Clover is

Clover is fearfully sharing some of the things she felt like putting on her facebook status and was too afraid to.

Clover is clinging to God's promise that He has a plan and purpose for her in the midst of craziness.

Clover is tired of being weak, sin-natured, and always struggling to just function.

Clover is tired of always being afraid of people judging her.

Clover is tired of always being told who to be.

Clover is scared of the immensity of her emotions.

Clover is tired of the fight to try to express her true feelings.

Clover wishes life was simpler, easier.

Clover is grateful for simple, strong arms that hug her when she is crying.

Clover is hurting.

Clover is feeling like a soccer ball - kicked.

Clover feels like a target.

Clover is pissed as hell.

Clover is tired of the fight to share her true feelings and then having it thrown back in her face as being self-piteous.

Clover wishes her life, experiences, pain, and very being were validated instead of crushed.

Clover is thankful for a friend who i can be myself, warts and all, with, and she still loves me - warts and all.

Clover is sick of being judged.

Clover is sick of people who are "me so holy".

Clover is sick of always trying to keep things bottled up to stay in control.

Clover wants to break things.

Clover wishes she was in a rubber room and could just let it all out.

Clover is not so good.

Clover is worth shit.

Clover is tired of hearing "rebuke that thought" when she's fighting to access her feelings and emotions for the first time in her life. guess what, it's a real feeling, and Jesus doesn't tell me to suck it up, girlfriend!

Clover is tired of hearing that she just has to try harder, pray more, and pull up her bootstraps.

Clover is tired of people who will only love and accept you if you meet their expectations of who you should be, how you should act, and how mature/healed/delivered you are instead of leaving that in God's hands and loving you anyways.

Clover is just plain tired.

Clover is tired of always being tired.

Clover is tired of life.

Clover wants to "run, run away".

Clover wants to go home. and home just isn't here.

i got a case of the miffles

miff'les n. 1. a symptom of being miffed. 2. a symptom of being irritable or having been irritated.

a few examples:

1. people letting you know their opinion of something that you didn't ask for and is none of their business anyway. for example, did i need to hear a complete stranger in mcdonalds tell me she thought i'd be prettier without dreads? aaaarrrrggghhhh!
   
2. being stared at... and THEY know YOU know they are staring... and they keep staring anyways. ....are you trying to say something to me?
   
3. being blamed for someone else letting YOU down, go figure that one out.
4. seeing caretakers for someone you love being rude and condescending and demeaning and you can't do anything about it, BLEEEAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!......
5. ....because said caretakers treat you as though you have no rights, because well, you have none, even though that person wants to marry you and spend the rest of their life with you, and, well, a promise ring means nothing, right?

end rant.

God is definitely working on increasing the limit of my patience and longsuffering accounts!

two hands

looking down at our hands,
mine inside the larger -
fine sun bleached hair,
tanned and strong -

i asked,
Lord, what do You *really*
think about this?

clear as day i saw -
a ribbon, beautiful -
like satin velvet - yet gossamer -
delicate - yet strong -
wrap around and across -
like a ribbon around a present -
binding our hands -
joining them together -

oh, the stuff of promise
that holds my heart intact
when the very next day
i learn this hand -
this strong hand -
this tanned, sun bleached hair hand -
is soon to be whisked
away.

i will trust You, Lord
that when i ask You for Your heart
i will not see a lie.


~by me, aug 15/08

guard ye your heart

hmmm, ok, some veddy personal musings here....

...but i'm trying to figure something out....

...how exactly does one *not* fall in love?

"do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"....

i'm trying danged hard, but it seems to be happening nonetheless.

does that mean it's time?

aaaarrrgghhhh!!!!!!

if only God would say a clear yes or no.

but the only thing clear is that it is *not* a no.

He keeps cautioning me to not walk away, not not discount what He can do, oh ye of little faith i am. i keep seeing visions of what God *could* do, His potential in another person, in two people together. He tells me to not walk away from what is illogical, not 'common sensical', because He chooses the base things of the earth, of which i myself am one.

(please, no one try to argue that last point with me under the false illusion of trying to get me to acknowledge my role in God's plan, or natural worth in anything.... it's ALL God, none of me, i am well aware of my depravity thank you veddy much... and that's not what this post is about, k? :P)

He has done, is capable of, and will do GREAT things..... and He will not let me forget that fact.

(as clouded as my head has been lately, when i know it's His voice, i know that i know that i know.... y'know?)

i want to guard my heart from things that are not Him..... but i do not want to guard my heart from things that *are* Him.

He just says, "walk in faith, girl".... and i see Him smiling bemusedly as He, knowing all things, sees me walking in utter lack of any other compass point but Him (as there is none other). and He says Trust ME. Walk In FAITH. Don't Look Down.

....*and*....

He says walk in freedom in the convictions I have given you. accept no judgement. do before others what you have no shame in doing before Me.

forgive me my fear of judgement, Lord - my fear of man.

recent pics of el pinko

my name is Not Common!

HowManyOfMe.com

There are 2 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

general update

comp keeps phasing out on me.... backing stuff up like crazy cuz this baby is dyin'!!!!!

anyways.

sunday.

FUN.

cried a LOT.

got totally wasted.

ANOINTED!

the Spirit was sure a-movin'.

*******

meep.......

*******

woke up this morning with a killer sore throat. thank You Lord for cepacol.

doc appointment tomorrow. hopefully not strep. last time i got strep i resisted it and when i finally saw the doctor he bawled me out cuz i was almost at the point i would have needed intraveinous antibiotics. he said if it didn't improve in the next day or two, i would have to have an iv. so this time i'm glad i already have an appointment tomorrow. get it checked.

also my rash..... it once was red and killer itchy. after sunday, it's been pale pink and not so itchy. God healing it????? i hope so~!!!!!

*******

sometimes i think i write rather blah. but that's ok, if i only *ever* had eloquence in my blog, it would be rather contrived. so i'll just spill. if i'm feeling eloquent, great. if i write in colloquialisms, fine. if i blah blah blah, fine. it's all good.

*******

um...... i have pics i could post but i'm lazy right now.

oh, ok. if you insist.

me, doing something - and in something - i miss very much.

my favorite wild flower

ahem.

in principle.

because i'm a sucker for the underdogs.

the western skunk cabbage

from wikipedia

"While some consider the plant to be a weed, its roots are food for bears, who eat it after hibernating as a laxative or cathartic. The plant was used by indigenous people as medicine for burns and injuries, and for food in times of famine, when almost all parts were eaten. The leaves have a somewhat spicy or peppery taste. Although the plant was not typically part of the diet under normal conditions, its large, waxy leaves were important to food preparation and storage. They were commonly used to line berry baskets and to wrap around whole salmon and other foods when baked under a fire. It is also used to cure sores and swelling." from wikipedia

God created it and called it good, so it is beautiful in His eyes. it's aroma is fragrant in His nostrils. it's useful in His hands, and plays a part in His plan.

more evidence of the Designer's hand and of it's honorable beauty:

"The leaves are the largest of any native plant in the region, 50-135 cm long and 30-80 cm wide when mature. Its flowers are produced in a spadix contained within a large, bright yellow or yellowish green spathe 30-40 cm tall; it is among the first flowers to appear in spring. The skunk cabbage also produces heat. During the Winter the heat it produces melts the snow around it so that it is able to survive." .... "The plant is called Skunk Cabbage because of the malodorous, distinctive "skunky" odor that it emits. This odor will permeate the area where the plant grows, and can be detected even in old, dried specimens. The foul odor attracts its pollinators, scavenging flies and beetles. Other common names include Yellow Skunk Cabbage and Swamp Lantern." from wikipedia

******

i love the name "swamp lantern". as though it emits light.

jus' call me skunk!

hallelujah for handymen.... and peroxide

well, my toilet is unstopped, and the bathroom is pretty much (peroxide) bleached out(no chlorine for me!). bonus, i got new taps in the sink. but most of all...

...A WORKING TOILET!!!!! HALLELUJAH!!!!!! no more bucket, praise the Lord.

luka