Tuesday, January 29, 2008

mooving again!

exactly one year after the last move, february 15th!!!


Thursday, January 17, 2008

a hurdle jumped

well... a meltdown again, back at m&m's overnight, chaotic morning.

wish i wasn't so messy. but tornadoes just *are*. learning to trust love way down deep inside.

but jumped painfully over a hurdle of trust/safety this morning, a hurdle never jumped before, and as scary as it was, it was important to jump it.

verse for me today:

psalm 84:3 Even the sparrow has found a home, And the swallow a nest for herself, Where she may lay her young-- Even Your altars, O Lord of hosts, My King and my God.

a very encouraging word for me today. safety.

one day at a time.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

stomp my feet

sometimes i feel like a little kid throwing a tantrum, where i want to complain to God that He would just give me words for the emotions and thoughts and tornadoes in my brain!!!!! stomp stomp stomp my feet, why don't you just give me words? waaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!

so here, i can talk about it from an "outside" perspective, but from an internal perspective it renders me speechless. the uber flux of emotions swamp me and coherency leaves. what's left is a abstract ramble, albeit somewhat poetic ramble of words. outside words, trying to describe the undescribeable.

oh how i miss blogging.... chris fixy puter sooon? eh? pweeze? :)

oh how i hate dissociation.

oh how i love Jesus.... oh how i love Jesus.... oh how i love Jesus..... and i forget the rest!

hmm, i remember something to update from old posts - i did eventually get a cpap machine, and after a three month trial it was clear from the data that it helped keep my oxygen saturation up at night, so it's doing what it's supposed to do, so income assistance ok'd a purchace of a permanent machine for me, and it's kewl. my head is definately able to compute better, which is a huge improvement, although i'm still tired most of the time.

i didn't make it to the wedding in november, which i was very sad about (sorry hen) cuz i really wanted to go.... but i was not in a good headspace, so...... yeah. bah.

i didn't get to visit my friend in edmonton yet. but i will soon, i hope! (rah!)

i am, however, going to get to the gtt in victoria this year, Lord willin', it's in the works.... so mags, i might get to do your dreads sooner rather than later! (if you haven't got them yet) lol.

i need to boogie, ciao for now.

tornadoes...a long overdue update

yup, it's alive! i'm still here, still alive, still kicking... going through some tornadoes right now (too big to explain) but it's all good, God is in control, i am not, hallelujah. but bleh, it stinks!

at the moment i am in hiding from tornadoes at some friend's house. thankYou God for friends.
friends who understand the un-understandable, they can't understand the unspoken, but they understand that.... y'know? lol.

got hit by tornadoes in october too, was flush out of contact with functionality, but with the open hearts, arms, and homes of friends, i got through it, i was home again in about three weeks. functioning in a first quasi-normality, then in the typical "stuffs shoved in the closets and i'm me again" kind of normalcy. what is normal, anyways?

tornadoes right now are not as constant as they were in october, very overwhelming, but with periods of normalcy betwixt storms. and i'm talking one mental moment to the next. need some neural-plasticity rewiring of neurons.... so i'm bunkering down at the moment with m&m. where i will be in an hour, a day, a week, i don't know, and i'm not going to think about it, lol.

just gotta let the love of God filter through.

today's word for my life from God:

isaiah 11:6 "The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, The leopard shall lie down with the young goat, The calf and the young lion and the fatling together; And a little child shall lead them. 7 The cow and the bear shall graze; Their young ones shall lie down together; And the lion shall eat straw like the ox. 8 The nursing child shall play by the cobra's hole, And the weaned child shall put his hand in the viper's den. 9 They shall not hurt nor destroy in all My holy mountain, For the earth shall be full of the knowledge of the Lord As the waters cover the sea.
Ecclesiastes 3: 3 Sorrow is better than laughter, For by a sad countenance the heart is made better.

a funny thing: on the 10th, i read a card on my wall that says "happy birthday, lynne" (3rd).... and i thought, yeah, happy birthday lynne.... and happy deathday, mom...." (the one year anniversary of mom's 'passing' was that day.) and here today i read this in ecclesiastes 3:
1 A good name is better than precious ointment, And the day of death than the day of one's birth;

.... so one's 'deathday' is better to be celebrated than one's birthday! lol. God has such a cheeky sense of humor with me, sometimes! lol. how hilariously accurate was my 'random' thought that day! heehee.

..... ok, i'm too tired to think more about how to update y'all, so i'll sign off for now. maybe later i'll do some more. ciao guys, i love ya.

Outcast, Adopted.

THIS BLOG IS IN NEED OF AN OVERHAUL. there are posts from years back i would not be able to post in good conscience now. i plan to overhaul the blog, and either delete or add a disclaimer to those posts. but that is gonna take time....

The Radical Summons: "
Therefore let us go to Him outside the camp and bear the reproach He endured. For here we have no lasting city, but we seek the city that is to come." Hebrews 13:13.

"The Spirit never loosens where the Word binds; the Spirit never justifies where the Word condemns; the Spirit never approves where the Word disapproves; the Spirit never blesses where the Word curses." —Thomas Brooks

‎"God receives none but those who are forsaken, restores health to none but those who are sick, gives sight to none but the blind, and life to none but the dead. He does not give saintliness to any but sinners, nor wisdom to any but fools. In short: He has mercy on none but the wretched and gives grace to none but those who are in disgrace. Therefore no arrogant saint, or just or wise man can be material for God, neither can he do the work of God, but he remains confined within his own work and makes of himself a fictitious, ostensible, false, and deceitful saint, that is, a hypocrite." --Martin Luther (W.A. 1.183ff)

i will not let You go: "Jacob's sense of his total debility and utter defeat is now the secret of his power with his friendly Vanquisher. God can overthrow all the prowess of the self-reliant, but He cannot resist the earnest entreaty of the helpless." --Albert Barnes

i will not let You go: "Jacob's determination did not flow from his strength, it flowed from his weakness." --Charles Leiter