the challenges of late

hmm. so i haven't been blogging much lately.... i haven't been doing too much really. i'm tired, and sleeping a fair bit. but i'm not allowing myself to beat myself up for it, either, cuz there appears to be a reason for it.

my doc thinks i have sleep apnea.... where you stop breathing in your sleep..... so you wake up over and over and over again, your blood oxygen level goes down, and your sleep is very poor. as a result, during the day, you're very tired and unrested, your brain is fogged from lack of sleep, and there can be other problems too.

last weekend i did a home test with a portable pulse oximeter, where you clip a measuring thingy on the end of your finger and it reads - and records - both your blood oxygen level and your heart rate.

surprising thing to me was how my heartbeat was all over the place! very little regularity... i thought our heartbeat was supposed to be somewhat regular, at least! when i was at rest, it would flash green with every heartbeat, as it's supposed to. as soon as i moved around in bed, to turn over, adjust my pillow, or got up for a trip to the bathroom, it would get very irregular, flash orange, triple beat, or even stop entirely for a few seconds.

oh dear.

so up comes the whole 'fear of death' thing.

#1 - God planned the day of my death (which is only a leaving of the mortal realm and going to be in the presence of God fully, whoo hoo!!!!!) BEFORE THE FOUNDATION OF THE WORLD.

gotta remember that one!!!!!

#2 - am i going to look at my circumstances, or am i going to fix my eyes on what God has said - and believe THAT - regardless of how things look?!?

gotta remember that one, too!

ain't nothing can change God's plans for me. those are no 'wishful thinking' plans, that God would 'like' to do in my life, but His hands are tied, depending on the whims of the enemy - no, those are the plans and purposes from BEFORE THE FOUNDATION OF THE WORLD of an OMNIPOTENT GOD! far above all other principalities and powers! there is no preempting them! no matter how things 'look'!

so nothing has changed - if God wants to bring me home tomorrow, He will - and if He wants to take me out in 70 years, nothing can change that, flip-flopping heart or not!

where do i want to be, anyways? do i not yearn to be with Him, with no encumbrances such as a mortal body in the way? YES!

when i saw that heartbeat-flash stop - and yes, my heart had stopped, i checked, and i could feel the stillness - for several seconds, did i feel dread? no..... it was bated excitement - i was like, could it be? is it time, Lord? then it starts beating again, and i'm like, oh. ok, i'm still here, for the time being. i'll keep on keepin' on, Lord.

in the meantime, God has a purpose for me being so tired. in some way, shape or form, i am in training. it may not look like it to the world, but i am a warrior. He is training my hands for war and my fingers for battle.

now my fingers need to attack and go turn off the dumb tv. the news ended, and some dumb soap opera is making me laugh.... i have to stop it!

ciao for now!