Wednesday, January 31, 2007

new backgrounds

in need of a change, big time.


they don't work!!!! nooooo!!!! my head hurts too much to figure this out right now. garrr!


feb 2- i'm not gonna use them, im sick of the colors already.

tired but rockin'

oh gosh, i'm soooooooo tired. i'm doing an experiment - i'm not taking my night meds for the second night. last night i slept, but poorly, tonight i dozed for a bit but can't get to sleep anymore.

i feel nauseous and headachey. withdrawals, i suppose, but i don't think i'll be trying this again anytime soon.

i'd take a night med now, just to get some dang sleep, if it wasn't for the fact it would stone me out until mid afternoon if i take it now, at 6 am! i'm trying to start getting up earlier in the mornings, not mess up my sleep cycle even more!


anyhoo, last night i had an awesome jam session with deb - thanks dahlin'! kept the neighbours rockin' until then whopping wee hour of 10:45pm, lol. must do again! (....seein' as how my funky stuff is, albeit, different from your funky stuff, yet nonetheless there, i feel a lot better about my miserable guitar playing! lol)

Monday, January 29, 2007

concussion conclusion

well, it's offish - tan has a concussion. all from a standing (ie not-in-motion) slip on ice.

not a butt-head fall, but a head-butt fall.... her head made contact first.

doc said today the other docs in emerg should have spotted it before now, grrrr.

be careful out there, folks... it's an icy world out there.

rubber and glue

as christians, we need to be made out of rubber.

i had this thought during sunday's messages. when it comes to the accusers lies, we have to take the attitude of, "i'm rubber and you're glue - whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!"

he can't condemn us. he is the one who is condemned.

"i'm rubber and you're glue - all your condemnations bounce off me and stick to you!"

naner naner naner.

Sunday, January 28, 2007


up: today? my walkie - 3.1 km. cool.

down: didn't get to visit pam, she's sick! :'(

left: i did very few left brain activities, with the possible exception of taking notes at church, and blogging (the actual typing)

right: played music, wrote, sang.... a right brain day.

forward: i'm moving forward in that i feel like God's growing me in the whole gifts/performance thing. :)

backward: still feeling poor, even tho i keep telling myself i got the richest Daddy in the universe. gotta quit fretting! :(

here: my office is a mess, my house is not toooooo bad, but could be better. it would be worse if not for a little help from my friends! vonderbar!

there: mom's there... where i want to be. and i'm stinkin' jealous! :)

neither here nor there: the liar in the face of Truth! can anyone say, 'flea'?

everywhere: God.

sheesh, i'm getting tired, my brain is fluffernutters right now... will have to try this again sometime when i can actually give proper answers! lol!

alt tunings

for the musically inclined out there, i've discovered i like something i never figured i'd like - messing with alternate tunings.

i tuned my guitar down to 'open D' tuning, but trying to make chords by barreing just stinks for my double jointed fingers. and how to get a minor chord????? clueless!

next i tried an 'open Em' tuning... E G B E B E .... so to make E major all i have to do is hit the second (fifth? i always get them mixed up) string to turn the G into G#, and voila. but there's that stupid barreing again.

well, now i just started experimenting and found some sounds i like, starting with using standard chord positions (but what notes they are i didn't want to spend the time to figure out) and experimented with various simple finger placements, and just listened.... and liked what i heard.

sheesh, now i know why musicians often have more than one guitar out and about - so you can play the alternate tuning on one guitar, and regular tuning on another, so you don't have to keep re-tuning the darn thing! lol

my first walk of the year

so i set off around 5 pm today on a walk. was just going to go around the block, but wound up going down to the railroad crossing, down the walking path, over the overpass, and home again. i thought, hey, pretty good. i was suprised it took an hour tho - i mean, it was what, a kilometer or so? WRONG. i hopped in the car and tripped the odometer and measured the route out - much to my blissful aghastness, it was 3.1 km. WOW!!!!!!!! pretty good for my first walk this year! lol. and maybe i'm not as much of a slowpoke as i think i am. 3km/hr is a pretty good clip!

i hafta admit, after helping tan move, and boogiein' my butt for two days, i felt like i had to keep the momemtum going. i think all the stairs and lifting and whatnot did my backside a load of good. on saturday i felt like going for a walk, but i didn't - it was supposed to be my 'rest' day. but today i gave in to the urge, and it was fun.

when i left the house, it was about 90% light out; when i got home, it was about 90% dark. what a kewl time to walk, too, just beautiful and almost otherworldly in a way, as the light is changing.

it got a wee bit creepy by the end, tho, me being a solitary gal on the road at nightfall. but at least it was a route with a lot of traffic (albeit stinky traffic)... makes it less likely someone will lift little-bitty-me off my feet and throw me over their shoulders and take off with me! lol.

and amazingly enough, i didn't have an asthma attack (even with the traffic! though my sinuses started stinging from the exhaust fumes). and though i was hoofin' it, i didn't get my chokey phlegmy thing going on, as i have since i was a wee child when exerting myself (usually accompanied by a metallic taste, but not today!), until i hit the middle of the overpass - after going uphill for a while. but it went downhill from there! :P

gonna try to do a similar walk more often.

good reason to get a dog. :)

stage fright

been thinking about why i hate playing in front of people.

well, i found a good article (here) on stage fright, in which the author, michael johnson, says basically, it's not about you, you are there to give the listeners a 'gift'.

it's not about you, it's about the message you are delivering to them.

i don't even want to perform in front of people... i was talking to a friend who said she didn't every want to be a 'musician' becuase that would destroy the worship in her.... and i wanted to agree for myself... but i think i just can't.

there is something about standing before people and proclaiming and declaring something God has spoken. what He's spoken to me is not for me, it's for others. i HAVE to be the loudmouth declaring it. i HAVE to be the loudspeaker. i HAVE to be the giver of the gift God has given....and doing that is also worship, becuase it's obedience.

even if i hate doing it.

sigh.... the fools God chooses to uses, eh?

He said to me that 'fear of getting proud' is an excuse to not speak what He's spoken to me. He has called me to speak - sing - play what He's given me to... and if i stand up and do what He's asked me to, HE will keep my heart from pride. .... don't use fear of pride as an excuse to not obey.

maybe it's the 'hating of the doing it' that He will use to keep my pride under control?

and now the enemy is saying, "you big fake, look at how much you are talking about yourself, naner naner naner...."

oh shut up. i shall keep on with the struggle to apply the Truth to my circumstances, thank you veddy much. grrr. >:(

"If you have a gift and don't use it, it will turn on you."
~ Michael Johnson


giggles, me talking against the devil like that reminds me of the scenes in the movie "Luther" where martin luther is railing against him out loud and almost physically fighting against the powers of darkness. so hey, i guess i'm not the only one! :)

Saturday, January 27, 2007

i been sprung

lol... i did last night what i wasn't going to do anymore..... surf the net til 2 am! geez louise.

anyway, i am soooo achey today - but i'm awake and mobile as of 10:30.... with no workey and no hockey game, i feel like i been sprung - i'm free! lalalalala.... lol.

so, what to do? i want to do something fun and special. i got errands i need to run, but my energy seems to fizzle when i think of doing that. i'm thinking of getting dressed and going for a walk.... get some air, and some exercise..... then do my errands.

i have to get out of the habit of going for a walk indoors - at walmart - which often results in spending money i shouldn't have, or lusting after something i don't have, which i shouldn't do, so i just shouldn't go to walmart anymore. shouldn'ts, shouldn'ts, shouldn'ts. they will be the death of us all, tsk tsk. ......nuh.


i'm finding bloggers new labels minimally useful for me as i tend to just blather on about nuttin' honey.... how the heck should i label this post? 'moola'? and because of my current labelling woes, 'woes'? people will think i'm SO pathetic if all i blog about is money and troubles, lol.

um..... that's not all i blog about, is it?



duh, i blog about Jesus.

i just haven't since i been back online.

why haven't i?.... *scratch scratch*

anyways, i shall try to blog about Jesus later, and introduce a Jesus label to my thus far sad selection of labels.

oh woe is i!

creepy babes

here's some creepy babies and kids for ya... not the kids themselves, but what on earth are their parent's doing to them? they are not mini adults, y'know?

jolly well off to bed

hi ho, hi ho, it's off to bed i go.... far too much work for one body today! i swear i'm achey all over.

but i'm not the one who's head bounced off the ice like a rubber ball.... and with the headache and whiplash to prove it! not to mention a sore hip.... that would be tanya. ouch.

anyways, tanya and her fam are all moved in, mucho thanks to dave, tim, mark, and tan's friend jay. and her kids were awesome movers. and thanks for the van, mickie. if i forgot anyone, you know who you are, and you are appreciated. i will forever think of how much you poured into our lives every time i look upon this award, which will stay on my mantle till the day i die....

got home from helping her move (and a coupla trips to the hospy) shortly before midnight. so i'm wiped. i'm looking forward to a deep sleep in a warm bed (i'm pretty chilled from going in-out all night, it's pretty nippy out there).... and i do have my day of rest tomorrow - i definately was supposed to be at the store today, not tomorrow, so my day is clear, and i can SLEEP! REST! and maybe GO TO A HOCKEY GAME!

even though missing work was one of those things thats an honest mistake of no-one's fault, i still feel bad letting them down - even though i didn't deliberately 'let' anyone down! but you know? argh, that horrible sense of failure and fault.... get thee behind me, figbreath.

i really boogied today.... i guess it really proves that i am a project person - i can be motivated for short periods for a project, and go-go-go.... but anything with any regularity i get bored and apathetic with eventually. a creative mind? i think perhaps.

(that's prolly why, when i finally get one of my songs 'down pat', i promptly get bored with it.)

anyhoo, to sleep, perchance to dream.... i really should jolly well get to bed! just a few more minutes.....

Friday, January 26, 2007

pooped and confusicated

yah, i'm pooped. i need to go help tan pack again, but i'm still in me jammies! got to get moving, girl! oy!

am part way through applying for the bc fuel tax rebate - so i get the provincial taxes i pay on fuel refunded, up to $500 a year - which will also prove my eligibility for icbc's 25% reduction in car insurance for persons with a disability (and my ultimate reason for applying). garrr, i hate paperwork. :(

i miss my mom. life is too tiring for me.

oh, and i'll be picking up a shift at the bookstore saturday afternoon. a fiscal blessing, i'm sure, but another day of no rest. :( ...i might have to skip the hockey game on saturday night, which i've been looking forward to.

at least i know that this week i don't have to be at the church early, i can sleep in until 9ish sunday morning.......

*** whoa, this is weird, as writing this, i just got a call from one of the people at the store wondering where i was - they thought i was coming in today! which i can't do, cuz i'm helping tan pack and move still. when carol called - weds i think - i would have said 'no i can't', if she had said 'friday'..... but she definately asked me for 'saturday'..... so, this may just be an answer to unspoken prayer for a day of rest tomorrow? WEIRD. but now i feel bad that i can't be at the store when they need me. garrrrrr!

but then i can hardly get myself moving to get to the first place i have to be today, never mind a second. :(

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

feelin' poor

which is a lie from the pit of hell, of course - i have the richest Daddy in the universe, period. my Daddy God, Abba Father.

it's just that after all my necessary out-payments this month, according to my budget i'll have a whopping $80 for groceries and gas, for the month. and i spent $15 on the potluck tonight, already. sigh. pride got the better of me!

and now i have another item for my wishlist - a secular cd (which i rarely buy) - cat power's 'the greatest', listen here. thanks for the heads up, steph. totally mellow and groovy, love it. i'd, uh, limewire it or something, except i wouldn't, my conscience wouldn't allow it, of course. well, for me it's an 'of course', anyways!

i hope to buy it eventually, but not for a while yet, lol. i'll have to settle with the 30 second clips from the website to satiate myself!

things i need to some degree or another:
  • WINTER rated windshield-washer fluid - not all-season, cuz i got all-season stuff that's rated to -39 degrees, but it still freezes up when i'm driving sometimes! aarrgh! not safe.
  • gas money....
  • food money....
  • a new home, mould free, scent free, pollutant free.... that or a miracle healing for both me and my house!
  • hmm.... can't think of anything else at the moment. i guess i don't really have a lot of needs. that's a good thing!
  • a new guitar - electro accoustic, thin body (to fit my non-thin body! lol)
  • a bass and amp
  • recording equipment
  • a portable keyboard with weighted keys and pedal...
  • a cello, and cello lessons
  • an all expenses paid, guided camping trip, in mt. edziza provincial park, for a month!
  • a real piano!
oh, another need:
  • some good solid sleep tonight. busy day tomorrow! packing packing packing, packing with tanya!
  • oh, and does anyone have any space heaters tanya could borrow? they won't have heat until the 1st.....

busy day ahead

sigh. i'm so tired i just want to go to sleep. i need to eat, bathe, blah blah blah, but i gots things i need to do today.

i *must* go pick up my blister pack, and i'm helping a friend pack. then cell is a potluck tonight, so i either have to cook something (requires energy), buy something (requires money), not eat at the potluck (requires pride), or just go with nothing and eat anyways (requires humility).

i just want to go back to bed.

i'm tempted to say, i'm gonna go lay down with my bible and gets me my mornin' manna.... but i'll wind up asleep, pdq.

SO..... what do i do first? brush my teeth, snort my drugs (asthma and sinus meds), trundle down my stairs, put my kettle on the stove, put some dry oatmeal in a bowl, put some encore instant coffee and brown sugar in a mug, grab my bible, and sit and read until the kettle boils.

and try not to put my head down on the table.


i have had a few hang-ups lately - on the phone that is... a hang-up caller.

at first i thought it was someone who was just a wee bit "slow" (ahem), and didn't understand that when the greeting is playing in voicemail, i can't hear it... so it won't give me time to answer the phone if i missed the rings like a regular answering machine would.

but this morning i answered the phone, said hello 3 times, and after5 to 10 seconds they hung up. deliberately.

as horatio would say, "it's a signature...."

(dang it, when mom was in the hospy, i watched far to much csi miami! lol)

anyways, i have an idea who it is, especially after the question i was asked by a certain somebody this sunday...... about something somebody else claims i had said, but i didn't.

but to this particular person, to try to explain that fact would be useless. and to relay it through the question-asker would be as fruitless, as one would be guaranteed to get the message garbled. which would probably be what started the whole thing.

take a garbled message to a garbled mind, and you get garbles.

so, the next step is finding out how to block the caller, i suppose; except that their number is blocked so i can't *69 it!

oh well, it woke me up, anyways. my morning wakeup call, lol!


z mos vonderbar ting aboot alla dis? hehe.... God is in control. ain't nothin' can happen that God doesn't have as part of His plan.... and if it's part of His plan, it's part of His plan for a REASON... a GOOD reason. His plans for me are to prosper me, not to harm me. so whom shall i fear? whom shall i fear? ixnay on the earfnay! lol

ok... a real post for tonight

hmm. well, today was a much better day than yesterday. much more laid back. did some laundry in the morning, and yakked with a friend, got dressed, felt pooped and laid down in bed around 1:30 to warm up and rest and play sudoku, wound up sleeping until 5:30. went to debbie's for dinner, YUM, then went to a jam session at a coffee shop. was nice - not so much the live music, although that was nice - but the company. we yakked and played scrabble and i kicked major butt! whoo hoo! lol, i don't really care about winning, but i like to make the hardest words i can, personal challenge, lol. same reason i play sudoku over and over again. anyway. drove debbie home slowly, listened to the rain on the roof of the car, and didn't want to go home after! lol.


i finally got home about 10ish, made some oatmeal and watched the news for a bit while i unwound the last section of a sweater for future yarn-usage... then i heated some milk and came upstairs and read blogs and more blogs, finally feeling kinda caught up after two months of me-no-read-y!!!!!!

ok, that's it. 1:00 am, i'm finally off to bed. ciao for meow.

ok, ps, that reminds me, i'm thinking of getting a little dog, maybe a cat, but these days i feel like i need the stupidly unending drooly devotion of a doggie. the last thing i want is to be at home, alone, feeling lonely, and my cherished pet cat wanting nothing to do with me!

regarding the partying

a friend commenting on mom's going away party - fifth paragraph down..... thanks char! :)

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

naked turtle

i don't know what to write. i don't even know what i think or feel right now....

...... i'm mulling over the sense of being 'let down'.... what God's purpose in it might be.... the distance between what we say we want to do, and what we actually do.



being torn between needing God's love with skin on, but not wanting to wake anybody up, be rejected, frusterate them, or even make them mad.

knowing that when you reach out, you may get what you need, but you also make yourself vulnerable to being hurt - no, not just hurt, but devastated - if you are not recieved.

not being recieved fresh on my mind, in my heart, in my tears.

i want to reach out my hand, but fear that if i finally do, it'll just get smacked down... yet again.... so why bother?

but nay, i must persist, for every smack down there are3, 5, 10 or more loves, hugs, and encouragements.

it's just that the smackdowns hurt so much.

oh man. i don't want to be in this 'place' tonight, not again.

oh God! help me!

it's horrible when there is so much inside, and it is so stinkin' hard to communicate it.

feeling like a naked turtle, missing my shell. want to isolate big time.

even feel like deleting this - it's so much simpler that way, delete it, forget it, and it goes away. except it doesn't. and it doesn't help any with trying to get out of the bottle-stuffing habit, either.

it's easier to just not communicate, than to try to communicate what you don't know how to communicate, y'know?

being a 'christian' is the hardest thing to do - it would be so much easier to let myself be irritable and sarcastic and angry all the time.

i guess that's why love joy peace patience kindness etc are fruit of the Spirit - it's impossible for mortal man in and of himself.

i'm such a fallen human being!

oh great, now i feel mad at myself!

get thee behind me, buttmunch!

gonna go to bed, do some warfare, and hopefully get some sleep.


ps. if the fight is so hard, why keep up the fight?

cuz it's totally worth it.

.....explanation impossible.

Monday, January 22, 2007

nutshells and tattoos

well, the last two months in a nutshell? mom was in hospital, and she went home to Jesus on January 10th, 2007, at the age of 64.

best two months of my life? quite possibly. and yes, i'm serious when i say that! maybe i'll be able to explain in the future... just not tonight, i need to get some sleep.


but first, before sleep.... as promised, my dearies:

coming soon!

Sunday, January 21, 2007

addiction hiatus

well, i've succeeded in not becoming re-addicted to the computer, thus far anyhoo, after my hiatus. but that also means i've not blogged anything either.... have MUCH to share..... but i need to get off my ball (yes, i do actually sit on a big ball as my deskchair!) and get to church early for practice.

debating whether to go through mcdonalds drive thru and get two breakfast burritos (my favorite!) and no coffee (ick), or drive through tim hortons and get a breakfast sandwich (good stuff!) AND a french vanilla (yum, but totally nasty!) to wake me up a bit more.

didn't have the best sleep, lol.

Friday, January 19, 2007


yah, i know this is my first post in like two months, finally got my puter back YAY but i'm not catching up in this post, i'm just gonna rant....

i was almost asleep, and i saw the security light outside go off... then i heard squeaakkk, then chink chink, and it was a dumpster diver in our dumpster... at quarter to 2 in the morning for crying out loud!!!!!!!

i mean, gee, if you must invade our privacy for the collection of the almighty bottles, can't you do it in the stinkin' daytime?

the guy *did* at least throw all the garbage back in the dumpster, after opening all the bags and rummaging through them. at least it appears in the poor light to have been all, all that was visible anyways.... but he left the darn lids open.


not to mention it doesn't make me feel the safest to have some guy in the yard at almost 2am.


i must admit, i'm having a hard time extending grace to these guys tonight. i mean, they work pretty hard collecting bottles that i discard, to make better money than i do! from what i understand the main bottle collectors in town aren't drunks and druggies, they are raising their families and buying food. i wouldn't want to wade around in refuse for a living!

but it is a definate invasion of privacy (not so much the garbage, anything important should be shredded anyways - but the private yard, y'know?) and it woke me up. during the day if they come by i shrug, cuz at least it's in broad daylight, you know? but under the cover of night, and waking me up? i seriously considered calling the police. but there are so many serious problems out there, why bother them because i am irritated with a dumpster diver?

i need to take my irritation not so much to the police (tho maybe i should do that too), but to God..... and i find i am lacking grace.

if only there was a bin by the road we could put our bottles in, and these handy dandy recyclers can pick it up without invading ones privacy. i have no bones about them recycling the bottles i'm too lazy to recycle myself. they do the work, they deserve the deposit. but geez, 2 am? and close the darn lids! (at least there's no bears this time of year....)... and stay out of my dang yard!!!!

maybe they should privatize. people who wish to participate could put their bottles and tetra packs etc in separate garbage cans, and they can come collect them during the day...... but i guess that wouldn't keep them out of the dumpsters.

now see, i'm torn between wanting to help them and wanting to yell at them! garrrr!

Outcast, Adopted.

THIS BLOG IS IN NEED OF AN OVERHAUL. there are posts from years back i would not be able to post in good conscience now. i plan to overhaul the blog, and either delete or add a disclaimer to those posts. but that is gonna take time....

The Radical Summons: "
Therefore let us go to Him outside the camp and bear the reproach He endured. For here we have no lasting city, but we seek the city that is to come." Hebrews 13:13.

"The Spirit never loosens where the Word binds; the Spirit never justifies where the Word condemns; the Spirit never approves where the Word disapproves; the Spirit never blesses where the Word curses." —Thomas Brooks

‎"God receives none but those who are forsaken, restores health to none but those who are sick, gives sight to none but the blind, and life to none but the dead. He does not give saintliness to any but sinners, nor wisdom to any but fools. In short: He has mercy on none but the wretched and gives grace to none but those who are in disgrace. Therefore no arrogant saint, or just or wise man can be material for God, neither can he do the work of God, but he remains confined within his own work and makes of himself a fictitious, ostensible, false, and deceitful saint, that is, a hypocrite." --Martin Luther (W.A. 1.183ff)

i will not let You go: "Jacob's sense of his total debility and utter defeat is now the secret of his power with his friendly Vanquisher. God can overthrow all the prowess of the self-reliant, but He cannot resist the earnest entreaty of the helpless." --Albert Barnes

i will not let You go: "Jacob's determination did not flow from his strength, it flowed from his weakness." --Charles Leiter