.......

to move or not to move

ah yes, bleh.

(as an aside, i wonder if i write too much in this blog and thus cause anything i write that is of note or value to be buried in a landslide of words???)

anyhoo.

basically, i cannot afford to live here, pay the bills, and eat. one or more would have to go.

car's done for now, already taken out of the equation.

(how was i managing? with a little help from the uncle ie. mom's estate... but i'm not going to put up with the demeaning bullshit anymore...)

i love where i am, i love my neighbors, it's well kept inside (no mold), it's all good.

at the same time i struggle with basic housework, life organization, and get utterly overwhelmed by everything to the point of non-functioning.... and i want to bail, have a bonfire somewhere and burn all my personal/historical stuff, get rid of everything else, and live out of a suitcase in some room somewhere. or a tent (i have a pretty warm sleeping bag!).

i'm not kidding, or exaggerating.

perhaps this is too transparent to say (or depressing) but i don't even want to be here anymore. i mean here - on earth.

2Cr 5:6-8
So we are always confident, knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord. For we walk by faith, not by sight. We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord.

i'm tired.

so how the hell can i even think about moving?! ...but then how the heck am i going to live if i don't? i just can't deal with this.

i am weak, Lord. be my strength. i have none. and i can't find Yours. :'(

csi creepiness

so, it looks like they are shooting an episode of CSI just around the corner and down the street....

only there's no cameras, no lights, and no directors to say 'action'....

and its the RCMP, not vegas, or miami, or nyc police people....

there's all those little numbered evidence tag thingys, and people in white suits, too.

i hope it's not what it looks like. =(

*******

it was - the news.

hmm, yes, lovely

came darn close to blacking out last night (after going to the loo), majorly painful cramping, hands got cold and white, darkness and flashes of light were closing in on my vision.....

crawled to the phone, and called an ambulance, then my dear friend mickie... waited a few minutes on the cool linoleum.... the paramedics took my blood pressure, sat me up.... i managed to walk to the amby (i guess that means i was ambulatory by then, lol) and got a nice ride 2 blocks to emerg.

saw the doc, he poked around my belly and listened to my gurgling gut, then sent me home.

he said it was just (albeit he acknowledged it was a scared-the-hell-outta-me 'just') .... gas cramps.

i think they were chuckling when i left.

needless to say, i was - and still am - not so amused....

i thought i was gonna die!

a better day today

not in tip top shape, but in some semblance of sanity again.

took it easy today. watched a movie and ate lunch with machoo, then hung out with danie and kidlets for much of the day, watched movies and ate pizza, then machoo picked me up again and walked me home. which i muchly appreciated, being 10 pm on a saturday night, welfare weekend to boot!

it strikes me how when one is most out of it, it is hardest to connect with people. i know when i'm like that it is *sooo* hard to communicate, so i don't (or can't)..... and i guess others don't really know what to say or do, so they don't.

but for those who rallied around me this week, i sank yous.... *grateful tears*

the voice of truth

cannot explain it

but i've had a bad day.






a very bad day.

...and the day is only half over...

i get up at 7 to walk at 8 to my appointment at 9.

i'm walking down the sidewalk, and there's a kitten (3-4 months?) just lying there like it's napping away... but i realized it was dead. eyes open, not moving, no response when i whistled, ground wet under it's head.

i have a hell of an appointment.

on way back, i go past where the kitten was, its not there, but there were about a dozen crows milling around, probably caught a smell lingering....

go shopping and browse for the next 3 hours.

say hi to the folk at neo.

force myself to eat something at mcd's.

head for home.

stop in at ss and lay on the lawn watching machoo wash windows (best part of my day so far - peaceful).

come home to a messy house i can't deal with, and budget papers to look at.

bury my nose in the comp.

and now, going for a nap.

..... if i can sleep.

ashes to ashes

everything i do
is still wrapped up in you -
your hopes - your dreams - your fears -
Life According To You.

living day to day,
its you who's paved my way -
your goals for me control me,
- it's for freedom i am free! -
but your
- glue -
it never leaves me,
my companion every day -
it never leaves me free
- it's for freedom i am free! -
to be just me,
little ol' me,
me in Jesus' way.

these ropes around my ankles,
were a gift to me, from you -
wrapped around, with knotted bow,
and tied in place by you -
and always and forever,
to be denied by you .

you tell me, oh just do it,
you say i have the skills!
- there's no reason i can't do it,
- if i only just believe -
- just set my mind to do it...
- and surely i'll succeed.

i try, i trip, i fall, i fail,
tangled in these ropes -
- but it's my very own fault,
- because, i'm sure you see,
- i didn't try quite hard enough,
- i didn't 'just believe'.

my grieving is a rending wail,
yet you tell me what to feel...

don't i bother crying
tears do me no good
- no one else will help me -
- for everyone's my enemy -
only you believe in me
you only want the best for me
- there's no rope around my ankles -
- what am i talking about! -
you only want the best for me
your love for me is pure, you see
- when the time comes i will be more than able -
- to live, wash dishes, or set the table -
don't worry about it for now
you'll do it for me, again
- i'll figure it out on my own
- when i have to, later, then.

......."how could you be mad at her?
......."think of all she's done for you,
......."think of how she's taken care of you,
......."how even now she's providing for you..."

so again i get up, and try to live,
your standards and goals hanging over my head -
i must live - right now - i must live - today -
independent - all alone - it must be this way.

i run, i trip, i fall, i wail,
my imaginary ropes around my ankles-
- every moment that i live
- i'm still wrapped up in you
- you tell me how to live and think
- and how to be like you.

it's true, each moment,
you are in my head -
you've succeeded there,
and you're proud, i'll bet!
but guess what, you're not my god -
you're just the jones' in my head!
so shut your rotten mouth -
and shove your rules of lead -
cuz ashes to ashes -
dust to dust -
you - are - friggin' - dead!

*******

me - 9/24/08
(1st draft, anyhoo)

the heartrending story of the lolrus

i love how this has come about on ichc..... starting from one lol pic and morphing on it's own over time into a saga that still goes on to this day.... i would say that is a good example of the larger definition of a meme.

here it is, the *must read* of the season: Teh story of teh lolrus who haz lost his Bukkit


*******

speaking of memes.....