anxiety vs anxiety

"The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith; and the beginning
of true faith is the end of anxiety."
-- George Müller

this has got me thinking. and i question this quote. why?

there is truth to it. but not total truth...

because this morning as i'm sitting here, typing, reading, musing, waking up, yawning, stretching, in total peace in God's sovereignty and grace...

...i'm having a bit of a panic attack. where adrenalin wants to swamp me, the world is caving in, and my head feels almost detached from my body.

but y'know? those things - while they may be occuring in my physical body - are outside the boat. me and Jesus are in the boat.

does that mean that i never fall out of the boat and am swamped and fearful, and not trusting God? no it doesn't.

but i'm illustrating that it's not necessarily that clear cut, that 'anxiety = lack of faith'.

Jesus Himself had some physical anxiety symptoms going on when He was sweating blood. but had He somehow lost some of His faith and knowledge that He was in the Father's hand? dare i say DUH?! of course not.

i'm not saying we are as solid in our faith as Deity, lol. but who are we to condemn ourselves and accuse ourselves of having walked out of faith just because we are trembling or sweating or our hearts are racing, and our brain is flooding us with images of 'what if what if what if'? those are all facets of the body revving up for survival. guess what... God made our bodies that way.

and i think we do the Creator God an injustice if we do not recognize the difference between bodily, physical anxiety, and the anxiety born of not walking in faith.

see, this morning i could easily feel condemned by that quote, because biochemical anxiety is running rampant in me. but i know i am secure in God's Hand, in His plan, in His grace. and not just know, but *know* in the depths of my being.

am i 'anxious' this morning? yes. ...but i am walking through this biochemical storm, and in a sense, looking at it from outside, above, through the eyes of God.... and going, *pshaw*... what an itty bitty storm in God's equation. and laugh, because i am so utterly safe.

so i let the storm blow itself off, the *what ifs* fall by the wayside, and go forward unconcernedly.... because i am cuddled up safe in the boat with my Jesus.

Lord, may i always stay here with You....

internal idols

"i would only be happy - or, i could finally live life - if only....."

if only i could get my house in order. if only i could get over this *thing* that keeps me from the sink full of dishes. if only i could get on top of this pile of sliding mud, and stay there - finally.

i *cant* do these things. and i think it's partly because i am idolizing those 'states of being'. idolizing the goal of functional 'independance' and total 'ability' to do those things most ppl take for granted doing as a normal part of day to day life.

learning to be content in lack is more than just provisional lack. it's lack of ability and independance. its a lack of any reason to boast in my housekeeping skills. it's lack of feeling useful, even.

comes down to being vs doing.

i think martha shamed mary because she chose to sit instead of do.

how much more unfair would it be if - even while knowing she is at the feet of her Lord - she was being shamed even though she couldn't get up and *do* even if she wanted. if she was -blessedly- stuck at the feet of Jesus - but stuck nonetheless.

how could she forsake the world and sit at Jesus' feet and feel content there - as she should - when every other voice is screaming GET UP!!! JESUS HAS NOW LEFT THE BUILDING! TIME'S UP!!! NOW GET OFF YOUR LAZY A&&!!! ....ignoring that you *would* if you just had legs to stand on...?!

how to be content in that? how to lay down ones own expectations of what they should be able to do? of how they should be able to, once their time at Jesus' feet is 'done', get up and get busy with?

how does one get past the guilt, shame, and condemnation of something they cannot change, in and of themselves... and that the Almighty Sovereign Lord is, for whatver reason, not changing either?

Oh, to forsake this confusing world. i would that i could sit at Jesus feet with *no* concern about these other things i can't take care of. it's the tyranny of the shoulds.

dance of mahanaim

this is soo beautiful. i file it away in my archives ;) .... but maybe you will be blessed in your marriage now! :)

the whirlwind

yes, the audio is in english. :)

part one:


part two:

panting after Him....

ten shekels and a shirt - paris reidhead

powerful...

do you desire God?

God, increase my desire for You.
may i desire You more than the things of the world
increase my hunger for You
give me grace to seek You.
may i desire You more than girl time, fashion chat, and mommy talk
God give me nothing of those, and more of You.
help me separate from worldly desires, and to desire only You.
take away my desire for a mate, for children, for comfort,
and increase my desire for Your Kingdom to come.
fan the flames in my heart, oh God
crush me to a billion pieces if it glorifies you.
forgive me for wanting good things, and not the best
for my good things fall so short of Your best
--and not Your best for me, but Your best for Your glory!!
keep me in Your way, oh God
put my feet on the path of holiness and separation from the world
that my light be muddied by the darkness around me,
but shine brightly and truely before all men
take compromise from my soul
take the care for friendship and the fear of man from me
forgive me for my unfaithfulness
forgive me for my lack of fervor
stir me up oh God
may Your Spirit combust me
and Your fire shine forth as i become nothing
oh God, have mercy on me.....

soften hearts of stone

That blood which Thou hast spilt,
That grace which is Thy own,
Can cleanse the vilest sinner's guilt,
And soften hearts of stone!

Low at Thy feet I bow;
O pity and forgive!
Here will I lie, and wait till Thou,
Shalt bid me rise and live!

--John Newton

when i survey...

i have never seen the second and fourth verses.... why would we ever leave them out? they are incredible truths!!!

WHEN I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of Glory died,
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride.

Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast
Save in the death of Christ my God;
All the vain things that charm me most,
I sacrifice them to his blood.

See from his head, his hands, his feet,
Sorrow and love flow, mingled down;
Did e're such love and sorrow meet?
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?

His dying crimson like a robe
Spreads o'er his body on the tree,
Then am I dead to all the globe,
And all the globe is dead to me.

Were the whole realm of Nature mine,
That were a present far too small:
Love so amazing, so divine
Demands my soul, my life, my all.

Isaac Watts

priorities