatigue but i have to help her in every little thing she can't do for herself, like fetch ice water, or unplug her iv machine, or wash her toes....
"hey little girl with the pressures of the world on your shoulders..." (tobymac, 'irene')... no wonder i've had a sore back! i am definately relying on God for strength... becuase i'm already at a place where i have NONE. yet, the promise, "as your day is, so shall your strength be".... so i keep plugging along.
spiritually i am so at peace with mom's condition.... but i'm straining physically and mentally, i'm just drained.... and i physically need rest. and time in the vineyard with God.
most importantly, time in the vineyard.... and 48 hours of sleep.
so i need to toe the fine line of setting 'godly boundaries' (is there really such a thing?).... with my mom, with my family, and most of all MYSELF - because i am the one who has diffulty saying, "i can't do that," and sticking to my guns.
my uncle just phoned from the hospital, that mom was wondering if i was still coming... i said 'yes'. he said 'when?' what i SAID was "i don't know."
what i FELT like screaming was "whenever i get the freakin' energy to get up off this here ball and gather some clothes and find mom's will and change my clothing and drive over to the hospital to spend the night with my sick mother and have little/poor sleep.... and you? when the heck are you going to stay overnight so i can get some rest? who do you think i am, wonderwoman?"
oooh, snarky, snarky.
Oh Lynne,
ReplyDeleteIt is so normal to feel what you are feeling and you are allowed to have your moments.If you are burning out though you won't be any help to you or your mom,and you should try and tell your uncle how you are feeling.I will try and hook up with you tommorrow,even if i have to hunt you down at the hospital as we are hitting and missing.p.s. thanks for helping me out with my migraine and blog.luv yah!!! Thinking about you
I pray you have a restful sleep tonight, one that will take you through a few more days. I love you Lynne. I remember my uncle saying to me once, "When the needs of our parents turn into needs just like a baby has we have to remember, they took care of us when we were young and we take care of them when they are old. That is how it works." When I read your post I thought of the many days with my babies that I thought that I couldn't even wake and face another day because I was so exhasted... but I do, and you will too. God will give you the strength and remember that it will all be worth it. Your mom loves you so much. You are being the greatest blessing in these days, just what she needs. Even if someone could take your place, you are who your mom wants to be with. Rest up because tomorrow is bound to be another full day. Love you!
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