Tuesday, November 21, 2006

crochet, anyone?

i was kind of thinking of having a ladies-night crochet lesson, with a project maybe of a dishcloth, or a dread hat like ruth's....num-nums, fellowship, and learning a useful skill. anybody interested? and in what kind of project?

morning angst

garrrr! after trying at least 25 times to log into my google account so i could view a private blog, i was ready to blow up my computer. then i had a brain wave - maybe my google account is not the same as my blogger account - and i was right. garrr! how could i not see that the 1500 million times i looked at it? garrr! so now, when reading blogs, i have yet another stinkin' username and password to remember. why couldn't they combine the two accounts? i mean, they are both google thingys, geez.

God is in control. God is in control. God is in control.


oh, and another garrrr! help, i'm surrounded by a cloud of witnesses! jehovah's witnesses, that is. i'm such a sucker. two ladies where on my doorstep this morning - i thought they were my uncle (how could confuse the two? lol)... and i said yeah sure, i'll take a magazine. i like to read the watchtower because i either laugh at how stupid it is, or cry at how deceptive the whole thing is. well, as she handed me the magazine, she said she may come back to talk with me and see if i had a chance to read it and talk about it with me.... aack! i'm on their hitlist! thinking back, i might already have been on their hitlist after the last magazine, which might be why this is the first time i've had women on my doorstep instead of men! aack!

saddest thing is, she said it was all about 'why bother doing what's right?' or some such, and she read a passage from their bible about how only the righteous will dwell in the land, and the unrighteous will be cut off.... wow, to think about how to live up to that in our own righteousness is overwhelming, we could never live up to God's standards of righteousness. and they live under that burden! wwwaaaaaahhhh... makes me almost cry to think about living under that kind of heavy. if only they could see that it's not our own righteousness that makes us righteous, but Jesus' righteousness. based on His subsituting-for-me death on the cross, Him taking our place in condemnation, so that we can dwell as tho we're righteous, because we're clothed in Jesus' righteousness. thank You, Jesus!

soo... i still might have another visitation on my doorstep. maybe it's a God thing that i didn't right off the bat say, "but it's not our own righteousness that enables us to dwell in the land, but Christ's righteousness imputed to us".... maybe God wants me to have a discussion with a lady-witness or two about this. ack! or maybe nothing will ever come of it.

if she/they should call again, what is the best approach to take? *sigh* ...i have a pretty good grasp on theology, and can see when what they say is wrong theology, but i don't have a good grasp on how to discuss it with someone of a wrong theology, y'know?

God is in control. God is in control. God is in control.


1. How old will you be in five years? gasp - 37!

2. Who did you spend at least two hours with today? tanya, my mom, pam, and all my prayer-pals, lol.

3. How tall are you? 5'5" or so

4. What do you look forward to most in the next eight weeks? cell... christmas presents, lol.... birthday presents, double lol.... christmas being over.

5. What’s the last movie you saw? i forget...

6. Who is the last person you called? pam. to see if she'd come hang out with me while i did laundry.

7. Who was the last person to call you? mom

18. Where is your favorite place to be? hmm, right now, sitting on my 'couch' with all my lamps on, music softly playing, and crocheting or knitting.

19. Where is your least favorite place to be? sticking my head under the toiled and finding mold, yuck

20. Where would you go if you could go anywhere? back in time to see a simon and garfunkle concert, lol.

21. Where do you think you will be in ten years? i don't know. i leave that totally up to God. ideally, married with children!

22. Do you tan or burn? both i guess.

23. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?: something from under the bed.... or a sasquatch coming in through the window (dang documentaries!)

24. What was the last thing that made you laugh? not a thing, a person - pam, and i forget why! but we always have lots of giggles together

25. How many televisions do you have in your house? just 1

26. How big is your bed? a twin

27. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer? desktop

28. Do you sleep with or without clothes on? ahem... with. absolutely. why sweat up the sheets and blankets, when you can sweat up some easily washable jammies?

29. What color are your sheets? whatever old fitted is clean. i don't use a top sheet - they tangle too much. ergo the need for jammies at night, lol - can't wash a comforter every week!

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? 1. and it's pretty thin, to boot.

31. What is your favorite season? fall

32. What do you like about fall? the chill in the air

33. What do you like about winter? cold and damp

34. What do you like about the summer? that our summers are not too hot, generally?

35.What do you like about spring? warmer than freezing weather

36. How many states have you lived in? zilch, i live on planet lepton

37. What cities/towns have you lived in? this one, period.

38. Do you prefer bare feet, socks, or shoes? bare feet, bare feet in sandals when outside - crocs are perfect

39. Are you a social person? yup, but kinda shy around people i don't know well. and too-big crowds are stressful.

40. What was the last thing you ate? yogurt

41. What is your favorite restaurant? uhhh..... i don't really have one. i loved the cactus club when i was in vancouver years ago....

42. What is your favorite ice cream? the vanilla ice cream me and pam made last week, i've never tasted anything more wonderful in my life!

43. What is your favorite dessert? ditto..... and baked cheesecake

44. What is your favorite kind of soup? ones i make - with baby corn, olives, mushrooms, sunflower seeds, parmesan, bacon bits, and curry among other things.

45. What kind of jelly do you like on your peanut butter and jelly? i would have to say raspberry, but only if there are no/few seeds

46. Do you like Chinese food? yup, if it's good stuff.

47. Do you like coffee? if it's made right. i'm fussy about my coffee. brown sugar and cream/homo milk, please.

48. How many glasses of water do you drink a day? dunno, prolly not enough, especially lately when i'm forgetting to eat and drink

49. What do you drink in the morning? milk, or milk with some eggnog in it (this time of year!)

50. Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? if i slept with someone else right now, i'd be in gross sin, so .... alone, ha! but i enjoy sleeping in a tent with friends and loved ones.

51. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed? no, just in the middle pretty much. if i get too close to the edge, i might fall out. i hate falling out of bed, but i prolly fall out once every few months (ow!)

52. Do you know how to play poker? i know the basics of texas hold'em.

53. Do you like to cuddle? wit my mommy! :D

54. Have you ever been to Canada? uh.... until this time last year, i'd never been OUT of canada!

55. Do you have an addictive personality? i think so

56. Do you eat out or at home more often? probably about the same. i mostly nibble at home as i get hungry, and have 'real meals' (courtesy mcd's) when i feel like i haven't had enough grease and calories in my diet, lol. oh, and i eat a lot of mom's leftovers. yum, hospital food. can't complain!

57. Do you know anyone w/the same birthday as you? i think i met someone once, but i forget who.

58. Do you have a crush? i don't let myself have crushes. to have a crush would be wanting something that isn't mine - at least at this point in time.

59. Do you want kids? yup

60. Do you speak any other languages? pathetic french, about it

61. Have you ever gotten stitches? yup - on my thumb, on my face, and after a lumpectomy.

62. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? yup - and an air ambulance, too.

63. Do you prefer a pool or an ocean? sterile pool with no chlorine, lol .... or that lake i loved in ontario....

64. Do you prefer an aisle seat or a window seat? window - i want to see if the wing falls off!

65. Do you know how to drive stick? no- would like to learn, tho

66. What is your favorite thing to spend money on? right now? yarn. and crochet hooks. but really, anything, as long as i'm bringing something home with me! lol

67. Do you wear any jewelry all the time? very often hoop earrings.... but not 100% of the time.

68. What is your favorite TV show? i don't think i have one that stands out in my mind.

69. Can you roll your tongue? yup, i am a genetic freak

70. Who is the funniest person you know? me... and least i make me laugh, anyways!

71. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? nope - dust mite haven allergies sneeze cough wheeze

72. What is the main ring tone on your phone? your 'classic' electronic sounding ring - all 4 of my phones are identical. to my utter despair, i do not yet have a cell phone. waaaaahhhh!

73. Do you still have clothes from when you were little? a few

74. What red object is closest to you right now? all red? a gigantic key-shaped paper clip. has red on it? my mousepad's picture has a few red spots in it.

75. Do you turn off the water while you brush your teeth? if i want to hear the phone, yes.

76. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? doesn't matter - right now they are open.

77. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees? neither, but if i had the choice of running away from one and running into the other, i'd run away from the bear, and towards the bees - and run as fast as possible!

78. Do you flirt a lot? never, at least not consciously.

79. What do you dip a chicken nugget in? hot mustard

80. What is your favorite food? um.... homo milk. it's a food, not a beverage.

81. Can you change the oil on a car? no

82. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket? no

83. Have you ever run out of gas? no

84. What is your usual bedtime? too late, usually. 1:00 is probably average.

85. What was the last book you read? the bible

86. Do you read the newspaper? never - allergic to the ink big time :(

87. Do you have any magazine subscriptions? thinking of splurging and getting one for 'real simple'

88. Best comedian? mike meyers

89. Do you watch soap operas? on rare occasion, coronation street. it's the only one that isn't too stupid to watch

90. Do you dance in the car? well, i boogie along to my music, but i can't exactly stand to my feet and get down, now, can i?

91. What radio station did you last listen to? mmm, rarely, cfnr classic rock

92. Who is in the picture frame closest to you? gracie

93. What was the last note you scribbled on a piece of paper? *note* BCI-3eBK run out *no printing* *don't forget*

94. What is your favorite candle scent? nothing. allergic.

95. What is your favorite board game? settlers of catan

96. Where do you attend church? the rock, of course!

97. When was the last time you attended church? uh, last sunday?

98. Who was your favorite teacher in high school? mrs. peterson, my french teacher in grade 8 and 10.

99. What is the longest you have ever camped out in a tent? about a week
100. Who was the last person to do something extra special for you? pam - tonight she bought me a double quarter pounder, right at the time when, unbeknownst to her, i felt especally deprived of meat. God bless her soul.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

oooh, it's gonna be windy

everyone ready if the power goes out? i got this in my email box tonight. i got my flashlight and emergency blankets ready - do you?

whee, windy! lol


courtesy our friends at environment canada's weather office.

brain fog

so... internet's back up again, i slept in this morning, got up a couple times but wound up back in bed, slept until 2:30 this afternoon.... then went to visit mom at the hospital, and darn near fell asleep in her chair.... gee, what is wrong with me?

what i have are the physical symptoms of clinical depression (chemical depression - lack of seratonin(sp?) in the brain) - sleeping too much, fatigue, mental fogginess and overall lack of energy. harder to think. my outlook is good - i got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart... it just ain't in my muscles, lol. or in my mental processing - it's like i'm walking around in a fog, everything's muffled, i'm detached.

i *have* been under a lot of stress lately, with mom in the hospital for who knows how long. she may never come home - ie, she may 'go home' to her home with God first.

but there are so many awesome things in my life - church, family, friends, GOD. i have nothing to complain about. i feel great emotionally. not blue at all. just so stinkin' tired, physically, and mentally i suppose.

tho it's not like i'm not getting enough sleep, lol!

ach, we'll see what the doc says.


i find it interesting that someone quoted this scripture last sunday. it has special meaning for me, particularly when it comes to the condemnation the enemy tries to bring about 'seeking help' from the medical profession - i mean, i'm a 'christian', right? i shouldn't have problems, right? bad christian. bad, bad christian.

but that's bull.

when trying to sort that out in my head quite some time ago, God spoke to me that the medical profession is one of those things that is primarily in the secular realm, but He gives the fruit of it, the worldly riches of it, to bless us, minister to us, and provide for us. it's not from them, it's from HIM. becuase He loves us.

isaiah 60 nkjv

4"Lift up your eyes all around, and see:
They all gather together, they come to you;
Your sons shall come from afar,
And your daughters shall be nursed at your side.
5Then you shall see and become radiant,
And your heart shall swell with joy;
Because the abundance of the sea shall be turned to you,
The wealth of the Gentiles shall come to you.

6The multitude of camels shall cover your land,
The dromedaries of Midian and Emphah;
All those from Shemba shall come;
They shall bring gold and incense,
And they shall proclaim the praises of the LORD.
7All the flocks of Kemdar shall be gathered together to you,
The rams of Nebamioth shall minister to you;
They shall ascend with acceptance on My altar,
And I will glorify the house of My glory.
8"Who are these who fly like a cloud,
And like doves to their roosts?
9Surely the coastlands shall wait for Me;
And the ships of Tarshish will come first,
To bring your sons from afar,
Their silver and their gold with them,
To the name of the LORD your God,
And to the Holy One of Israel,
Because He has glorified you.
10"The sons of foreigners shall build up your walls,
And their kings shall minister to you;

For in My wrath I struck you,
But in My favor I have had mercy on you.
11Therefore your gates shall be open continually;
They shall not be shut day or night,
That men may bring to you the wealth of the Gentiles,
And their kings in procession.
12For the nation and kingdom which will not serve you shall perish,
And those nations shall be utterly ruined.
13"The glory of Lebanon shall come to you,
The cypress, the pine, and the box tree together,
To beautify the place of My sanctuary;
And I will make the place of My feet glorious.
14Also the sons of those who afflicted you
Shall come bowing to you,
And all those who despised you shall fall prostrate at the soles of your feet;
And they shall call you The City of the LORD,
Zion of the Holy One of Israel.
15"Whereas you have been forsaken and hated,
So that no one went through you,
I will make you an eternal excellence,
A joy of many generations.
16You shall drink the milk of the Gentiles,
And milk the breast of kings;

You shall know that I, the LORD, am your Savior
And your Redeemer, the Mighty One of Jacob.

so shut up, enemy! God rules!

Friday, November 17, 2006

me so sleepy

no internet again. i'm exhausted. have a hard time waking up. falling asleep sitting up is a drag. the sleepiness just sucks me in.

i been up, i mean barely awake, for prolly an hour or so, and i feel like i just need more sleep. but i have an appointment at 2:30. so i should get dressed soon. have some brunch. no go back sleepies. no no no! lol gotta fight the good fight.

Jesus, hug me i'm so sleepy! yum.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

a little bit different

NINE last things you did
9. Last place you were: other than home? the hospital
8. Last tv show watched: uhh, i think it was extreme makeover (plastic surg) two nights ago
7. Last beverage:eggnogg and milk
6. Last movie watched: can't remember, maybe 'veronica guerin'?
5. Last phone call: mom
4. Last song played: something from Gersh's album
3. Last bubble bath: yuck (smelly fragrances always, icky)
2. Last time you cried: i think it was last week sometime
1. Last alcoholic drink: vino

EIGHT have you evers
8. Have you ever dated someone twice: no
7. Have you ever BEEN cheated ON: i dunno
6. Have you ever kissed someone: duh
5. Have you ever kissed someone you regret: double duh
4. Have you ever fallen in love: not the real thing
3. Have you ever lost someone: my nana died when i was 12
2. Have you ever been depressed: clinical
1. Have you ever been drunk and thrown up: nope

SEVEN states (or provinces) you've been to.(not including the one u live in now)
1. alberta
2. saskatchewan
3. manitoba
4. ontario
5. quebec
6. california

FIVE things you do on a daily basis
1. eat
2. drink
3. go to the bathroom
4. blog
5. talk to God

THREE favorite colors
1. orange
2. green
3. pink

So Far in 2006 I have:
Been to school - nope
Made a new friend - yup
Laughed until you cried - can't remember
Went behind your parents back - i don't think so
Cried over an ex - nope
Disappointed someone close - very likely
Pretended to be happy - no masks for me
Met someone who changed your life - not in any huge explosive way
Lost someone close to you - no
Gotten close to someone - yup
Given up something important to you - if it's important to God, then it's important to me, and i will not give it up
Found out who your true friends were - by THE blood

1. Are you currently mad at someone?: nope
2. Which of your friends has the worst temper?: not gonna say, ha!
3. Have you ever thrown something at anyone?: yup, but only stuff like wadded up paper balls, at least recently ;)
4. Does your face turn red when you’re angry?: rarely angry, so i don't know
5. When you’re mad do you prefer to stare angrily or yell and scream?: if it's justified anger, deal with it gently/in love; unjustified, swallow my tongue it and go to God.

1. Has anyone ever thrown you a suprise party?: yup
2. Are you easily excited?: not exactly
3. What event is coming up that you’re most excited about?: GTT
4. Which of your friends gets you the most excited: pam
5. If you won a million dollars what would be your first thought?: all the possibilities!.... then tithing :D
6. If you could have anything right now: less fatigue
7. Love or money?: love

Do you support?
1. Sex before marriage?: no
2. Lowering the drinking age?: no
4. Capital Punishment?: not ususally
5. Abortion?: never
6. Recycling?: in principle, yup. in doing, yes, but not to the extent that i'm willing to go to the stinky, dirty recycling depot on any regular basis

More random:
1. Where do you hang your towel to dry after showering?: hair towel - becomes my new hand towel. body towel - over the edge of the tub (it's dirty! it's not going on the towel rack! when it's dry, it goes in the hamper!)
2. What kind of mouse pad do you have?: a racoon with a colorful ball
3. Do you brush your hair with a comb or a brush?: if you come at my head with one of those, why i'll.....
4. In your opinion, who do you think is the hottest celebrity?: not going to let my mind go there, sorry!
5. You have a project due tomorrow, do you use tape or glue? tape - generally smells less
6. Chicken or pork?: chicken
7. By the time you get to school/work, is it still dark?: do neither
8. If you had a choice to be a unicorn or mermaid which would it be?: uh, literally, i would choose to be neither... which one do i like best? unicorn, i think!
9. What color is your underwear?: multicolor
10. What time does the sun usually set? 5ish
11. What/who do you think of last before you go to sleep?: it could be anything, but i try to make it my Jesus
12. AC or fan?: if the ac is clean and not ozoneous and freezing, ac.
13. Do you wear braces?: no, did in high school, tho
14. Can you do a hand stand?: not anymore, lol! (well, at least i'm not going to try it)
15. If you were the opposite sex, how would you style your hair?: dreads :P
16. What level English are you in?: university
17. Jessica Simpson or Alba?: i've heard the names, i can picture one face, beyond that i'm clueless
18. Which subject is worse, English or Math?: i didn't like english in school, now i think i wouldn't like math
19. What’s one thing you really want to do this very moment?: my body cries out for sleep (but i had 10 hours last night!), my taste buds cry out for the icecream me and pam made yesterday.... can't wait

20. What movie are you embarrassed to admit you’ve watched?: as a pre-teen/teen, 'adult' movies, *ahem*.
21. CD player or iPOD?: i *have* a cd player, i'd like some sort of mp3 player. i still don't get what's so special about an ipod specifically.
22. Would you rather spin upside down going 30 mph or drop 400 feet from a bungie cord?: what is the spinning upside down all about? right now, i'd have to say neither appeals to me very much. my extreme sport of choice? prolly wilderness backpacking. will i ever do it? would like to. could i do it? not right now!
23. Whats your favorite shape?: um, i think squares with rounded corners are quite nice.
24. What do you have planned for the weekend?: church and rest and my friends
26. If you were put in a room with nothing except for a pencil and paper, what would you do?: doodle or draw... or try to dig my way out with the pencil
27. Is it always easy finding your remote every time you want to watch TV?: most of the time
28. How was your day?: i don't know, just got up
29. Do you grow your nails, bite or cut?: cut, short. if they get too long, they tear... and lately if it tears, i try to smooth it out by nibbling on it, lol
30. Describe your handwriting: el crapola
31. Do you consider yourself a stalker?: not atalla
32. Do you bruise easily?: i don't think so.... but i do find bruises in odd places for no remembered reason, lol
33. There’s nothing on TV except Barney and Japanese news what do you do?: prolly watch the japanese news for a few minutes, cuz i've never seen anything like that, then turn it off when i get bored.
34. Do you know more then 3 myspace codes?: 3 whats?
35. You got an essay due, you either can type or write in pen, which will it be?: type
36. Do you wear jeans to relax at home?: unless i'm in my jammies (still in them in the morning, or put them on before bed) i wear my usual clothes to relax. most of the time, anyways
37. Describe yourself using three words: patient, sleepy, and frusteratingly talented
38. Do you use deodorant?: the mineral rock kind, morning and night!
39. Do you like ice in your drink?: sometimes

what, no #40? gee, what a cliffhanger.


If you are rightly devoted to the Lord Jesus, you have reached the sublime height where no one ever thinks of noticing you, all that is noticed is that the power of God comes through you all the time.

Oh, I have had a wonderful call from God! It takes Almighty God Incarnate in us to do the meanest duty to the glory of God. It takes God's Spirit in us to make us so absolutely humanly His that we are utterly unnoticeable.

~Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, November 16

hmm. i want to be unnoticeable, then! but i'm not going to *try* to be unnoticeable in my human effort, its gotta be a work of God. so i'm not cutting off my dreads so i'll be less noticeable! ha! if God want's me to be unnoticed, then no matter what i did or how i dressed or how i wore my hair, i'd still be unnoticed. make sense?

"...all that is noticed is that the power of God comes through you all the time. .... yum." may it be so, Lord!


why the need to defend my hair? becuase some people don't like it. but i'm not trying to please people, i'm trying to please God. and i'm doing that by allowing the person He made me to be to flow free. i'm not gonna squash out what God put in me. and what God put in me is not what churchianity thinks it should be. stand firm, lynnie, stand firm!

Wednesday, November 15, 2006


so last night i came home from the hospy at midnight.... got ready for bed, took meds etc... went on the puter until 1:30 then went to bed. ...first had to fold the socks all over my bed! laid down, couldn't sleep. so played sudoku until i thought i could sleep, still couldn't. felt restless and like i had a million ideas. went back on the puter. looked out the window, went to bed. couldn't sleep. stayed in bed anyways. it was prolly 4:30 or so before i got to sleep.

i woke up this morning at 11:30, blearily looked out the window and at the clock, kinda wondered whether my alarm had gone off or not, then realized i was supposed to be somewhere at 11:00. phoned and apologized, went to the washroom, sat down here.

feeling... kinda sick. i think i should take a cue from chris and go lounge. i feel like i've been running for days. go sleepies, maybe, catch up on rest.

what often happens when i feel like this - put everything out of my mind and go rest - is that i pick up my bible to read a bit, then some music flows into my ears, and i have to get up and find a pen so i can write lyrics down ... and i don't get any rest at all! funny thing is, tho, is i usually feel better anyways, lol.

so i'm gonna go lay down, push all the stuff in my head out, and see what form of rest God will give this weary one. who knows.

it could be anything..... yet as i wrote 'it could be anything', i'm feeling nauseous from an empty stomach. i may have to go cook lunch instead of lay down. once again push push push myself. *sigh*. just thinking about it is exhausting!

tired and hungry, the perfect combination to get cranky, lol!

Monday, November 13, 2006

100 things about me

1. i've deigned to do this meme, even tho it's a totally self-absorbed exercise, as i enjoyed reading tan's.
2. i'm wondering if tanya minds the nickname tan.
3. i'm currently wasting time while waiting for my support worker to show up or call - i expected to hear from her an hour ago! ...odd.
4. i just read the first three chapters of daniel - way kewl!
5. i think i'm more 'into' the music portion of a worship service than i am 'into' the sound board portion - i wanna play that funky music, man! but the sound stuff is pretty interesting too. especially now that i kind of understand what frequencies and amplitudes are, lol. do i have an aptitude for amplitude?

6. realizing what a stinkin' long list this is going to be!
7. hating the thought of all the bending over i need to do with laundry-doin' today - my back feels kinked. :S
8. felt so tired and worn out after this weekend, and headachey, that i didn't go to the memorial of a beloved brother last night. sorry honey-bea! love ya lots!
9. refusing to let guilt and condemnation in on that one!
10. pam helped me in the kitchen, and i finally threw out all those molding veggies and fruits.

11. i'm hungry. i'm not often hungry in the morning!
12. looking forward to eating some crispy voortman's chocolate cookies with homo milk, yum.
13. i love chocolate 'icy squares', yum.
14. last night i had some delish veggie soup pam made, with parmesan and toast.
15. while making toast, my toaster started smoking like mad, and i realized i still hadn't taken out the thin end-of-loaf sliver of bread that slipped down into the bowels of the toaster the last time i'd made toast....

16. i think i had a pet flea. just one. after i killed that sucka, i've gotten no more bites!
17. and no more spider bites either - it must have been a mutant flea after all, lol!
18. gee, i'm really hungry!
19. this morning i rescued some shorts that i had thrown in the garbage can and cut off the stinky elastic - going to make 'lint-free rags' out of the old yummy t-shirt knit material. coral with white polka dots, coming soon to a window near you. courtesy of a garbage-picker!
20. there was a dumpster diver in our dumpster last week, and i had a sour-grapes attitude for a while... i mean, it's private property here, ain't it? but gee, he's just trying to scrape out a 'living', if you can call it that. it's not 'my' yard, it's God's property - my pineapples are not my own... er, i mean, my bottles and cans are not my own.

21. oomph, i'm still really hungry! could it be because yesterday i only had a breakfast sandwich and fv from tim's for breakfast, then three cookies and milk for a late afternoon lupper, then an unexpected blessing of soup and toast.... then an ensure mom pawned off on me at the hospy? as pam said, that's not actually a lot of food for a whole day. i'm just not usually very hungry!
22. my head hurts. my back hurts. wondering where my worker is. i'm tired and this old bod wants to go back to bed. but i won't! i'm young and full of vigor, and today is a day of divine appointments, whoo hoo!
23. where's my tylenol?
24. my favorite version of spider solitair is in "absol free solitaire" - a free download. why do i like it? the cards get bigger or smaller to fit with the window - the bigger the better for me (within reason). most versions of spider, the cards are just too tiny on my 1280x1024 rez screen.
25. i played a fair bit of solitaire this last week, when i had no internet, lol. but mostly just wasn't on the puter as much!

26. altho i did type out the newest God-song i've got going.
27. brb - i'm going to phone and find out why my worker isn't here yet. ok, no i'm not - i don't remember the phone #, lol.
28. mickie brought me some scent-free natural kitchen soap stuff when she dinged out my house - i love it! no stinky fragrance when doing dishes! yay! thanks, hun. {{{hugs}}} and the 'bleach' stuff, too.
29. i found a big bag of bandana's i always intended on bleaching out - wonder if this new stuff will take out color, too? or will only chlorine bleach will do that (chlorine bugs my asthma)?
30. i must needs go get something to eat. will continue with this later.

31. i feel stupid now, lol - in the process of phoning my worker, i realized WHY she's not here yet - she doesnt come on mondays, she comes on tuesdays! WHACK!
32. i'm grinning like the village idiot!
33. i had a super healthy breakfast - milk and cookies and drugs. yum. (don't panic, drugs = prescription meds.)
34. one of my good friends works as a pharmacy tech in the pharmacy in the store i shop in allll the time. i can't wait till my current script runs out and i can take it in for her to fill! i think i have 3 or 4 more weeks, tho.... and i'm sooo frusterated with my current pharm.... grrr! :P
35. now i'm feeling a bit at a loss as to what to do now. all morning i've had a certain set of events expected in my head, and now there's.... nothing! well, i have some errands to do, but it's gonna take a while for me to switch gears. i feel soooo tempted to lay down and have a nap....

36. me so sleepy....
37. i am so behind on everyone's blogs. soon, i'll read up on them soon.
38. last night i turned off my norton internet security 2006 firewall, and installed good ol' sygate personal firewall. in less than a month i am supposed to resubscribe to norton, and i will NOT. that thing has been the worsted pain in the neck EVER. just don't know what to get for antivirus now.
39.i have yet to find a back scratcher that scratches well enough. i have an itch on my back right now that i can't reach (of course!) and have not backscratcher in sight, as they are all useless and prolly stuck in some box just to get them the heck out of the way....
40. the sun is shining, and the sky is blue, and it's beautiful! and it's -1 (celcius). apparantly -1 is a lot warmer in farenheit - something like 28 degrees f? whoa, steamy!

41. can i ever talk/write serious? nope. the english language is wayyy to much fun to not mess with, ha.
42. fyi, in case ya didna know, i don't capitalized anything (usually) unless it's in reference to the Deity - God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, etc. and sometimes for emphasis, GOT IT? .... and sometimes if i'm concerned a person may be so anal as to be offended if i don't capitalize their name i may go against my convictions and cap their name... but then i repent, as i have just gone against my convictions and thus sinned. whatever is not of faith is sin! and my conviction is that only Jesus is worth the honor of capitalizing their names - capitalizing 'james' or 'madonna' or 'frankenstein' would only be 'elevating' their names to the same level as the Name above all names - Jesus. and so would capitalizing 'i' in reference to myself - that's where it all started - i am so NOT worthy of the same honor as Jesus is in having His pronouns capitalized. ....is it that big a deal, really? nope - it's just a personal conviction. i don't care if you capitalize my name or not - just please don't be offended if i don't place you at the same level as God Himself. as for why i don't capitalize bible, but do capitalize 'the Word'? (hmm, should it be 'The Word'? lol)... well, the bible is a book that contains the printed Word of God. i don't honor the book of the bible (cover, pages, ink) any more than i would any other book - a dictionary say. however, the Word which it contains is life itself - and Jesus is the Word (john 1:1), and so i worship the Word, the Bread of Life, the Lord of Lords... and one way in which i do so, is to give Him and Him alone the honor of being capitalized. He alone deserves that pre-eminence!
43. thinking that was the longest point there is likely to be on this list!
44. i'm 32, almost 33, and feeling old - i don't like a lot of the 'rock' music out there these days. i'm more into the stuff of the 70's, 80's, and early 90's. yup, i'm past-dated! hahahahahaha....
45. only five more points to go and i'll take another break - my wrist is a bit sore. why? i don't know, it's not like i've been typing too much. oh wait, i do know why - cuz when i've been on the computer, it's mostly been playing solitaire, which uses a MOUSE. OUCH.

46. so why do i feel ok capitalizing MOUSE and OUCH? hey, don't be so legalistic!
47. i'm nearly out of black ink - BCI 3eBK (canon). note to self - God will provide in His time!
48. i want to write in big letters on my bedroom wall, "Lord, give me a hunger for Your Word"... then first thing in the morning when i wake up, i'll be reminded to pray for that hunger and desire to read His word in the morning. if i don't pray for it, i don't have it.
49. i like that new definition i read somewhere for asap - always say a prayer. is it urgent, needs to be done asap? well, there's never too little time to say a prayer. say a prayer asap - always say a prayer! whoo hoo! kewl eh?
50. bingo - here we are at the halfway point. i've got heartburn from my meds, and i'm burping and i feel like a water buffalo. but oh well, there's gotta be a guy out there somewhere who will fall in love with a christian water buffalo! lol!

51. ok, i'm back. it's not ten minutes past 1 pm, and i need lunch soon. i just typed the word fluffernutters, and it made me hungry for penut butter, lol.
52. i love the magazine 'real simple'. i just discovered their website, www.realsimple.com.
53. dogs are barking like mad outside right now, i wonder if there is a bear out there? .... and now i'm wondering what that has do do with me, i mean, this list is called 100 things about me, right?.... well, i guess it has to do with me becuase i thought it! lol.
54. too lazy thus far to get up off my ball (yes i sit on a big rubber ball as my desk chair) and look out the window and see if i see anything to bark at.
55. i did mom's banking today, what a load off it is to have it done. phew.

56. i wish everyone in the hospital had a room like mom's - private room the size of a 4-bed room, leather sofa and 2 leather recliners, lamps, kitchenette. one of the perks of having a 'terminal illness' and eligible for 'palliative care', i suppose - unfairly preferential treatment. it's awesome, but everyone should have a room like that, doncha think?
57. hoping soon to get up and go out, go see mom, go shopping for yogi pants, maybe get a hot smoothie from tim's for a treat. it's amazing how, for someone who never has any money, i never seem to go without. often courtesy of my dear maman. but ultimately, and undeservedly, from my Daddy God. thank You.
58. i hate the smell of rotting elastic. i hate the smell of fresh rubber bands. i can't think of an 'i love' to balance out the two 'i hates' on this mini list about stretchy things.
59. running out of things to say.... so i'll dig into the past a bit more... when i was a kid and i had to run in gym class i would get all phlegmy, and get a metallic taste in my mouth, and i'd often suddenly fall/lay down and not be able to move for a few minutes. my miserable gym teachers would call me lazy and chastise me. same thing when i played soccer (my soccer days didn't last long). never found out what that was.
60.thinking about my childhood is not so nice at times. i'm going to go now and go visit mom and do my errands and stuff. but first i'm gonna chat with mickie, and she just messaged me from ontario. kewl!

61. i'm going to try to be matter-of-fact the rest of this list and get it done with.
62. one of my favorite all time movies is 'strictly ballroom'.
63. one of my favorite all time quotes is 'a life lived in fear is a life half-lived' (fran, from 'strictly ballroom', ha!)
64. i couldn't get myself to like LOTR.
65. one of my favorite christian fiction books of all time is 'arena'... i forget the author. awesome christian sci-fi/fantasy adventure allegory. very kewl.

66. i just ordered voice mail, it should be active on my phone line on the 15th.
67. i can type quite fast, but not numbers.
68. i do more laundry than mom ever did!
69. i hate doing dishes.
70. i like the number 7, but not so much the number 70. 77 is kewl, tho. 777 is even better!

71. i just took some tylenol, and i can't remember if i took one or two x-strength ones.... so i can't take another one even tho my head is hurtin' bad. bah.
72. i have a memory like swiss cheese sometimes.
73. mom said tonight that today my unk said, 'that's a filiment of your imagination'.
74. using the word filiment in place of figment is call a malapropism. it's not (mal) appropriate (aprop) word usage.
75. mom always said i was destined to be 'verbose' because i have a large dip in above my top lip. she said my granddaddy always said that was what that dip meant - how well a person would be able to speak and express themselves. he was right - i never shut up, do i? lol

76. tonight i watched a show (at the hospy) about a little girl with primordial dwarfism. i wonder if that gene, or one similar, could be in my family, becuase evidently my grandma's dad's sister was only 3 feet something.
77. i like this number.
78. i repeat myself often, but i usually say it in a different way than i did the first time.
79. mom always said i would make a good teacher of complex issues, because i can iterate and reiterate things from so many angles people would learn it whether they wanted to or not.
80. but i'm too stinkin' impatient to be a teacher. at least at this point in my life. although i've gotten a bit more patient.

81. i believe in praying for patience. it's a fruit of the Spirit, so why would i hold back from praying for patience? sure it might not be easy, but i'm not in this walk for an easy ride, i'm in it to become more like Christ.
82. i watched dr. phil today, and they put a fat suit on a lady to help her understand how obese people are treated and how it makes them feel. i was complaining that they should have made the fat suit weigh something like 200lbs, so that they would also experience what it's like carrying all that extra weight on their frame. wouldn't you be tired if you carried an extra 200lb load every day, 24/7? i think so! maybe that fat person isn't so lazy after all, they're just tired!
83. ignorance and a lack of compassion makes me mad.
84. teachableness is absolutely and awesome trait.
85. if i ever get married, i hope my husband will be teachable and tender before God.

86. i do hope to get married one day, and have kids.... but only if that's also waht God plans for me. if not, then i won't. kinda obvious, right? yet not so easy to accept - but i will NOT pine for something God doesn't have in store for me. and at the moment i have no idea what God ultimately has in store for me in that department, so i'm just plain not gonna pine for it, period. no agenda but Jesus'.
87. gosh, this is getting close to done. i got my three pairs of yogi pants today, and mom's bins, etc. now i'm under orders to get my boots repaired (they leak), and got the unexpected ok to get some more hair bleach.
88. plan: a. bleach. b or c. dread the rest. c or b. dye it some demi-permanent funky color. God willing, of course.
89. i love the show miami ink. i'm planning on getting a ta... i never even considered it before, tho, becuase it's all controversial in christian circles, but the love of the beauty of many tat's was there, and as i've grown into the woman God has created me to be, that's something He basically said that i don't need to squish out to please others - He gave me the personality and aesthetic that He has, don't try to be someone i'm not. so i'm like, ok God, then does that mean i should get that tattoo i've been seeing in my head? yup.
90. don't beat me up for wanting a tat. if i'm not who God created me to be, then i'm being disobedient.

91. at night i generally get very little sleep if i don't take my night meds. they conk me out. i've been taking them for years.
92. i took naproxen (a prescription non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug, similar to ibuprofen), which is very hard on the stomach, for YEARS, day in and day out. why? becuase i had so much joint pain. someone said i had 'growing pains', except they never stopped until the last few years... kinda.
93. i'm desperate to get to bed.
94. cuz i've already taken my night meds.
95. and i still need to brosser mes dents.
95. and i can get reaaalllly wobbly when they kick in.
96. the bathroom is at the top of my stairs.
97. falling down the stairs hurt.
98. so i don't want to do that.
99. so i'm going....
100. now! g'night all, love ya's! and a double portion of pork chops for ya tomorrow if you read this whole list, lol!

home, james!

i'm baaaaack!

so i was without internet for a week. i just back-posted three entries i made into notepad and saved for such a time as this - my internet is baaack, my internet is baaack! whee! unlike some folks i know, i'm not going to bug my isp for a refund for this week offline - too stressful. i'm just glad it's back.

so.... let's see, what's new? well, the sound conference was awesome, i'm looking forward to helping out with the soundboard. now i know what phantom power and feedback and the snake and most of those little knobs on a soundboard do, i'm so educated now, lol. unlike a brave friend i have who did soundboard all on her own today for the first time, i'm not gutsy enough to try it on my own right away, lol!

worship celebration saturday night was awesome. ever worship and dance and flag until you feel you're going to pass out and/or throw up? that's what i did. it was loads of fun.... who needs to get drunk? come, pass out and/or throw up at church with me next sunday~!

um.... i love the sound of the studs on my winter tires, yum. like water trickling. soothing.

today i hung out in wally world with tanya for a couple hours. looked at everything under the sun, all the goodies we drool over but don't need, like beautiful bamboo placemats or tabletop dishwashers, balls of yarn (when you already have quite a few) and bolts of fabric (ditto the above), funky tee-shirts and georgeous blouses (none of which are cotton, but hey, they are still beautiful, and if i can fantasize they are made out of natural fibres, it still get's the drool flowing). i am, however, going back asap (always say a prayer) to get three pairs of 'yoga pants' i think they're called. like tights/leggings, but flare at the calves/ankles. so i'm really going to be wearing pants under my skirts, lol - not just leggings i can pretend are super thick hosiery. sigh. if only my steel-toed gumboots actually still fit me (they're too small) - they would go great with yoga pants and a skirt!

saturday night had a migraine aura, zigzags and squiggles, colors and flashing. it went away after about 15 minutes, no head pain until today, but it's mild if it's a migraine. tho i did take two advil AFTER taking two tylenol two hours earlier, as it hadn't helped. after that i eventually felt better.... until this evening when i hurt again. but geewhiz, i don't even know if i have the energy to get off my duff and go to the bathroom and get into bed, never mind adding a search for some tylenol with a sedated pair of eyes. if i don't fall over on my way to bed, i'm ahead of the game, lol!

k i must needs to go, as i'm starting to see double. will try to write more upperdaters tom or row. love ya's, ciao!

Thursday, November 09, 2006

i baked.... believe it or not!

just getting moving for the day. slept until 11:00 am; at 9 am, even after 8 full hours sleep, i was too dopey to wake up so instead of giving myself the misery of sleep interrupted by the alarm every 9 minutes, i just turned it off so i could get some real sleep for however long i needed. well, at 11ish, my unk knocked on the door of my house, bringing back the car from being 'winterized', said the a rear shock was leaking and almost out of fluid, so of course both back shocks need to be replaced, and the rad needs a good flushing as it's pretty grungy. and my beloved unk also took away that stinky matress pad mom had gotten from home care nursing and was making my face itch more and more each day, hallelujah it's GONE! whoo hoo! thank You Jesus!

enough blabbing. cell was great last night, only 5 of us, but that's a perfect fit in my itty bitty livingroom, and the kids went to libby's which was perfect as we didn't have stompin' tom connors stompin' away on the ceiling above our quiet time of study, discussion, and prayer!

and next week cell is apparantly not going to be held in just one of our homes, no, it's going to be held in 10,000 villiages! fun. lets get physical, physical, and put our muscles where our mouths are and actually DO something for our world! yeehaw!!!!!

gosh, that makes me tired just thinking about it! lol. oh well, be there or be square, rah!

i baked cookies last night. well, i should say that i added water to powder, mixed it, and threw it on a baking sheet in clumpfuls that turned into one huge mass of oatmeal. so my cookies were more triangular than round by the time i cut them all apart. what was supposed to make 30 cookies i turned into 11 huge cookies, then cut them smaller. and i took them off the pan while they were still too soft, so they fell apart a fair bit, too! o wa ta sheff iy am!

ok, i'm going to get moving in my getting moving for the day and get out of the house for a while, head over to the clubhouse and meet pam there maybe, then maybe visit with her for a bit. play some crib perhaps. then go visit the mothership over yonder in room 209.

i'd really like to get some of those old headbands with the springs and the sparkly ping pong balls on top, that look kinda like alien antennae might look like. hey, after all, as a christian, i'm an alien, a stranger in a strange land, and i'm going to head out today to reconnoiter with the mothership.... and one day i'm going to head home to my home in the heavens. where's my anntennae when i need them?

why? here's why!

so i found out this morning that the internet problem is not on my end, it's the isp's problem, software on a local level is blocking traffic for most adsl subscribers in my area. phew, it's not my puter, whoo hoo!

i'm exhausted today. i slept in the car in the save-on parking lot today, for 45 minutes, cuz i was too sleepy to move. then this afternoon i slept sitting up for almost two hours when i was visiting mom. great company i was eh? lol. zzzzz... what was that? zzzz... oh i see.... zzzzz ....ummmm....

i'm too sleepy to type now, too. g'nites all.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

no internet, bah humbug!

well, i'm writing this in notepad for now, as i've had no internet for two days, i was up half the night last night with a telus tech (very helpful guy) and what it sounds like is my ethernet card(?) is fried, we'll see, i haven't had the energy to call them back today and confirm.

and tonight, as i was changing, i felt a prick on my ankle and i looked down and there was a little black spot on my foot about where i felt it, so i picked it off, and darn it, it was a flea. so maybe there are a few fleas floating about after all.... as far as i know fleas can't live off human blood (unless they are human fleas) so should die off in a short time. problem is, i would think they surely should have by now! so i dunno. but fleas couldn't possibly be responsible for those bites i've been getting that look like spider bites (two holes), now could they? did a freaky flea fling his fangs at my flesh? if i had the internet i'd look it up!!!!!

gosh i hate not having the internet. i guess it's the fast God's chosen for me at this time, lol.

i have a pink inflamed area on one foot, as well. last thing i need is another thing on my plate, but i've thought of how many reasons to see a doctor in the last 2 weeks and put it off so many times, maybe i should. but just not tomorrow, sigh.

played apples to apples tonight for the first time, with mike and moe and mark and ruth and 'bolton', in my mom's hospital room. i won, ha! fun time.

but sadness this morning as someone i knew passed away, i'm glad i got in a visit with him on saturday, who knew it would be the last time, eh? but with sadness there's happiness, as he's now present with the Lord, hallelujah!!! whoo hoo!!! (i'm jealous!)

ps: i was thinking, after playing a game of solitair and then preparing to go to bed.... i remember from when i had my cat (over 2 years ago) that flea eggs can remain dormant for many moons, then when they hatch of course they are going to be hungry too, lol! so, phew *wipes sweat from forehead* ... i feel better now! :D

Monday, November 06, 2006

double hmmm

well, i'm still tired, feeling overwhelmed physically, and by the huge pile of dishes piling up in a pile beside my sink, lol. oh, and there's a pile in my left sink, too. i guess i got piles. heehee!

anyways, i stayed at the hospy with mom most of the day. ruth came and took photos of me and mom, mom's getting a haircut tomorrow, lopping all her lovely long locks off, boo hoo. but it will be easier for her. i offered to buzz it, but she declined, ha.

there's snow outside, and in a whole year i never managed to glue my winter boots. one day.

had a good time with tanya and samm today in the grocery store. don't ever say 'lets rock n roll!' in a grocery store, or i'll embarras you, hehe.

so today, haha, i stood up for prayer and nobody laid hands on me, i figured oh well, that's what's usually happens when i go up for prayer, nobody prays for me..... then later on i went up for prayer with the couple who shared today, and dorothy bee-lined for me and started praying even before we was supposed to start praying, lol! God is kewl.

i'm having cell at my house this week, first time in prolly over a year, cuz it's actually tidy!!!!!! whoo hoo! thanks to mickie and helpers, but it's funny cuz mickie won't be here for cell this week - boo hoo! but she'll be rockin' with her momma, so thats awesome.

the car is supposed to go get 'winterized' on thursday, so i'll be without a car most of the day thursday, hopefully ONLY thursday (ie the mechanic doesn't find something major to fix). so i'll be homebound most of thursday, so anyone who wants to come visit me stop by, lol!

tomorrow or tuesday the car is going to get it's winter tires on. that car's really going places - without me! boo hoo! my unks taking it in for me both times.

umm, what else? i'm looking forward to the sound seminar this weekend, yay! maybe learn how to properly hold a mike, lol. i need practice at that for sure, cuz i'm not always going to be able to pawn off the singing to others with better voices than me!!!! my voice is really rough right now. if i read to mom for even a few minutes my throat gets sore. maybe i should get my throat looked at too.... among other things. or maybe not.

hmmm, that's all folks. oh yeah, i was going to do the 100 things about me list, but not right now. my fingers are sore. blasted rotten place to have arthritic-type pain, in the fingers, when you play the piano! but that's ok, it just means i need to press through despite the pain in order to be obedient to God with playing. learning how to be an overcomer, right-o!

Friday, November 03, 2006


well, went and visited mom, and my unk was pretty pushy about some family photos, downright rude, i left upset. wandered around save-on for an hour or so trying to find some food that appealed to my non-existant appetite. ran into gwen, which gave me a boost. :D

got a magazine on organizing and read the whole thing tonight. dinged out mom's two huge clothing bins in the living room, so that only what she wears is downstairs, and got the bins out of the living room - space! glory hallelujah.

came upstairs and typed out the most recent draft of the song - it's coming along good, pretty much done - i can tell, cuz i'm getting bored with it.

1:00am, i think i'll play one round of solitaire and then hit the sack. already in me jams. nite folks! :)

Thursday, November 02, 2006

a quiet day indeed

well, thus far i've succeeded in having a quiet day. a few phone calls in the morning, which found me in various states of wakefulness (but always sleepiness, even if i'd been awake for an hour already). pam came over and had coffee with me, i remembered to eat and take my morning meds around 2pm, so i had a yogurt. that's all i've had today besides coffee.... and i'm really not feeling like eating. i threw out 5 nectarines yesterday (or was it the day before?) because they were busy molding away in my fridge.

the song has really come together. i'm fighting off the urge to make big changes to it, "after all, it's straight from scripture, it's not very 'unique' is it, lynne?" lol. well, how unique does it have to be? God's Word is a very unique thing indeed. so only minor changes are permitted as/unless i feel led. making it uniquely mine would not be good - it needs to be uniquely God's, period.

well, it's half past 5, i'm still in half of my jammies, never finished getting dressed yet. i been puttering all day pretty much, playing piano, fixed up my makeshift 'couch' (old futon mattress folded up and prettied up). i just finished the easiest game of spider solitaire ever - i have all the piles turned over before i even dealt once. and now i'm blogging. what i 'should' do now is get dressed and go visit mom. i need to get out of the house, i'm feeling a little bit of cabin fever. so i'll get dressed, go get mom, pick up some homogenized milk and prune nectar. ...too bad i get my shopping urges at night - i need a new wallet, mine broke but it's still usable until such time as i find the 'right' wallet, and not before, which is good because wal-mart has no good wallets right now, and nothing else that sells decent quality wallets is open this time of night, so it might take a while!

i'm thankful mom stashed a bit of money away for me.... i paid my bills so my bank balance is zippo, so at least i have a bit of petty cash for milk and prune juice, and other essentials such as a new wallet, and the odd stop at tim's for a hot smoothie and croissants, lol!

i searched mom's hospital room for a kettle high and low, and didn't find one, so i bought her one, $23. when i brought it back to her room, i found two in the lower cupboard, go figure. money i didn't need to spend. and i can't really return it now, becuase mom figured it was something i needed for home anyways, so we used it (rather than using potentially 'icky' communal kettles, lol). oh well.

wishing....and musing

wishing i could do more for mom.... wishing i could be there for her all the time. the last couple days i've retreated, having some quiet time, time to myself, and time with God. the noisier and crazier life is, the harder it is to hear Him, it seems.

i stayed two nights overnight at the hospital, and it did me in. i didn't stay the last two, or tonight. i don't think i will stay overnight very often, it's too draining.... the nurses are there to help mom, she prolly gets a better sleep without me snoring away in the corner anyways. and i definately sleep better and get more rest at home too.

i don't know if/when mom is coming home... the house looks AWESOME... mickie pulled together a little band of cleaners and movers and piler-uppers and decoraters and my whole house, except for my office and the spare room, is TIDY. WOW. and i've been keeping it pretty tidy since then too - it's only been a few days, but that's ok, hopefully it's the beginning of a trend. anyways, i say all this to say that after all that work getting things set up for mom to come home, i do hope she does... yet i acknowledge that it would be very difficult to care for mom at home. she could get up to 4 hours a day of home care nursing (or was it home support?) which isn't much, but then there is hospice volunteers that can visit etc. but my home would be far from restful. and the last few weeks i got my breaks by driving away and sitting in the car somewhere for an hour or two... but it's getting too cold for that.

i'm noticing i'm less talkative, more 'lost in thought' than i've been for a while. i'm smiling less too, which i think has more to do with fatigue (mental/physical) than depression, but i don't know.

there is definately a depression that is becuase of how a person thinks.... but there is also a medical depression, too, lack of seratonen(sp?) and what not. they often play together... my responsibility is to seek God and keep my thoughts on Him, eat properly and get as much natural light as possible.... and it's up to Him whether there is any biological component.

when i hear people talking about depression as being always becuase of our own faulty thinking, i get a bit defensive cuz i hear condemnation. it's YOUR fault. but it's not always. i mean, if there was no biological component, antidepressents don't change our thinking, so they wouldn't help at all. i'm talking about the difference between a treated illness and an untreated one - night and day.

i'm having a hard time dealing with family, too. no one besides me and mom are christians. everyone's perspective is so.... alien to me. it's amazing that one can forget what it's like to not have Christ, to not have that hope and joy that sustains even in dark times. it's totally foreign to my mind right now. it makes me feel like whacking my head against a wall, "why can't they see! why can't they see the TRUTH! it's so obvious!" ....well, it is to me. it's veiled to them.

i'm taking it one day at a time. taking it slowly. trying to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus and nothing else. placing mom's care in God's hands, not mine. wanting to do my part, but acknowledging that it's going to be less that my idealistic ideas of how to help her. letting go of thoughts of, "they should be doing more, pitching in more".... when i drove past the hospital on the way home, i saw my uncles truck in the parking lot - 10 pm. they are there, what more can i ask of them than what they want to give? mom's care is in God's hands, not mine, not theirs, not even the hospitals in the end.

anyways, a few quasi-jointed thoughts in the wee hours.... hope it makes sense, i'm not proofing it. off to bed now! love y'alls!

ps. spent a fair bit of time on the piano today... a new melody, a new song. a God song. it's not for me in the end, it's for others.... but it's ministering to me right now, more than forcing myself to try to focus my fuzzy noggin on reading the bible would, i think. more meditative. more personal. thank You, Jesus.

Outcast, Adopted.

THIS BLOG IS IN NEED OF AN OVERHAUL. there are posts from years back i would not be able to post in good conscience now. i plan to overhaul the blog, and either delete or add a disclaimer to those posts. but that is gonna take time....

The Radical Summons: "
Therefore let us go to Him outside the camp and bear the reproach He endured. For here we have no lasting city, but we seek the city that is to come." Hebrews 13:13.

"The Spirit never loosens where the Word binds; the Spirit never justifies where the Word condemns; the Spirit never approves where the Word disapproves; the Spirit never blesses where the Word curses." —Thomas Brooks

‎"God receives none but those who are forsaken, restores health to none but those who are sick, gives sight to none but the blind, and life to none but the dead. He does not give saintliness to any but sinners, nor wisdom to any but fools. In short: He has mercy on none but the wretched and gives grace to none but those who are in disgrace. Therefore no arrogant saint, or just or wise man can be material for God, neither can he do the work of God, but he remains confined within his own work and makes of himself a fictitious, ostensible, false, and deceitful saint, that is, a hypocrite." --Martin Luther (W.A. 1.183ff)

i will not let You go: "Jacob's sense of his total debility and utter defeat is now the secret of his power with his friendly Vanquisher. God can overthrow all the prowess of the self-reliant, but He cannot resist the earnest entreaty of the helpless." --Albert Barnes

i will not let You go: "Jacob's determination did not flow from his strength, it flowed from his weakness." --Charles Leiter