Wednesday, October 29, 2008

wonky wednesday

what can i say.
wandered into town this afternoon.
walked into someone i couldn't refuse to walk with.
was delivered safely to the drs office.
waited, ironically, in the pooh room, feeling thoroughly sick.
walked out with a bunch more pills, immodium and something for the crampiness.
waiting for the test results, to see what we will see....
waited at the pharmacy for the requisite pills, and gastrolyte, gastrolyte, gastrolyte.
wandered weakly home again.

took pills, passed out in bed, got up for a drink.... sound like a regular junkie!

just trying to stay on the moist side of dehydrated.
crackers and arrowroot cookies are my friends.

it sounds like i have morning sickness, lol!!!!!
i could be mind tripping people... monday when i took my test kit in to the lab, i walked there with the brown paper bag tucked under my shirt and coat to protect it from the cold....
...i go into the medical building, and come out suddenly belly-less. HA!!!!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


been reading on things like enmeshment, boundaries, etc. good article here. (eat meat, spit bones. you know the drill!)

source: Michael C. Irving, PhD

Having boundaries is a normal activity that survivors can have difficulty with. Boundaries are about your relationship with distance, time, space, emotions and thoughts. Having conscious boundaries is being able to know and decide when, where and with whom you merge. It is also being able to determine and vary the degree of limits you establish. Not being able to stand up for yourself, say no or refuse to give over something you don’t want to, are all boundary issues.

Abuse Destroys Boundaries
During child abuse boundaries are totally ignored, violated and shattered. To survive abuse you had to dissociate from any sense of boundary. As the deadening response to abuse became habitual you missed out on developing the inner sense of boundaries. You did not pick up the lessons that healthy role models in your world displayed. Part of the healing and coping process for survivors of abuse is to reconnect with the inner sense of boundary. To learn ways to give yourself boundaries and let others know what your boundaries are is a difficult but vital task. (....)


confusing stuff for me. the whole concept of being 'separate' from another person.

God had to take mom away in order for me to separate from her.... and i'm still not separated from her, yet. she lives on in my head.

i can't afford to get attached to another person before i am able to be just 'me'.... a separate and distinct person.

it would lead to.... can anyone say, "down in flames"?

i don't ever want to drag someone i love into this kind of mess, ever.

how does that poem go?

....if you love someone, let them go...
...if they were yours, they will return....

or some such.

God is sovereign, and He is the God of Destiny.

He's got it all in His hands!


have i got the guts to post this post?

i think so....

here goes....


edit: to add this link. it's a good one too.... ...especially the shoes and omnipotence. good for me to read, and remember.

i need to remind myself...

the battle is not with flesh and blood.
just like in the movie 300, the enemy bleeds.
the enemy is not all powerful.
God is all powerful.
His plan is sovereign.
neither the enemy nor flesh and blood can mess God's plan.
they are all part of God's plan.
God's plan is to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me hope and a future.
this is all part of God's plan.
if something's in His plan, it will come to pass.
all my days, all my times, are in His hands.
i am safe in His arms.
nothing can separate me from His love.
nothing can separate me from Him.


just so everybody knows, *my battle is not with flesh and blood*.... no one has harmed me or threatened me or endangered me, except the very enemy of my soul. got that?

Sunday, October 26, 2008

what to say

the world is upside down... again.
i been whisked away to an undisclosed location.
to save me from a love that means well...
but doesn't know what real love is.
to save me from myself...
and the years of negative programming i need to be free of.
until then, i cannot love in a healthy way,
or stand firm.

thank You, Lord, for those friends
who stand beside me when i am afraid,
strengthen my weak knees,
and raise my arms when they fall.

Friday, October 24, 2008

i will be free!

...this battle is not against flesh and blood, but principalities and powers and rulers in high places....

...and i am more than a conqueror!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

you're not alone

all the different faces, all so beautiful..... i can so relate... i so need to be reminded i am not alone....

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

loo-ny tuesday

today, in a few short words:


still to come:




here we go loo in de loo
here we go loo in de lie
here we go loo in de loo
all on a tue-suh-day nite....


gonna see about a dr. appointment, tomorrow, if i remember.
this is going on way too long to be the stomach flu.
i guess you could say i have a one-track mind right now.
sorry bout that, but... i can't blame myself...
considering the circumstances.
i really should hang a beautiful picture right in front of the loo.
the blank wall is beginning to drive me... loony!


(warning: the audio is a bit loud.)

Sunday, October 19, 2008


its so amazing to me how every time i come into the presence of the Lord - at cell, prayer, church! - and bring to Him one particular issue in my life.... i come away with a greater and greater sense of peace about it, vision for it, a sense of His sovereignty and destiny at work in my life.

and how many times He's shown me, when i've heard His voice like this, it's HIM. i've ignored it in the past, doubted it, shoved it away because someone says "oh that's not God!".... and then realized later it was Him after all.... and can recognize with more and more certainty this particular way in which He ministers to my heart, and i do not want to ignore Him.


there is someone in my life who is wise and in a position of counsel in my life, which i want and invite and respect deeply, that in this one particular area speaks contrary to what i'm hearing and sensing from God.

and that brings turmoil.

mostly because i do not want to be guilty of not heeding their counsel, i do not want to disappoint them, i do not want to be perceived as rebellious, etc.

but again, today, i was trying to wrap my brain around this conflict during worship, and God spoke in one line of a song we sang directly, like an arrow, to my heart.

the song:

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

and the line that stood out to me? (and not for the first time, also at cell a week or two ago.)
...i dare not trust the sweetest frame...
not the sweetest person, not the most beautiful, learned, wise counsellor, no-one, not if they contradict what God is saying.

i know that i know that i know that i can hear God on this, i do hear God on this, i have heard from God on this, and will continue to be able to hear from Him on this.

but this person unwittingly brings doubt to me that i am able to hear God, am able to trust His Voice, His ability to lead me and direct me and keep me.

this is one of those "And when he brings out his own sheep, he goes before them; and the sheep follow him, for they know his voice. Yet they will by no means follow a stranger, but will flee from him, for they do not know the voice of strangers", and, "My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me", things. (john 10).

this is a Voice that i've come to trust.

so, on one side of a very important issue in my life, is a human being that i trust immensely, and the Voice that i have come to trust as being the Voice of God, a God who is trustworthy beyond comprehension. which one do i listen to?

it's obvious, yes?

harrumph. if only.

i still have this struggle, this mentality, that if i 'disobey' a person, their perspective, even just a suggestion or recommendation (bad girl! *smack*) ...i am also disobeying God. all the pressure inside me is to follow the counsel of this person and turn from what i honestly, in my heart of hearts, believe to be God.

the work of Christ was done, in part, to remove the need for a priest. to make us able to speak to God, face to face. to be answerable to Him and Him alone.

no human, however 'sweet', beautiful, worthy of respect, or valuable their counsel, can come between that.

oh, the tearing in me.... to break away from following of men, following their principles and counsels (right or wrong), other's directions.... it's so glued to me, like it's my compass, it's where i must look, anything else is *not allowed*...... oh, the deep roots of catholistic training of unquestioning obedience, how deep they go, and how hard to dig them out.

but i *have* to walk into the 'unknown' and trust God, and Him alone.

every moment i hesitate to put the full trust and leading of my life in this area off a person and on to God is faithlessness and rebellion. it's like a ripping bandage, aarrrgghh!!!!!!

but i must trust God on this issue. when i do, there is peace, deep, unquestioning, unwavering peace.

and you know what? i might miss it. i am learning, here. and when learning, one does not do things perfectly. but what God wants me to do here is to trust Him, and not lean on man, to not defer my responsibility to respond to God to another person.

and i think that is the key here: who is responsible for responding to what one's conscience believes is God? the wise human counsellor?... or the person with the conscience - the antennae that are picking up the Master's Radio - and has the conviction that it is indeed Him?

it will be me standing before God, with only Jesus at my side mediating for me. no other human with be standing with me.

i cannot defer to another person. i just cannot.

and so here i am, having to step out, and walk down a slightly different path, where only the Spirit of God goes before me, and no man.

Lord help me!

my only goal is obedience to You.

........ then why do i feel like such a naughty bad girl that needs to be punished for disobeying?

shut up, accuser. shut up, liar. shut up, shut up, shut up!


from the merck manual.

Fainting (syncope) is a sudden, brief loss of consciousness. ....

Causes - A person cannot lose consciousness unless there is a general disturbance of brain function. This disturbance usually involves a reduction in blood flow to the brain. ....

Vagus Nerve Stimulation: Fainting may occur if the vagus nerve, which supplies the neck, chest, and intestine, is stimulated. When stimulated, the vagus nerve slows the heart. Such stimulation also causes nausea and cool, clammy skin. This type of fainting is called vasovagal (vasomotor) syncope. The vagus nerve is stimulated by pain, fear, other distress (such as that due to the sight of blood), vomiting, a large bowel movement, and urination. ....

Vasovagal syncope may occur when a person is sitting or standing. It is often preceded by nausea, weakness, yawning, blurring of vision, and sweating. The skin may become cool and clammy. The person becomes ghostly pale, the pulse becomes very slow, and the person faints. ....

If the fainting occurs during emotionally stressful situations or is preceded by symptoms of vasovagal syncope (such as nausea, sweating, cool and clammy skin, and paleness), fainting usually is not serious, and extensive diagnostic procedures and treatment are rarely necessary. ....

but i'll tell ya, it sure ain't comfortable. the prospect of whacking my head on the floor or falling down the stairs doesn't appeal either.

swim, lynnie, swim!

dreampt (yes that's a word, stupid spell checker...) that i, on the spur of the moment (good clue there, sherlock), signed on for some kind of kitchen aide class (which i have *no* interest in, in real life), full time 4 months or so.

....and second day of class, i forgot my book, kept losing my pencil, kept losing my paper, which was only a scrap of paper, and then i kept getting it wet and i couldn't write on it, and i kept losing track of what the class was doing, what the teacher was saying, what i was supposed to be doing and where and why, and where's that damned pencil, any why is my paper wet, is this where i was sitting before i got up, why is what he is talking about completely different than it was 30 seconds ago? and where's my damned pencil?!!

....all the time trying to figure out how to hide my disorientation from the teacher so he wouldn't notice. cuz then i'd get kicked out of class for not keeping it together good enough (you *should* be able to do this, just *choose* to focus, girl, no one is going to help you if you choose not to focus!) ..... and then have dropped a second program this fall.

and when i am awake, i realize this is my daily life. it's really how my brain works. (or it is non-works?).....

it's why my house is entering disaster mode after only two days of being home, why i keep forgetting to eat, why my bills don't get paid, why i forget my meds, why that "it's only $15 at walmart, i can afford this" works really great on top of all the other "it's only a little bit" expenditures that i forgot about, why the roast beef blood that dripped all over my fridge confuses me (how the hell do i deal with that?!?), and i am a general fuzzy nutbar.

and always trying to conceal it.

(irony of ironies, as i am re-reading this, the song playing on my playlist is "deadbeat club" from the B-52s. "what?! get a job? what for?!....")

actually, that line i wrote, "(you *should* be able to do this, just *choose* to focus, girl, no one is going to help you if you choose not to focus!)" reminds me heavily of something someone said to me the day i got out of the hospital, about having to *want* to do live and function independantly, and *choosing* to act on it.... and then i felt oh, so heavy.

cuz how the hell do you pick and choose your way through a brain like this? it's like being in a continual state of disorientation and someone comes along and says, "aww it's not that bad, just make a choice to do it, and then just do it!, take every thought captive and put it in order, you can do that cuz the bible tells you you can... we love you and we'll be here with you, but it's up to you to make good choices and to know what to do, and we can't make those choices for you......"

here's a life raft for you lynnie, but you gotta come over to the side of the boat and get it, because we all know you *can* swim, what's a few waves when you can do all things through Christ which strengthens you? you just have to choose to get your head back above the water and swim....

(i do realize fully that this is *no* one's heart towards me, that all who love and support me want the best for me and are doing the best they know how. this is just what my brain computes, k?)

there is a subtle difference between gentle waves.... and the disorientation of hurricane force sea spray, flying debris, and being unable to see or breathe for the lashing waves and high wind and random junk flying at you.

but swim, lynnie! swim! you can do it!


as writing, i remember this video i came across set to casting crowns. of particular encouragement to me is bruce's 'success' in beating the storm, and just how he winds up back in the boat....

Saturday, October 18, 2008

a decent day

had a rough start, a veddy rough start actually, but things picked up after lunch. went to pammies for a visit and we watched a movie with her two boys, then went to danies and ate pizza and fixed computer woes (as usual, she needs me to fix her muddles, lol!) and helped b.boy make a blog. now if i can only get his momma hooked too, things would be good! and had nummy pizza.

i'll be a bit bare for a minute, i'm a bit discouraged that no one has posted any comments.... i don't know why it should bug me so much, like i've done something bad and people don't like my blog anymore, and there i just hit the nail on the head, it's my fear-of-messing-up-and-being-abandoned-as-a-thus-deserved-consequence hypervigilance issue, as usual. see why i blog? word vomit generally results in personal revelation. it's an odd equation, but it works.

[ really, was it my poo story? too much information?....]



6:30ish am. meds wearing off. brain buzzing.

(never tried the stuff.)


ah, but then i got into bed a couple hours later than i should of. (bad puter, baaad puter...)

gotten so used to being up in the 6:30 - 7:30 time bracket, tho, i don't want to ruin that.

so maybe a brief nap, later in the day.


no!!!! do not ruin the schedule! (SHED-yule, thank you veddy much. i be cultured now.)

mebbe go for a walk in a coupla hours. when the sun comes up. that's gotta happen first. no walking in the dark for me, thanks! only if i gots me a 6'3 1/2" bodyguard, thanks. well, a 5'2" bodyguard would do quite well, too. a chaperone would be great, too. *especially* with the 5'2" travelling partner, iffn you know what i mean.... *coughs*.

(hahahahahas, i stills so funnys!!!!! :D )

ok, too drained, but no real use trying to sleep again. just too sproingy, dang it.

well, i'll lay down for a bit and see if me brain co-operates or not. just pleeeze, Lord, donnot let me sleep too long and be sleepdrunk and nonfunc in that way today?

if anyone wonders why i cling so hard to *God's* control over everyday affairs, there you go. He's gotta have control cuz really, i have none!


two hours later i'm up again. piece of cold pizza in my tum tum and coffee on it's way. thank Ya Lord! now turn my frown upside down? feel like a cat that got pushed off it's nap chair.... =^o^=

Friday, October 17, 2008


after my last post, i realized i hadn't eaten since i had a little piece of cheese and crackers in mid afternoon, and before that i hadn't eaten since breakfast in the hospy, at 7:30 am.....

....when i got my cheese and crackers ready as a to go snack, i forgot what i was doing probably three times and judy had to reorient me, but at least i got some food in me to hold me till dinner a couple hours later....

....which i finally remembered 5 1/2 hours later, and while making pizza i knew enough to set the timer so my pizza wouldn't sit on the counter getting soggy while my oven blazed away empty, and successfully got it baking away....

...but then i somehow managed to 'not hear' the timer and burned the pizza, but only a bit, so fortunately it was still edible. and then i forgot i was eating and wandered off at one point, but i was on the phone with pam and she didn't let me get far.

so finally got dinner done, check.

.....and now i hope i don't let the pizza cool down on the counter for the next 4 hours before remembering to put it in the fridge and realizing that food-safe wise, it is now chuckworthy..... blargh!

ok, enough of being clammed up!

after being away from blogger, i have a veritable explosion of words happening!

maybe not the best pun right now.

*disclaimer: poop talk follows*

went for a walk with dear machoo, and made the mistake of mentioning i had the trots, and for the first half hour or so we sang silly poo ditties.... then the last 15 minutes or so we were walking back towards my house - and walking in earnest, cuz HE had to go, BADLY.

i've already decided that saying to someone, "sorry, you cannot use my bathroom even though you really really have to go, because it LOOKS bad" is not exactly loving. so no more denying a fellow frequent pooper the use of my loo for appearances sake.

so what to do? what with trying to avoid even the appearance of evil and all..... (no claim of any state of perfection with that comment!) ... how to stay above reproach?

as the situation was growing more explosive as i tried to figure out what to doo (ha! i so funny!), i finally had a goo idea: give him my keys, he can run on ahead and use my loo, and i'll mosey along at my pace and try to not cramp up too much, and wait outside in the rain for him (.... but was i waiting outside for him, or for appearances sake?... hmm.....)

ok, worked. i waited so long, tho, that i finally didn't have to go so bad anymore and i could hurry online and blog about my *crappy* walk with machoo! (hahahahahas!!! i stills so funny!!!!!)

the place was smelly when i left, and it was smelly when i arrived.

and it will soon be smelly again. as soon as the bathroom is unsmelly enough for me to venture in!!!!

*end poop talk*

and i have one final thing to say about my impulsive machoo:


smooth move, ex lax.

slow down, buddy boy.

*that* is why you can't come inside with me! lol....

but, brattiness or no....

(found these cute pon and zi images while i was googling *trying* to find a cute toon or image of a an eager beaver trying to kiss a girl and the girl holding his head away with her palm, at arms distance, looking annoyed. but no such luck. these do quite well, tho! :D )

ttyl, ggp!

i wanna talk about me

of course, this is my blog!!!! lolz. anyways......

weeell, no walk for me today. cranky gut again. got faint in the drugstore in save on, lols but its not funny, y'know?

i put a link to the right of a video for a song i heard in the hospital that is really good, never too late by three days grace, check it out, sil vous plais, it fits well where i've been lately. encouraging for me. and tres apropos.

i went to town with judy planning to blow money but hardly did. a friend is going to get a copy of the cd for me, i got a white board at the sally ann which is good enough for now, some bread and BUTTER TARTS! too, from the sally ann, and a couple cool wire baskets for organizationating, and a stuffed pooh bear i'm gonna wash the stuffing out of, not literally wash the stuffing out of him, just make him clean, give him a bath in the washer, lols!!!!!!!!!!!!

um, what else?

my car tire is almost flat and i'm not sure what to do about it. but for now, it's relegated to the 'whatever, not dealing with it now' list!

here, a video i cannot embed because its been disabled by request (bah humbug) but a link, cuz it's hilarious!!!! i fell in love with the song thanks to danie, and then saw the video in the hospy, and it's a hoot. i wanna talk about me!

and hey thats a good title for this post.

sheesh, i may have come out of the hospy with a case of (gasp!) i likes the country music after all! (CMT was on almost constantly in there. i'm gonna go through withdrawls of 'reba' and 'hope & faith', too!)

um, talked for 2 1/2 hours with a friend this afternoon too, that was veddy nice!

started a puzzle of a sheepie, too. i need a sturdy 36"+ roll to rollup the felt onto, so i can take it off the table! lol.

um, ok, thats all i can think of to write right now, alright? lolz!!!!!

home, james.

well, i am home.

thanks for everyone's encouraging comments.... i'm not up to addressing any specifically, tho.

stressed backwards is desserts, i know, but i'm going to try to avoid the ice cream bucket anytime i'm emotionally charged.... i don't want to use food as a drug.

i have prescriptions meds for that. ha!


i'm home, it's stinkin' cold in here but i am afraid to turn on the fireplace cuz the gas bill is whacked. unfortunately bills spelled backwards is only sllib. no encouragement there!

going to try to take my day in a chillaxed way, got some things to deal with but a lot i'm not going to even try today.

hmm, i'll make a list.

1. pick up prescription.
2. blow money on a cd i really shouldn't buy but i need to put some kind of positive spin on coming home today, so i think a 'treat' is in order..... i'm learning that self-care is more than just brushing your teeth. and i'll get in a walk with this one, too. wally world, here i come....
3. go for a walk.
4. unpack.
5. no masks today!!!

but oh, a kewl thing i got yesterday, my kitty ears. been looking forward to those for a while now!


re-reading this post it's amazing how many lols a person can put in one post when one does not feel very 'lolz'. ah, vey.

[some lolz removed for accuracy in representation of posters affect. enjoy.]

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

two weeks and one day so far...

... in the hospital.

may come home this week.

someone said on sunday i should change my profile pic, i look too sad.

i felt like biting their head off. 'don't you know where i've been the last two weeks?'

they probably didn't.

'don't i have a right to feel like shit?'

but i bit my tongue.

it just seems like i don't have the right to feel what i feel.

and that's a problem for me.

Outcast, Adopted.

THIS BLOG IS IN NEED OF AN OVERHAUL. there are posts from years back i would not be able to post in good conscience now. i plan to overhaul the blog, and either delete or add a disclaimer to those posts. but that is gonna take time....

The Radical Summons: "
Therefore let us go to Him outside the camp and bear the reproach He endured. For here we have no lasting city, but we seek the city that is to come." Hebrews 13:13.

"The Spirit never loosens where the Word binds; the Spirit never justifies where the Word condemns; the Spirit never approves where the Word disapproves; the Spirit never blesses where the Word curses." —Thomas Brooks

‎"God receives none but those who are forsaken, restores health to none but those who are sick, gives sight to none but the blind, and life to none but the dead. He does not give saintliness to any but sinners, nor wisdom to any but fools. In short: He has mercy on none but the wretched and gives grace to none but those who are in disgrace. Therefore no arrogant saint, or just or wise man can be material for God, neither can he do the work of God, but he remains confined within his own work and makes of himself a fictitious, ostensible, false, and deceitful saint, that is, a hypocrite." --Martin Luther (W.A. 1.183ff)

i will not let You go: "Jacob's sense of his total debility and utter defeat is now the secret of his power with his friendly Vanquisher. God can overthrow all the prowess of the self-reliant, but He cannot resist the earnest entreaty of the helpless." --Albert Barnes

i will not let You go: "Jacob's determination did not flow from his strength, it flowed from his weakness." --Charles Leiter