Wednesday, August 27, 2008

english and all things wireless

aye, i am pleased as punch to be going back to school - one class. english 101, by permission of instructor!

dana kicked my butt all the way up to the college to sign up, lol!

and so, cuz my puter has been long fried, i got me a wee laptop to work on.

..... trying to understand all this wireless lan wifi mumble jumble....



off to find a usb flash drive......

Sunday, August 24, 2008

the mask of hypocrisy

today rigby talked about hypocrisy being the wearing of masks.

in the movie the mask, jim carrey's character becomes joined to the mask and you couldn't tell who he was anymore, the mask took over.

how do you take off the mask when you don't know who you are under the mask?

where you end and it begins?

i understand that it's not something i can *do*, per se, so........then what?

what if you have many masks at once, and you can't even tell when you have one of the masks on and when you don't?

what if you have worn said mask(s) since you were born?

is there even a real you underneath it?

where is the me God created me to be?

i know the big, profound, general truths, that i am a daughter of the Most High King, i have an inheritance in Christ, etc etc.

but i feel like the generic version.

like a mannequin that has no clothes on yet.

in effect, a blank slate.

and so, i experiment.

i'm gonna try on school this fall, english class, if possible.

then family says there is no point, don't waste the money.

i want to continue becoming more independant, and have a vehicle.

then family says it's a waste of money, take the bus, you have no need of a car.

i want to do anything that enriches my life and growth.....

then family says it's a waste of money.

....i am a waste of money.

so why try?

why bother wasting the money or effort to find out who i am under these masks?

evidently i'm not anything worth spending money on.

so why bother trying to take of the mask(s) that keep me from my pain?

i'm tired of fighting.

and then i've been told to not fight, but to just deflect the blows and rest in God.

and then i'm told to fight again.

and then i'm tired, so tired.

and i just space out, check out, whatever.

cuz i'm confused.

so am i a hypocrite?

i don't know.

but then today i am told that if i wear a mask of any sort, i'm basically a hypocrite.

(through my filters, anyways)

so then i'm a hypocrite. woe to me.

woe to me, confused self-pitying hypocrite, sinner.

so i tune out, check out, cuz i know that's not God's heart to me.

but it's all i hear in my confusion.

so i continue to struggle to figure out what to do/not do/etc.

yes, i struggle.

so in saying that, woe is me, ain't that self-pity?

happy happy joy joy.

the joy of sarcasm.

the grind goes on.

some days better, some days worse.

trying to find out where i start and where i end under the mask of hypocrisy.

and wonder why i bother.

start over again from the start.-----------------------------------^

Monday, August 18, 2008

Clover is

Clover is fearfully sharing some of the things she felt like putting on her facebook status and was too afraid to.

Clover is clinging to God's promise that He has a plan and purpose for her in the midst of craziness.

Clover is tired of being weak, sin-natured, and always struggling to just function.

Clover is tired of always being afraid of people judging her.

Clover is tired of always being told who to be.

Clover is scared of the immensity of her emotions.

Clover is tired of the fight to try to express her true feelings.

Clover wishes life was simpler, easier.

Clover is grateful for simple, strong arms that hug her when she is crying.

Clover is hurting.

Clover is feeling like a soccer ball - kicked.

Clover feels like a target.

Clover is pissed as hell.

Clover is tired of the fight to share her true feelings and then having it thrown back in her face as being self-piteous.

Clover wishes her life, experiences, pain, and very being were validated instead of crushed.

Clover is thankful for a friend who i can be myself, warts and all, with, and she still loves me - warts and all.

Clover is sick of being judged.

Clover is sick of people who are "me so holy".

Clover is sick of always trying to keep things bottled up to stay in control.

Clover wants to break things.

Clover wishes she was in a rubber room and could just let it all out.

Clover is not so good.

Clover is worth shit.

Clover is tired of hearing "rebuke that thought" when she's fighting to access her feelings and emotions for the first time in her life. guess what, it's a real feeling, and Jesus doesn't tell me to suck it up, girlfriend!

Clover is tired of hearing that she just has to try harder, pray more, and pull up her bootstraps.

Clover is tired of people who will only love and accept you if you meet their expectations of who you should be, how you should act, and how mature/healed/delivered you are instead of leaving that in God's hands and loving you anyways.

Clover is just plain tired.

Clover is tired of always being tired.

Clover is tired of life.

Clover wants to "run, run away".

Clover wants to go home. and home just isn't here.

i got a case of the miffles

miff'les n. 1. a symptom of being miffed. 2. a symptom of being irritable or having been irritated.

a few examples:
  1. people letting you know their opinion of something that you didn't ask for and is none of their business anyway. for example, did i need to hear a complete stranger in mcdonalds tell me she thought i'd be prettier without dreads? aaaarrrrggghhhh!
  2. being stared at... and THEY know YOU know they are staring... and they keep staring anyways. ....are you trying to say something to me?
  3. being blamed for someone else letting YOU down, go figure that one out.
  4. seeing caretakers for someone you love being rude and condescending and demeaning and you can't do anything about it, BLEEEAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!......
  5. ....because said caretakers treat you as though you have no rights, because well, you have none, even though that person wants to marry you and spend the rest of their life with you, and, well, a promise ring means nothing, right?
end rant.

God is definitely working on increasing the limit of my patience and longsuffering accounts!

Friday, August 15, 2008

two hands

looking down at our hands,
mine inside the larger -
fine sun bleached hair,
tanned and strong -

i asked,
Lord, what do You *really*
think about this?

clear as day i saw -
a ribbon, beautiful -
like satin velvet - yet gossamer -
delicate - yet strong -
wrap around and across -
like a ribbon around a present -
binding our hands -
joining them together -

oh, the stuff of promise
that holds my heart intact
when the very next day
i learn this hand -
this strong hand -
this tanned, sun bleached hair hand -
is soon to be whisked

i will trust You, Lord
that when i ask You for Your heart
i will not see a lie.

~by me, aug 15/08

Thursday, August 14, 2008

guard ye your heart

hmmm, ok, some veddy personal musings here....

...but i'm trying to figure something out.... exactly does one *not* fall in love?

"do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"....

i'm trying danged hard, but it seems to be happening nonetheless.

does that mean it's time?


if only God would say a clear yes or no.

but the only thing clear is that it is *not* a no.

He keeps cautioning me to not walk away, not not discount what He can do, oh ye of little faith i am. i keep seeing visions of what God *could* do, His potential in another person, in two people together. He tells me to not walk away from what is illogical, not 'common sensical', because He chooses the base things of the earth, of which i myself am one.

(please, no one try to argue that last point with me under the false illusion of trying to get me to acknowledge my role in God's plan, or natural worth in anything.... it's ALL God, none of me, i am well aware of my depravity thank you veddy much... and that's not what this post is about, k? :P)

He has done, is capable of, and will do GREAT things..... and He will not let me forget that fact.

(as clouded as my head has been lately, when i know it's His voice, i know that i know that i know.... y'know?)

i want to guard my heart from things that are not Him..... but i do not want to guard my heart from things that *are* Him.

He just says, "walk in faith, girl".... and i see Him smiling bemusedly as He, knowing all things, sees me walking in utter lack of any other compass point but Him (as there is none other). and He says Trust ME. Walk In FAITH. Don't Look Down.


He says walk in freedom in the convictions I have given you. accept no judgement. do before others what you have no shame in doing before Me.

forgive me my fear of judgement, Lord - my fear of man.

Outcast, Adopted.

THIS BLOG IS IN NEED OF AN OVERHAUL. there are posts from years back i would not be able to post in good conscience now. i plan to overhaul the blog, and either delete or add a disclaimer to those posts. but that is gonna take time....

The Radical Summons: "
Therefore let us go to Him outside the camp and bear the reproach He endured. For here we have no lasting city, but we seek the city that is to come." Hebrews 13:13.

"The Spirit never loosens where the Word binds; the Spirit never justifies where the Word condemns; the Spirit never approves where the Word disapproves; the Spirit never blesses where the Word curses." —Thomas Brooks

‎"God receives none but those who are forsaken, restores health to none but those who are sick, gives sight to none but the blind, and life to none but the dead. He does not give saintliness to any but sinners, nor wisdom to any but fools. In short: He has mercy on none but the wretched and gives grace to none but those who are in disgrace. Therefore no arrogant saint, or just or wise man can be material for God, neither can he do the work of God, but he remains confined within his own work and makes of himself a fictitious, ostensible, false, and deceitful saint, that is, a hypocrite." --Martin Luther (W.A. 1.183ff)

i will not let You go: "Jacob's sense of his total debility and utter defeat is now the secret of his power with his friendly Vanquisher. God can overthrow all the prowess of the self-reliant, but He cannot resist the earnest entreaty of the helpless." --Albert Barnes

i will not let You go: "Jacob's determination did not flow from his strength, it flowed from his weakness." --Charles Leiter