Saturday, February 28, 2009

a quote from martin luther

I more fear what is within me than what comes from without.
-- Martin Luther

ain't that the truth.

Friday, February 27, 2009

one word answers

yes, i know, i've done this before... but every day i'm a different person (a new creation!) and gee, the answers change. besides.... me likey this one. :P

1. Your Cell phone? cheaper

2. Your significant other? unknown

3. Your hair? centimeter

4. Your mother? dead

5. Your father? MIA

6. Your favorite thing? friends

7. Your dream last night? forgotten

8. Your favorite drink? fizzy

9. Your dream/goal? Jesus

10. What room you are in? livingroom

11. Your hobby? bloggin'

12. Your fear? darkness

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? lead

14. Where were you last night? abed

15. Your heart? broken

16. Muffins? chocolate

17. Wish list item? love

18. Where you grew up? lonely

19. Last thing you did? iPoo'd

20. What are you wearing? layers

21. Your TV? reflecting

22. Your pets? dusty

23. Friends? missed

24. Your life? CRAZY!!!!!!!!

25. Your mood? hibernation

26. Missing someone? yes

27. Car? away

28. Something you're not wearing? make-up

29. Your favorite store? dollar

30. Your favorite color? yellowy-orange

31. Your motto? survive

32. Something you say all the time? coprolalia

33. When is the last time you laughed? today

34. Last time you cried? yesterday?

35. Who will resend this? dunno

36. One place that I go to over and over? SofS

37. One person who emails me regularly? bloggerbot

38. Favorite place to eat? friends'

39. Why you participated in this survey? fun

40. What are you doing tonight? norwex!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009


two of my favorite things - cats and pianos. TOGETHER!!!!

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Google your name meme

Just type "(your name) needs" (in quotes) into google, and see what google returns!

1. Clover needs a loving home. [yes, yes i do...]

2. Clover needs little to no watering or mowing. [lies, all lies...]

3. Clover needs to receive appropriate management. [cuz mismanagement sucks.]

4. Clover needs to be made aware. [do i ever...!!!!]

5. Clover needs to focus. [haaaaaaa, i wish!!!]

6. Clover needs to exist. [...or do i?]

7. Clover needs summer conditions to increase in size again. [oy, i hope not! :) ]

8. Clover needs to be kept small. [yes, please, no more summer conditions!!! please!!! oh, have pity on me....]

9. Clover needs to be properly inoculated with live bacteria. [ah, yes - the hygiene hypothosis]

10. Clover needs to be dug out. [of my bottomless pit?]

11. Clover also works well, however, as a replacement for turf. [hey, it's fun being walked on!!!]

12. Clover needs a lot of help. [yes, yes i do. in everything.]

13. Clover needs little or no fertilizer. [i can haz virgin birth?]

14. Clover needs to pick stock quickly. ["You could make your million TODAY, if you call our operators in the 60 minutes..."]

15. Clover needs further evaluation. ["...because we suspect Clover is, in fact, a nutcase..."]

16. Clover has been quite shy since she arrived. [yes, we aliens tend to feel a bit out of place for a while...]

17. Clover needs a makeover. [gee, thanks...]

18. Clover needs to move on in life. [what a nice, trite, patronizing suggestion! why, thank you!]

19. Clover needs to be fed. [waaah, me hungry!!!!]

20. Clover needs to give a sh.... [a what?]

21. Clover needs to be addressed. [what, am i a house? hey, where's my mail?!?]

22. Clover needs to be actively growing for herbicides to work. [but why u wanna kill me?]

23. Clover needs a clean, fine, crumbly seedbed. [the princess and the pea? how would i get any sleep?!]

24.Clover needs to maintain viability. [am i at risk of inviability?]

25. Clover needs finishing, but only cosmetics. [just a *little* rough around the edges...]

26. Clover needs help coming out of her shell. [well heck, it's a thick shell...]

27. Clover needs to be socialized. [pretty accurate, actually.]

28. Clover grows quickly, resists insects, easily chokes out weeds and enriches soil with natural fertilizer. [cuz Clover poops in the woods!] ...therefore:

29. Clover needs more diapers. [shh, don't tell anyone!]

30. Clover needs yet another post where I provide specific examples of how crazy I am. [i fell over laughing when i read that one!!!! hahahahaha.....from here.]

Saturday, February 21, 2009

i will drink of Your wine...

....this morning.... God has been ministering to me out of the book of Lilac Wine, in unison with the music of Song of Solomon..... uh, erm, it's the other way around, actually, but you could say it that way... because the two are so parallel its crazy.... intoxicating... worshipful... intimate.... consecrating...

the lyrics (putting in "He" instead of 'she', as nina simone sings it):
Lilac Wine
(words and music by James Shelton)

I lost myself on a cool damp night
Gave myself in that misty light
Was hypnotized by a strange delight
Under a lilac tree
I made wine from the lilac tree
Put my heart in its recipe
It makes me see what I want to see...
And be what I want to be
When I think more than I want to think
Do things I never should do
I drink much more that I ought to drink
Because I brings me back you...

Lilac wine is sweet and heady, like my love
Lilac wine, I feel unsteady, like my love
Listen to me... I cannot see clearly
Isn't that He coming to me nearly here?

Lilac wine is sweet and heady where's my love?
Lilac wine, I feel unsteady, where's my love?

Listen to me, why is everything so hazy?
Isn't that He, or am I just going crazy, dear?

Lilac Wine, I feel unready for my love...
parallel that to:
SoS 5: 1 "I have come to My garden, My sister, My spouse; I have gathered My myrrh with My spice: I have eaten My honeycomb with My honey; I have drunk My wine with My milk... Eat, o friends... Drink, yes, drink deeply, o beloved ones."
7:9 ... the wine goes down smoothly for my Beloved... i am my Beloved's, and His desire is toward me.
8:5 ...I awakened you under the apple tree...
5:2 i sleep, but my heart is awake; it is the Voice of my Beloved! He knocks, saying, "open for Me, My sister, My love, My dove, My perfect one; for My head is covered with dew, My locks with the drops of the night."
5:6 i opened for my Beloved, but my Beloved had turned away and was gone. my heart leaped up when He spoke. i sought Him, but i could not find Him; i called Him but He gave me no answer....
3:2 "i will rise now, ' i said, " and go about the city; in the streets and in the squares i will seek the One i love."...
8: i charge you, o daughters of Jerusalem, if you find my Beloved, that you tell Him that i am lovesick!
1:2 let Him kiss me with the kisses of His mouth - for Your love is better than wine....
lilac wine.... His presence, His love.... is sweet and heady....

my Beloved came to me, in my dark night, awakened me under the tree, the tree i was born under - born into sin - and revealed Himself to me, i gave myself to Him, He overwhelmed me with His being, He hypnotized me with His 'strange' beauty and revelation - like nothing else on this earth.... this salvation i drink, i spend time in the garden with Him and drink of the wine our times together produce.... it gives me vision for my life, it transforms me to His image, the christlikeness my spirit longs for..... when i feel lost and overwhelmed, i run back to this garden and drink deeply... and come again and again into communion with Him... His very essence and presence wrecks me, and i am a fool for Him.....

...please excuse me while i go spend some time with Him, now.... before i fall over...

[listen to the song on my playlist, or here.]

Friday, February 20, 2009

vacuum woes

MRFL. i went to the vacuum store today to get vacuum bags, and the lady sold me on a $45 hepa filter (she mentioned the word 'allergies', and i was sold... cuz i'm thinking half my problem is my pet dust bunnies)...

i went out for coffee, i felt decent, and as soon as i walked in my door i started sneezing uncontrollably. YUP - allergies.

so i put the bag in the vacuum, and tried the hepa... and it didn't fit! i took it for granted that the lady knew what she was talking about. i *should* have said, "are you sure it will fit model such and such?", cuz i *had* brought that info....

...why is it that we hesitate to question another person's assurances? i didn't think mine was a hepa vac, but she sounded so confident that it was regular filters, with the option of hepa, well, she should know, right??? HA.

lesson learned.

problem is: i prolly won't get into town again until next week... i *did* ask if for some strange reason it didn't fit i could return it, she said 'oh yeah!'... but i'll scream if they don't. i can't afford the $45 if it won't help me!!!!

i'll turn around and put that money toward the norwex toilet system (if the solution passes my sniff test again, that is)... cuz now *that* will help me.....

*shuffles away hoping no one will look in her toilet*

btw, i vacuumed the kitchen, and the air seems better already. ...mind you that could be becuase i got my patio door all the way open.... :P

the causation of turning

so the last few days God's been percolating in me something....

this verse always *got* me:

Romans 12:2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. (nkjv)

a week or two ago i heard it in a different version (i don't know which), but the notes i scribbled and someone read it goes,

"Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think."

and.... well, more of the same. i gotta renew my mind, i gotta change the way i think. BRAIN, STOP THINKING THAT!!!! grr, not good thoughts go away, bye-bye now! i gotta change the way i think! stop thinking that! or that! OR THAT!!!! ...gee, i want a renewed mind, but BAH, i can't do it!

well, therein laid the problem, and i didn't realize it, until a couple of days ago when the sheet i had written that verse down on again popped up in front of me (yes, it jumped out at me from it's hiding spot under all the junk on my table!), and i read what else i had written down at the same time (so He'd actually plunked it into my heart then!)...

"*I* let God transform me by (me) changing my thoughts? ...or... I give permission to/ask/let God transform me by (HIM) changing my thoughts"...?!

i always read it to mean that HE changes my mind by ME doing it.

and *THAT* is what's been percolating in me... who's actually doing it? ... and who am i actually looking *to*, to get it done?

and i realized a was looking to myself to get it done... i do the work, He anoints it, yes, but i do the work.

oy, this is where unclear language can get us, eh? i thought, when forcibly change what i'm thinking, i am thereby 'letting' God do what He needs to do! ... but the causation behind action in the entire phrase is 'let God, let God'.... breaking it down it could be written, 'let God transform you into a new person, by letting God change the way you think.'

AHHHH.... now it makes sense.

*whacks head*... it seems so obvious now, but it sure didn't before. that's the illuminating work of the Holy Spirit, for ya.

so today i looked it up in matthew henry's commentary, and this one part stuck out:
This transformation is here pressed as a duty; not that we can work such a change ourselves: we could as soon make a new world as make a new heart by any power of our own; it is God’s work, Eze. 11:19; 36:26, 27. But be you transformed, that is, "use the means which God hath appointed and ordained for it.’’ It is God that turns us, and then we are turned; but we must frame our doings to turn, Hos. 5:4.
i love that last bit: "It is God that turns us, and then we are turned; but we must frame our doings to turn." reflects the interplay between God's sovereignty and our actions. i looked up the verse in Hosea, too:

"They do not direct their deeds Toward turning to their God, For the spirit of harlotry is in their midst, And they do not know the Lord."
He doesn't charge that they didn't TURN, but instead charges that they did not direct their actions TOWARD turning... ie. 'framing their doings to turn', as matthew henry said.

so, i aim towards/prepare for/turn towards ...BEING turned.

therefore, i am to aim toward God changing my thinking... not me.


this is why i love thinking about God's predestination/sovereignty.... not that i am not free to disobey - or am not called to action on my part - but because it ascribes the *POWER* to effect change and work in our stubborn souls the things we couldn't possibly do ourselves solely to GOD, and Him alone, and never to us.

i mean, if we were able to do something that God can't - or even if we can just hinder His power, or exert more control than Him - then who is *really* the "god"?

Thursday, February 19, 2009

A LOT not so much

other than this being my 7th - yes, 7th!!! - post of the day, i've been VERY productive in other ways. jus' call me suzie homemaker! lol (the only thing i didn't do was BAKE, lol)

i did 4 loads of laundry
i folded and put away about 8 loads of laundry
i had a shower
i made oatmeal
i emptied the dishwasher, washed a load, emptied it again, and loaded the last of my dishes into it...
i made pasta for dinner, with a cream cheese/garlic dressing!
i surfed *alot*, and researched some stuff for a phriend of the fone.
i roasted (ha, i guess i did *bake* something! lol) some seasoned garbanzo beans, yum. (at 10 pm!) (which i'm currently munching on!!!)

....gee, now as i read back over this list, i'm discouraged... these are all things i *should* be able to do in a day - and more!!!! darn.... why did it feel like *such* a great accomplishment, then?

*BUT*.... for me, it *is* a LOT, indeed.... plus, my head cold has been *very* painful today... i gotta give myself some GRACE - cuz obviously He gave me some today, extra speshul!!!!


i am inspired by this artist i just came across, Audrey Kawasaki ... i love her style! it actually inspires me to break out the tools! lol....

but i can only suggest going to her website prewarned and edumacated: there is a fair bit of nudity in much of her art... and she also does some *gasp* i know, but we *are* in this world.... erotic art. but the erotic art is pretty much in the latter pages of the galleries, so if you stick to the first few pages you should avoid most of it.... so, forwarned is forearmed (and forgone if need be... use your discretion!)... here's her site.

Kitchen Staples Meme

List 10 Staples in your kitchen (ie. foodstuffs, not gadgets) and tell *why* they are so important, and *how* you use them.... also, list 5 foods you *never* (or rarely) bring into your kitchen, and why.


1. demerera sugar - it's all i use in my coffee at home (i haven't touched my jar of white sugar in months!) - it adds an amazing richness to the flavor, and i take great rationalizing peace in the fact that there are micronutrients in it (leftover from the molasses)! ;)

2. garlic powder - i use it in virtually *everything* i cook (ok, not rice pudding, lol!), it adds so much flavor, and is so good for you. i could separately add (but won't, because then just the 'spices' would use up half the list! lol) fresh cracked black pepper, garam masala, curry, and basil.

3. parmesan/cream cheese - i'll list them together, because their importance for me is the same: they last *forever* in the fridge (they never go bad before i use them up, anyways), they never go moldy on me (whereas blocks of cheese usually go moldy before i've used even half the block, bah!) and are a staple in my diet in terms of calcium, protein, and fat (yes, 'fat' - awesome to balance the glycemic index of a starchy meal so you don't get the blood sugar spike/fall that is common with insulin resistance/hyperglycemia)... useful for rice, pasta, toasted under the broiler, you name it - between the two of them, you can pretty much cover the spectrum of how cheese can be used!

4. club soda... i know some people say it tastes bad, but to me it only tastes like fizzy water! better than perrier, imho! .... its a refreshing no-calorie way to get water in my diet, and i can dress it up with a spoonful of frozen fruit juice concentrate and whole milk, pop in a straw, and voila! healthy spa-worthy treat! :D i also love doing the same with grenadine syrup instead of juice - but yeah, not so healthy... i aim for the fruit juice. :)

5. whole milk - ...first off, realize that i *rarely* drink it as a 'beverage' - i treat it like food. it is dense and rich, and when i *do* have a small glass of whole milk, it's as the perfect bedtime snack with my meds, or a quick snack (ie *food*) on my way out the door. i use it in cooking to add richness and protein and flavor (i never use cream), in my coffee instead of cream (or that fake chemical-laden sugary french-vanilla stuff!), and it adds the perfect combination of protein and fat to a bowl of whole-grain (the flour, not the whole grain itself) cereal (same as #2, ie. the starchiness/glycemic index factor.) ...include, also, it's co-staple - 2% evaporated milk... for when i run out of the real stuff.

6. organic quick-cooking oats - it's my version of 'instant' oatmeal: add boiling water and oats to bowl, let sit 5-10 minutes, dress as desired. i usually use it's co-staple, cranberry trail mix, and put it a half cup or so at the same time (ie the nuts and seeds soften a bit, and the fruit plumps up).. yum. or i'll use a bunch of organic raisins (no sulphites), instead. no need for sugar!

7. yogurt cups - 2% fat or higher, and not too sweet. and with active cultures. it's my 'i'm hungry, i need a snack' food. convenient. but i am *so* picky... the kind i'm getting right now is island farms vanilla-plus-fruit kind... most other brands i find too sweet or icky-textured or *something* i don't care for.... i love eating it mixed in with plain cheerios or other whole-grain/low sugar cereal, and a bit of milk.

8. whole grain starches: wholewheat/multigrain pasta; brown, red, or black rice; and pot barley (not pearl - all the bran/germ has been polished off leaving nothing but starch - pot barley still has some of it (but broken/distressed so it will cook through)). i lump all these together cuz i see them as a certain class... if i have any of these things in my cupboard, i can make a meal... add in some beans or cheese or peanut butter or tuna or (cooked) nuts/seeds or other protein, and i'm set. ...and if i feel like dessert, i'll make up rice pudding. :)

9. canned/frozen goods. i'll admit, fresh food usually rots before i use it. meat takes so much effort to cook, i'd rather reach for the beans or tuna. vegetables i usually can't eat raw (or not much, anyways), and take so work to prepare (i'm more tired than lazy, fyi! lol) that they will often rot in the fridge.... so frozen mixed veggies are awesome... not peas and carrots, though (too starchy) - i go for the oriental and other 'fancy' blends that have a lot of spinach, baby corn, broccoli, snowpeas/sweet peas, etc. *quality* veggies (ie. not too sweet or starchy like the *cheaper* potatoes, corn, peas, or carrots). but i don't have many canned soups - too many iffy ingredients, salt, etc - why, when it's so easy to make my own?! ...and definately not alphagetti or beans'n'pork or the like - *real* food only! anyways, 'canned goods' is the one area of my kitchen/food/eating life that i go for convenience, becuase whole-out meal-prep - chopping veggies and thawing/cooking meat - is so mentally and physically draining for me... when i'm up to it, i enjoy cooking immensely, but i'm just not usually up for it... so i've learned what works for me, the best, at this point in my life. :)

10. COFFEE. yes, i'm addicted. in the first half of the day, i have 'nescafe encore' instant coffee.... later in the day i'll have 'nescafe rich' decaf instant coffee. when i have company i'll make timmies coffee in my stove-top drip pot. always with a teaspoon of demerera, and whole milk. i'm addicted... but more to the routine of it - i *can* go a day without drinking coffee if i'm not in the mood...!!!


1. NO junk food - potato chips, microwave popcorn (i don't have a microwave anyways, lol), nachos, licorice, chocolates, pop, donuts, muffins, cakes, cookies, etc... only *occasionally* do i get a *tiny* container of hagen-daaz (sp?) and i try to make it LAST - at least a week (but i do prefer to make my own ice-cream, so i know what's in it - and it tastes better, too!). i have a stash of scotch mints i rarely raid (one or two, every few days, if i'm in the mood?)... btw, it's not that i *can't* have these things - i just *choose* (ie, i have the power over the junk, not the junk has the power over me!) not to have them readily available in my home, and when i do want it, i go out and have it. for example, when i go grocery shopping, if i feel like a pop, i'll get one, and it often lasts me the whole day (my shopping-day treat!) but otherwise, i rarely have pop.

2. NO highly processed meats or cheese - hot dogs, sausages, cheese slices, cheese whiz, etc. i *do* have bacon in the freezer (i'll hack a half-inch off the end of the frozen block and fry it and use it to flavor an entire pot of food, but i don't cook bacon for bacon's sake). highly processed food i see as 'garbage' and not actually *food*, and i just plain don't WANT it. ewww. once in a blue moon when i'm out, sure. but not at home.

3. NO pre-packaged foods - Kraft Dinner, rice mixes, ichiban-style noodles (unless i'm sick and can't eat anything else, like last fall), seasoning mixes, boullion cubes, Side-Kicks, Hamburger Helper, Shake'n'Bake, hashbrowns or oven fries, instant oatmeal packets, etc. aka *refined foods of death*. ewww. the only items of this sort in my cupboards were either given to me or purchased under duress (sick, etc), and sit there unused.... again, it's *not* food. it's so full of chemicals, they hold *no* appeal whatsoever. again, when i'm out at someone's house, fine, and you betcha i'll enjoy it, too!... but not at home, not on a regular basis. occasionally i'll have a frozen pizza or perogies, but that's as a treat - and try to save it for times when i can *share* - a friend comes over for lunch/dinner, say.

4. NO 'high-fibre' (psyllium/bran) cereals or bread, or 'whole-grain' bread (ie. any 'whole-grain' cereal or bread i get must be *flour* made with the whole grain, not the whole grain themselves) - i just can't digest them, they irritate my bowels, and make things nasty in the bathroom. and whole flax seeds are the *evilest* of all. i aim for soluble fibre, period. 'nuff said.

5. NO white-foods - white bread, white rice, muffins, croissants, white sugar. they are *evil* and *poisonous*, and i have no desire to have them in my home. when i want a treat, i'll go 'out' for them... again, i *can* have them, i just *choose* not to have them in my diet on a regular - or convenient- basis. for example, i *love* the cheese croissants at timmies.... but at home, they would be baaad news. ...i *do* have white flour - but to mix a small amount in with whole-wheat or rye flour when baking bread (glutenizing). i *have* been finishing off a bag of white rice, but only because it was given me in a time of need.... i now have a bag of brown. i *do* have some white sugar, somewhere, in the back of my cupboard... just in case (mostly for visitors who prefer white sugar in their coffee! they are so STRANGE! lol...).... and i get some white bread at the sally-ann when things are tight - but i try for brown bread/rye when i can. (but beggers can't be choosers...!!!) :)

a last note: i *can* eat ANYTHING i want... it's that i choose to not want a lot of things. i do *not* feel deprived, because i know i *can* have them - if i really want them. but i put a lot of thought into whether i really want something laden with refined white sugar and preservatives blah blah blah... and guess what?! they really don't appeal to me much. the *ick* factor i thus perceive over a bag of one-bite brownies usually wins over the *mouthwatering* factor, lol. but if i really *do* want a brownie, then i'll have it. :)

i watch my carb intake, balancing it with protein and fat (i no longer see fat as my enemy! - just something to be balanced like everything else).... i aim to stop eating when i'm no longer hungry (not just keep eating until i feel *full*)... and can and do eat anything i want *if* i really want it... and to this i credit my slow-slow-slow but STEADY weight loss. but these are all changes God has wrought in me - it has nothing to do with self congtrol, i tell ya!!!! - so i give myself little credit in any of it. it's just the goodness of God...!!!! :D

i used to be like many others - addicted to carbs and sugar, hungry constantly, insulin resistant (i believe they call it 'metabolic X syndrome' now), and well on my way to diabetes.... but in the last 10 years i've lost that insulin-resistance skin-fold 'tan' and my appetite has no need for me to struggle to control it, ever - it's not out of whack like it once was.... so if anyone thinks my eating philosophy is *whacked*... well, maybe it's not so *whack* after all.... it brought my body from *out of whack* to *back in whack*!!!! lol :)

a thought to ponder, and my ponderous answer


"Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive up ATM?"

arrgh. this is one of those questions that is just questioning to be annoying! lol.

my long pondered conclusion (smell the sarcasm? lol).... i'm sure they make keys for the keypads for multipurpose use... and they are not going to specially make keys without braille for those few times the braille may be redundant - it's cost and practicality.

...and for the person in the back seat, driver's side, who's blind and wants to bank without getting out of the car - why should only the 'sighted' population get the luxury?!

redundancy disproven. HA!

5 items of spiritual significance

the meme: list and write about five items (or animals/plants/etc) that have spiritual significance for you, and talk about it!

1. the FOUR-LEAF CLOVER - God brought special meaning to them by using them to reveal to me the meaning of the scripture that says "he that is joined to the Lord is one spirit with Him" (1 Corinthians 6:17)... you know how they use a three-leaf clover to (imperfectly, yes) illustrate how the Trinity is separate and distinct, and yet only One essence? well, while reading (or hearing it being read? i forget) God brought it to life by bringing a fourth leaf into the three-leaf clover, and saying, (basically):"that's how joined you are to Me... one with Me... forever adopted and co-heir and reigning with Me... one spirit with Me..." WHAMMO. bowl me over, why doncha, Lord?! lol

2. a NEST WITH THREE EGGS - God personally ministered this to me, to my deepest being, that i cannot fully explain (but i can, somewhat, or i wouldn't mention it! lol)... it speaks of God's Sovereign care and plan and destiny and purpose for my life, in this way:
  • the nest is the care and protection provided for the eggs, purposed to that before the eggs even existed (God's predestination and care), and holds them and keeps them through their time (my life, history, future).
  • the first egg represents the fallen, dark side of me: my unregenerate man, basically, and all the enemy would have me to be... God's taken care of that egg, even in it's darkness, kept it safe and never would think to discard it - His redemption,.. (speaks much of my past, as well as the struggle with the flesh)...
  • the second egg represents the me that i am becoming, my salvation, my sanctification... my new-creation life, here on earth, the part of me that seeks to follow Him.... He is *keeping* me in it, in Him - my day-to-day life and walk.
  • the third egg represents my predestination, set-apartness, that He planned before the foundation of the world. He has held me in His heart and plans all that time, safe (in the nest), and speaks volumes of the eternal plans and purposes - the destiny - that He has for me, beyond this life. (what i can't explain to y'all is, of course, the depth to which it personally ministers to me.)

3. DREADS/WOOL - ahhh... how to explain?! wool and other natural hair fibre (including human hair, ergo the dreads), because it has scales, will 'lock up' with the hairs beside it and tighten, forming a solid fibre. this is why wool sweaters can shrink to half the size, pill when exposed to friction, and hair will tangle up and become dreads. so the meaning behind dreads for me, and my love of working with wool in felting/fulling (deliberately locking up/shrinking the wool), are based in the same concept: UNITY and WHOLENESS. anybody who knows me well knows that i pull out my hair... well, it is often a psychological symptom that, to me anyways, can indicate deep-seated self-rejection and loathing. well, God wants me to not reject myself, but to love myself as He loves me, recieves me, and never rejects me, and to come to wholeness in Him. He wants to join me up into one whole person, just like the multiple fibres of wool, or human hair, join to become a new - and whole - integrated whole. *kewl*

4. the ADOPTION NECKLACE - this is a neclace i made of flawed, damaged, or misshapen beads, one-offs, oddball beads, and leftovers (not enough to do anything with). as i was beading the necklaces for the adoption project, i would put these kinds of beads in a pile, and one day i gathered them together (i was bored) and laid them out on my beading board in a chromatic order... fiddled with them a bit to balance it, and came out with something beautiful. and it became a personal word - and lesson - for me... that in God, there are no cast-offs, rejects, or unloved beads (people)... and also, so it is withing us each individually - there are aspects of ourselves sometimes we don't like, but they are there for a reason, and if we embrace and minister love to these areas, God can make something beautiful...

even if one day i no longer have this necklace, i will forever remember the revelation, promise, and lesson it brought. some examples of the kinds of items in the necklace: misshapen pearls (points, extra holes or 'bubble-like' flaws); cracked or misshapen glass beads; beads where the hole is off-center, or the color or finish didn't 'take'; beads that would have gone in the garbage as 'useless'. ...sounds very much like the body of Christ, does it not? :)

5. the TALE OF DESPEREAUX - the story, whether book or movie format. this mouse lives in a world of fear, but for some strange reason, he doesn't have any! he refuses evil, fear-driven rules in favor of freedom, and eventually brings other mice to that same freedom. God's promise to me?: to free me from ungodly rules and fear, and bring me to freedom from fear. a personal Word from God to me! ...'nuff said! (to find out more on how God has ministered to me with this story, look for my other posts on it. maybe google 'despereaux' in 'this site only' or somethin'? sorry i have no tags/labels to search...)

sproost - my collection of stuff!!!!

i definately have *a* style.... here's my collection of stuff i like for my dream house... peaceful, yet with life! i love how it all comes together!

(click to see full size)

check out Sproost for yourself, and have some fun!

weather kitty

kitty wanders onto the set, and weather man spontaneously picks him up... kitty noms on his chin and cuddles, so cute.

it's too bad there weren't more elements of randomness in live tv... it would make it more interesting for sure. maybe every tv station should get a 'studio kitty'?!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

duckie love

its actually a profound thought, for all it's simplicity... that if more of us had ducks, maybe we wouldn't all be so MAD at each other?!......

lol. love it.

one word answers

1.Your Cell phone? red.
2. Your significant other? Jesus
3. Your hair? shooooooooooort!
4. Your mother? dead
5. Your father? who?
6. Your favorite thing? love
7. Your dream last night? forget
8. Your favorite drink? coffee
9. Your dream/goal? heaven
10. What room you are in? main
11. Your hobby? blogging
12. Your fear? life
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? six?!
14. Where were you last night? cell
15. Your heart? pained
16. Muffins? blueberry
17. Wish list item? heaven
18. Where you grew up? here
19. Last thing you did? sweater-ed!
20. What are you wearing? jams
21. Your TV? redundant
22. Your pets? dustbunnies :)
23. Friends? miss!
24. Your life? tiring
25. Your mood? disvisioned
26. Missing someone? yes
27. Car? parked
28. Something you're not wearing? c-pap :(
29. Your favorite store? reitmans
30. Your favorite color? creamsicle
31. Your motto? endure
32. Something you say all the time? shouldn't
33. When is the last time you laughed? yesterday
34. Last time you cried? yesterday
35. Who will resend this? dunno
36. One place that I go to over and over? church
37. One person who emails me regularly? tim
38. Favorite place to eat? mouth
39. Why you participated in this survey? fun
40. What are you doing tonight? nuttin

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


germs and love

the current thought to ponder (sidebar): "Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?"

hmm, that kind of fits what i want to say today...

have you ever imagined a world where the love flowed truly free, and nobody ever *ever* held it back for personal reasons?

i'm actually thinking of a particular example.

have you ever imagined a world where people will freely embrace a leper, tend to a bleeding person without fear, or hug a sick person worries of getting sick themselves?

i confess, i am a hugger. (yeah, big surprise, eh?) ...and God challenged me early on in my walk - would i embrace the leper with NO thought to my own well being? why, yes, Lord! (thinking of the leper colonies overseas where mother teresa worked away).... "leper" meaning anyone rejected, because they have a life that is not pleasant? ...yes, Lord, i will! "leper" meaning anyone who is smelly, has cooties, or is in any way contagious? ...Lord, i am willing. "leper" meaning someone who has head lice and you have your precious dreads? OUCH, Lord! but yes.... lol.

(just fyi on the last one, God tested me on that this september, when a friend's son thought he had head lice... and the thought just kept running through my "Lord, i don't want to love him any different, Lord, i don't want to love him any different!!!" lol.... i think i did ok. :) ...oh, and i did *not* get head lice!)

anyways, the one i'm thinking of today is anything contagious. it is firm in my spirit, i will not *ever* NOT hug someone because they are contagious!

to me it is the saddest thing ever to see a person who is sick, and in need of some extra TLC, and people say, "ew, stay away from me!" it grieves me, actually. so when a person is sick, i will walk right up to them and hug them, or like i did to my friend dana a coupla weeks ago, gave her a big smackeroonie on the face (close enough to the mouth to make my point but *not* hitting it! *giggles*) and said, "God's in control of whether i get sick or not, i'm not afraid of your germs!"

someone might say, "yeah, but you are sick now, so what does that prove?"

it proves that with all the sick people i make a point to hug, and this being the first cold i've gotten all year, points to God's sovereignty. *naner naner*

plus an extra challenge to my spirit: would i kiss someone who's sick on the face again? (and run the *risk* of getting sick again?) bet. this minor illness compared to the continual avowing of my love and care to people? no comparison. it's worth the 'risk'.

but really, is there even a 'RISK'? because i really, truly, believe that i can bathe in germs and not get sick, or i can avoid people like the plague and still get sick, because it all depends on God's sovereign plan. all my efforts and avoidance mean nothing - and all my forays into people's germ-filled personal space mean nothing - when it comes to getting sick... it's all up to God.

now, all that said: my reason for writing this.

i *am* a hugger. i thrive on physical contact. i communicate love through physical touch, and i receive love through physical touch. but while i will go into no man's land on my own behalf, i will not force my germs on others - they are at different places in their walk, and i want to be sensitive to that.

anyways... last night someone wouldn't hug me, and stayed at about a three food distance from me.

and i'll admit, i felt a bit like a 'leper'.... *eww, cooties!*

but this is what i take out of it... i am even more reinforced in the idea that i am going to love on people despite their illness - and potential contagiousness.

because, honestly?... the refusal to hug did not feel like 'just one less hug' (rationalisationable with: 'after all, i got a few other hugs, so i'm good')... it felt more like.... kids on the playground, running away, yelling, *eww, cooties!* .... a form of rejection. understandable, to be sure, but rejection nonetheless.

i think of how many hiv-positive people must be shied away from, and it makes me sad. and OH, how much a hug or touch must mean when they get it unreservedly! how healing it must be!!!

so.... would it be any less healing for someone with a simple cold or flu? sovereign is *your* God?

Sunday, February 15, 2009

a quizztionaire

1. Can you take this without deleting or fibbing on any questions?
without fibbing, yes - but there is at least one question i won't answer due to inappropriate content.

2. Would you get back with your last ex if they asked you?
not as things stand, no.

3. Who was the last person to comment you?
i don't remember....

4. Does anything on your body hurt?
my ears... the etruscan(sp?) tubes between the ear and throat.

5. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

6. what are you listening to right now?
absolutely nothing.

7. Where were you at 2:00 this morning?
asleep in bed!

8. What CD is in your player right now?
there's two or three in there, but i don't remember what they are, i've been streaming music lately....

9. Name a lyric from the song you're playing?
from a recent song... over and over again?.... 'i love you a bushel and a peck'....

10. Do you have plans today?
seeing as how it's 10:30 pm, to go to bed at a reasonable hour.

11. What was the best thing that happened today?
while laying in bed, feeling miserable, the sun shone between the slats onto the wood of my bed frame and glistened prettily...

12. Will you be in a relationship next month?
i highly doubt it.

13. What can't you wait for?
*sighs* ...heaven.

14. Is this the best year of your life?
not so far! but i can hope.

15. Can you count to ten in more than one language and what language?
verbally in french and german - badly.

16. How much milk do you put in your cereal bowl?
a fair bit.

17. When there are questions missing in surveys,do you come up with new ones?
yeah, sometimes.

18. Who pissed you off today?

19. Three things you did today?
slept, blogged, and ate soup.

20. Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed?
yup, i planted a wet one on dana in the middle of the church a couple of weeks ago! lol i'm sure someone witnessed it. i was making the point that i wasn't afraid of her cold germs. :P

21. Do you think you've ruined your chances with someone?

22. Are you good at hiding your feelings?
i'd say yeah.... with a childhood like mine, you were not allowed to have emotions. but sometimes they are overwhelming, and there is no hiding them....

23. Have you ever made someone laugh when they were crying?
yeah, quite often i think. i can be a real doorknob!

24. What is something you currently want right now?
money to spend.... there are so many things i need - never mind *want*! - but have to go without.... new underwear, for example ;)

25. Have you ever been punched by the opposite sex?
no, i don't think so.... but i think when i was a kid *i* punched someone of the opposite sex!!!!

26. Whats the relationship with the last person you texted?
uh, honestly, i don't remember who it was.... i don't text much.

27. Favorite jeans?
my mxm petite mid-rise i got last march - they are the only full-length jeans that don't fall off me without a belt! lol ...but they are getting there....

28. Who knows you the best?
Jesus. He totally *gets* me.

29. Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night?
no... but i made up for it during the day.

30. Kiss or hug anyone today?
nope. alone alllll day. not seen one single person in the flesh today.....

31. Do you like Obama?
do i know him? i mean, i can't possibly know enough to make that kind of judgement call, can i?

32. When did you last cry?
yesterday... cuz i don't think i have today, yet!

33. Who were you with yesterday?
half the church, at the valentines dessert thingy. i was the only unmarried person from our church who went - wazzup wit dat?!

34. Do you have a deep secret?
i have lots i don't talk about to just anyone.... but Someone knows it ALL, and loves me anyways :D

35. Do you like someone?
um, i like my friends....

36. Have you ever made anyone cry?
yup. especially when i was a kid. as an adult?.... i don't remember any time, i sure hope not. no that's not true, i've prolly had enough conflict with my best friend to send us both off sniffling... but we always make up!

37. Are you normally a happy person?
not lately. cheerful and chipper, yes; internally happy, hell no.

38. Do you miss anyone?
everybody. :(

39. What's something you wish you could understand better?

40. Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with an i?
um.... i don't think so....

41. Do you believe in love at first sight?
i believe one can *know* that person is the *one*.... but love grows over time.

42. Who was the last person to talk to you on the phone?
pam. every day, several times a day. my virtual tele-roomie! :)

43. What do you want in life?
healing, wholeness.

44. Do you believe in true love?
agape love.

45. Do you like McCain?
i have no basis, but my gut says i don't care for him for some reason *shrug*

46. Do you miss your past?
i don't remember enough of it to miss.

47. Are you proud of the person you've become?
more so, over time.

48. How good is your eyesight?
decent. no glasses, despite mild astigmatism.

49. What's the longest amount of time you've been on an airplane?
2 1/2 hours, i'd guess....

50. What are you doing besides this survey?
nothing. waiting for my pills to kick in so i'll actually sleep.

51. In the past week have you felt sad?
heck yeah.

52. Do you think you can last in a relationship for more than 3 months?
when its the right one, of course.

53. When is the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
two or three times this year, so far. but i never do. (not since i was a kid, anyways!)

54. How many people do you know with your name?
one girl when i was growing up, but spelled differently. one lady i know professionally, spelled differently, i believe, also. several with it as their middle name.

55. Would you rather watch football or baseball?
neither. hockey, yes. soccer, yes. basketball, tolerable. football and baseball, no. BORING.

56. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?
warm or *cool*, both are nice. *hot* or cold, i'll take cold anytime.

57. Why do you think people kiss with their eyes closed?
to minimize input from the four other senses.

58. Have you ever made out in a library?
that's like saying, 'are you a member of the mile-high club?'... hello? appropriate question, i think not! lol

59. What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
played solitaire on my cell phone.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

i will rise

i want this album...

a valentines word!

Word of the Day
February 14



1 : silly, foolish; especially : unduly sentimental
*2 : being sentimentally in love

Example Sentence
It was Valentine's Day and spoony couples were enjoying romantic candlelit dinners at the city's many fine restaurants.

Did you know?
In 19th-century British slang, "spoon" meant "simpleton" (a meaning that may have been influenced by the "shallowness" of some spoons). That use of "spoon" brought about the adjective "spoony" to describe a silly or foolish person. In time, the foolish manner implied by "spoony" began to take on sentimental and amorous overtones, and it soon became the perfect word for those foolishly head over heels in love. Another "spoon" is a verb referring to love-making or necking. That use of "spoon" may stem from a Welsh custom in which an engaged man presented his fiancé with an elaborately carved wooden spoon.

cat translation

first watch the original video:

cute eh?

now watch the translation video:

Friday, February 13, 2009

He will always understand

maded me sniffle...!


...ahh, brucie! :P an a friend were trying to sing this today, lol... had to tube it! :D

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

i cannot be silent

i cannot be silent.
i simply cannot.
not when it groans within me.
not when i feel the heart of God breaking.
i cannot be silent.

oh that i would be, could be, silent...
it would be easier
life would be simpler
coasting with the status quo
refusing the challenge
...refusing to challenge.

will i be a fool for You, Lord?
though it hurts to no end?
Oh, Lord... yes.

i will be the foolish thing
i will be the weak thing
that you may confound us all.

a broken, weak vessel is what i am.
if you can use me, do.
if you can redeem my brokenness and fallibility, do.
if i am rejected and misunderstood in it, do it anyways.

You are my Healer, You are my Redeemer,
You are the One who speaks value to me.
You guard and protect me.
You will support me in my fragility.
You are forever mine...
and i am forever Yours.
do with me whatever You desire, my Lord and my King.
use Your frail servant however You choose.
my life is not my own.

i will not hold back for fear,
fear of messing up Your plan by my weakness,
for You are truly Sovereign.

i will not be silent.
for the simple reason that
i cannot be silent.

Friday, February 06, 2009

'then the Father Hen will call His chickens home'...

Johnny Cash - when the Man comes around

And I heard, as it were, the noise of thunder:
One of the four beasts saying: "Come and see."
And I saw.
And behold, a white horse.

There's a man goin' 'round takin' names.
An' he decides who to free and who to blame.
Everybody won't be treated all the same.
There'll be a golden ladder reaching down.
When the man comes around.

The hairs on your arm will stand up.
At the terror in each sip and in each sup.
Will you partake of that last offered cup,
Or disappear into the potter's ground.
When the man comes around.

Hear the trumpets, hear the pipers.
One hundred million angels singin'.
Multitudes are marching to the big kettle drum.
Voices callin', voices cryin'.
Some are born an' some are dyin'.
It's Alpha's and Omega's Kingdom come.

And the whirlwind is in the thorn tree.
The virgins are all trimming their wicks.
The whirlwind is in the thorn tree.
It's hard for thee to kick against the pricks.

Till Armageddon, no Shalam, no Shalom.
Then the father hen will call his chickens home.
The wise men will bow down before the throne.
And at his feet they'll cast their golden crowns.
When the man comes around.

Whoever is unjust, let him be unjust still.
Whoever is righteous, let him be righteous still.
Whoever is filthy, let him be filthy still.
Listen to the words long written down,
When the man comes around.

Hear the trumpets, hear the pipers.
One hundred million angels singin'.
Multitudes are marchin' to the big kettle drum.
Voices callin', voices cryin'.
Some are born an' some are dyin'.
It's Alpha's and Omega's Kingdom come.

And the whirlwind is in the thorn tree.
The virgins are all trimming their wicks.
The whirlwind is in the thorn tree.
It's hard for thee to kick against the pricks.
In measured hundredweight and penny pound.
When the man comes around.

And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts,
And I looked and behold: a pale horse.
And his name, that sat on him, was Death.
And Hell followed with him.


i absolutely love this song, by leonard cohen.... i decided today to have a good read over of the lyrics, cuz there were some words i didn't understand and i wanted to read them so i would know what this song that i really love is actually about! lol....

i think it's a song that could be taken many ways... but to me, it's about coming to God - searching for Him - from a place of brokenness... we see who He is and learn His love not so much from grand declarations of who He is, but from places of brokenness, fallenness, uncertainty, and need.... not from performance, but worship... from getting a glimpse of, and receiving, His grace... i love this song all the more now, and i can truly sing it as unto the Lord. :)


Now I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light in every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

just thought i'd share of my collages.

one of the virgins, faithfully waiting, with her lamps and wicks....

Thursday, February 05, 2009


SCATTERGORIES.'s harder than it looks! Erase my answers, enter yours, send it on to 10 people including the one that sent this to you.

Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following. They have to be real places, names, things.. Nothing made up!

Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same 1st initial. You CAN'T use your name for the boy/girl name question.





cheese tester





contact lens solution


collision on commute caused a cacophony of crunching crashes :P



it may be battered... but it's still flying!

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

the cage i have known

the cage i have known is one that
having left...
i would never return to.
no amount of familiarity makes it 'comfortable'.
this cage is one
that death would be escape.
tangible pain would be easier than this captivity.

"stupid bird,
fearfully returned to the cage,
stubbornly refusing to fly..."

i am not a bird that has flown free and returned...
i have never seen the open door.
i have been told it is there, but i cannot see it.
there is nothing but darkness...
and a small, small Light....
that illuminates my feet, and one step ahead, if at all.
sometimes it's still, and dark, and i wait...

and i hope.

and sometimes is enough Light to take one step
but there is still no sight of the door.
no light peeking through the bars.
i only see glimpses in my mind of what could be...
in the freedom i have never seen.

i have been stepping and waiting, stepping and waiting
for ten long years.
my steps have become more sure,
but the process is painfully slow...
and i have grown weary.
deliverance has not been instant.
deliverance has not been total.
deliverance has not been complete.

it has, however, been promised.

"brave bird,
wearily persevering in captivity,
stubbornly refusing to give up,
to give in..."

so i will walk, within this cage,
toward the open door i have never seen,
my vision not of natural sight
but revelation that sustains...

this struggle is not for naught.

so i walk,
one step in front of the other...
waiting when i need to wait,
then walking again when i can,
and trusting God for the Promise.

and believing...
He does not despise His captive people.

(some rough poetic rambling)

Monday, February 02, 2009


... i have razor burn... need i say more?

Sunday, February 01, 2009

before and after photos


(of course, in that photo you can't see the damage done by the trich...

maybe i'll post a pic of it one day, but not today....)


a couple of messy hours and a shower later...


who knew slick-bic'n it could bring about such an obvious personality change?!


oh, ok, what the heck... i'll show you the reason for this bald season... what was hidden under my cap at church today....



just had to add... it's amazing how opinionated a person can be over another person's hairdo.... i've had so many compliments on how good the short hair looked, how much better than the dreads... but few seemed to realize that i still would prefer to have my dreads, and that there is a not-so-great reason for the haircut so i wasn't exactly stoked about it... its just lovely when you get the impression (from SOME people) that they are SO GLAD you've 'finally come around' and cut off 'those horrid dreads'... like it's a good thing. *sighs*

it's amazing how well-meaningly people can shove their foot down their throat.... i just have to shake my head sometimes...

and now i wonder how many negative reports i'm going to hear now that i'm b-b-b-bald.... why i didn't leave it, it looked so nice... like now i've regressed into 'freakville' again, and my stay in 'normaltown' was all too brief.... *double sighs*

Outcast, Adopted.

THIS BLOG IS IN NEED OF AN OVERHAUL. there are posts from years back i would not be able to post in good conscience now. i plan to overhaul the blog, and either delete or add a disclaimer to those posts. but that is gonna take time....

The Radical Summons: "
Therefore let us go to Him outside the camp and bear the reproach He endured. For here we have no lasting city, but we seek the city that is to come." Hebrews 13:13.

"The Spirit never loosens where the Word binds; the Spirit never justifies where the Word condemns; the Spirit never approves where the Word disapproves; the Spirit never blesses where the Word curses." —Thomas Brooks

‎"God receives none but those who are forsaken, restores health to none but those who are sick, gives sight to none but the blind, and life to none but the dead. He does not give saintliness to any but sinners, nor wisdom to any but fools. In short: He has mercy on none but the wretched and gives grace to none but those who are in disgrace. Therefore no arrogant saint, or just or wise man can be material for God, neither can he do the work of God, but he remains confined within his own work and makes of himself a fictitious, ostensible, false, and deceitful saint, that is, a hypocrite." --Martin Luther (W.A. 1.183ff)

i will not let You go: "Jacob's sense of his total debility and utter defeat is now the secret of his power with his friendly Vanquisher. God can overthrow all the prowess of the self-reliant, but He cannot resist the earnest entreaty of the helpless." --Albert Barnes

i will not let You go: "Jacob's determination did not flow from his strength, it flowed from his weakness." --Charles Leiter