you should have known better

for some reason, the last two picture posts just make me nauseous. go figure.

one of the side effects of laying in bed most of the day, awake or mostly-awake, is a lot of inside stuff comes up.... thoughts, memories, whatever.

one that hit me today, and made my blood boil thinking about it, was, "you should have known better!"

hearing, as child, frequently, "you should have known better", instills a hyper-vigilance to scan and gather all the information you could possibly need so you don't hear those dreaded words again. ...and yet you inevitably do. so you try harder to gather all the information you could possibly need so next time, you *will* have known better....

but there is never any positive feedback for getting it right, you only hear anything about your information gathering skills when "you should have known better".... so you think you *can* know better, *should* know better, and *must* know better.

because obviously that's what you should be able to do, what you are expected to do, and the only reason there can be that you *aren't* knowing better is that you aren't doing your job when it comes to information gathering and learning all you need to know so that next time, you *will*.... but you don't. its a bottomless pit. an endless cycle.

i still fight it. daily.

who the hell ever said God made me to be psychic? to know all i ever have to know in every circumstance? what am i supposed to be, omniscient? ....God Himself? hello. we are talking about a *CHILD* here. not even an educated, intelligent adult could live up to those expectations. who would *dare* put those onto a child?!?!?!

thanks alot.

i can't even write anymore about this right now.

***

i can relate to the bull in this video. red eyes and lust for blood. (it's the visual image i relate to, not the story - the story is humourous, and that i definately don't feel right now.)



*****

read this later on, and it ministered, so thought i'd add it.

Psalm 10

12 Arise, O LORD!
O God, lift up Your hand!
Do not forget the humble.
13 Why do the wicked renounce God?
He has said in his heart,
"You will not require an account."
14 But You have seen, for You observe trouble and grief,
To repay it by Your hand.
The helpless commits himself to You;
You are the helper of the fatherless.
15 Break the arm of the wicked and the evil man;
Seek out his wickedness until You find none.
16 The LORD is King forever and ever;
The nations have perished out of His land.
17 LORD, You have heard the desire of the humble;
You will prepare their heart;
You will cause Your ear to hear,
18 To do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed,
That the man of the earth may oppress no more.
(NKJV)