Sunday, January 31, 2010

a jar of clay....

ok, this is like the most encouraging lecture ever. i had no idea that he had communication, reading, and retention difficulties. wow. maybe there's hope for me yet. ;)


weak things


Friday, January 29, 2010

He thought of... who?!... above all?

i currently have the song 'above all' by michael w. smith on my playlist (right hand column), which i have been listening to a fair bit the last few days....

... and i've been feeling this *NO!!* rising up in me. i'm having issue with some of the lyrics -- specifically, the chorus.
laid behind the stone
You lived to die
rejected and alone
Like a Rose
trampled on the ground
You took the fall
and thought of me
Above all

He thought of me, above all? He went to the cross for my sake above all? He put me before Himself, the very definition of 'All'? He suffered the wrath of God for my broken relationship with God, above all?


did He think to glorify Himself above all? did He go to the cross to bring me into relationship with the King for the King's sake, for His own glory, above all? did He purpose within Himself to take on human form and make Himself nothing in order to glorify God in His grace and redemption above all other ends? did He suffer the wrath of God to bring God's creation back to Himself and thus magnifying and glorifying His love and mercy above all?

yes, He thought of me... but above all? above all else? above All - above Him?

no, i was created by Him and for Him. i was saved by Him and for Him. i am in relationship with Him by Him and for Him. for Him.

for Him.

did He think of me, above all? above His own glory, grace, majesty and purposes? i think not. those are the first things. i am a distant second.

a second full of amazing love, grace, mercy, and redemption... and yet still vastly distant to the awesomeness of HIM.

i think He thought of Himself, above all.
and in it, He gave me Himself.
by Himself.
and for Himself.

He 'thought of me above all'? that resonates with my sense of human pride and self-importance... that even God Himself thought of me before Himself.

He didn't do it because i'm so important or worth saving.

i'm important and have worth because He did it.

it's all about Him.


francis chan on grace

... and being who you are, not what ppl tell you you are! :)

(for details on the 'fly' bit, click through to youtube and read....)


Tuesday, January 26, 2010

by heart


rock my socks off

this is the best online teaching on God's sovereignty over suffering that i have ever heard.

totally rocked my socks off.

listen to Almighty in Suffering, by RC Sproul Jr.


Sunday, January 24, 2010

God is funny like that

God's economy.

it was payday this week, so i took to church my T&O for the month.... and i came home with $22 bucks more than i went with!!!

now i can pay some on that big bill o' mine....

God is faithful like that. :)


Saturday, January 23, 2010

God as painkiller

"As long as our purpose is to have a good time, to have soul-pleasure exceed soul-pain, God becomes merely a means to an end, an object to be used, never a subject rightfully demanding a response, never a lover to be enjoyed. Worship becomes utilitarian, part of a cunning strategy to get what we want rather than a passionate abandonment to someone more worthy than we."
--Larry Crabb, "Shattered Dreams" pg. 32 (emphasis mine).
God-a-nol. a-Christ-a-minophen. Holy a-Spiritin.

give me pleasure, and stop the pain. because i want it to, and i took my daily dose of You.

oh, how empty.

the essence of the 'prosperity gospel'.

the human condition is to look for formulas to solve our problems.

but God so far beyond a 'formula'....


Wednesday, January 20, 2010

frustrations from a depraved mind

yeah, on rare occasion, i rant.

warning: i use bad language to make a point. ie, at least what i consider bad language - if your head is like mine, and echoes ad nauseum everything it sees or hears, don't read it. which brings me straight to why i rant....


why bother typing 'wtf', why not just go ahead and type it all out, it's what everyone sees/hears when they read it anyways. i mean really, is it some how 'cleaner' or 'more polite' than writing the f word in all it's glory? it's equally offensive, with a coat of whitewash makin' it look all purdy....


/end rant.

yes, to me, that is using bad language. because....

....i have that lovely little three letter phrase repeating itself - in full expression, no acronyms here in this depraved little brain of mine - thanks to seeing it once, yes once, on someone's fb status.

and so i want to throw a pie at them.

and that last point itself proves it: look up either 'depraved' or 'hypocrite' in the dictionary, and you'll see my picture.


humbling and true

read an incredible post at Ray Ortlund's blog. its amazing, beautiful, humbling, and pure truth. so opposite to the world's message. wow.


thoughts on capacity and excellence

just thinking right now on two words i hear a fair bit in regards to christianity.... that serving God well means being a large-capacity person, striving for excellence.

well, that rubs me the wrong way. that's not what i read in scripture. that's not what my sense is from God. i think it's more of a distraction than a benefit.

i think God calls us to be broken vessels - not large capacity ones.
i think He calls us to be willing and available, out of season as much as in season - when we are unpracticed, unrefined, unskilled, and unsure.

i am an artist, so my musings come from that direction, but it can be applied otherwise....

i don't want to be part of a church where the music ministry is huge and polished, with paid staff and musicians. i don't want to be part of a church where the media team is highly skilled and the sound system needs a degree to run. those things have nothing to do with finding and knowing Jesus.... and can be nothing but a distraction.

i would rather be in a small church with half-skilled but whole-hearted worshipers,
where the anointing falls because we recognize we have no ability of our own to give, and we don't see the 'anointing' as just the grease on already skilled fingers.

where talents are housed in fragile vessels, and abilities are tempered by thorns in the flesh.
where humility and reverence for the God of Grace is palpable... and the proud with gifts to bring flee elsewhere to find where their capabilities might be put on display or given it's 'due' use.

where we seek the face of God, and not His hand.
where we lay our lives down in totality before Him, and refuse to be satisfied with a notion of God as someone who exists to help *us*.
where shallowness flees, and there are both depths of fellowship in His sufferings, and depths of hope, joy, and peace.

where we are at once depraved sinners and co-heirs with Christ,
both helpless children and God's ambassadors,
both worm and victor,
both dead to self and alive in Him.

Lord, may i never be a large-capacity person... and my i strive to know nothing but Jesus Christ and Him Crucified.


Tuesday, January 19, 2010

this is incredible

want to read something amazing?

carlos whittaker posted a beautiful blog entry around one of his worship songs and an encounter with a homeless man. incredible.


tab meme

thought this would be a fun meme... but oy, i gots me a ton of tabs open....

What tabs do you currently have open in your browser? (Be as specific or as general as you would like, and add a link if you think others may be interested.)

1, 2. Facebook - usually have two or more open, cuz i fb game a LOT.
3. The Heidelberg Catechism from
4. Is Jesus an Egomaniac? sermon by John Piper
5. The Works of God - disability blog from Bethlehem Baptist
6. Jesus Came Not to Give Bread, But to Be Bread - sermon by John Piper
7. Concerning the End for which God Created the World - Jonathan Edwards
8. Out of Control - article by Ken Myers at Ligonier Ministries
9. The Pelagian Captivity of the Church - by RC Sproul
10. Passion for the Supremacy of God, part 1 - sermon by John Piper
11. Praying in the Closet and in the Spirit - sermon by John Piper
12. Prevailing Prayer for the Spirit's Power - sermon by John Piper
13. Prayer Changes People's Wills - sermon by John Piper
14. Hootsuite
15. The 40 Day Journey of Promise - day one article from RPMministries
16. blog from a children's home in haiti
17. The Anatomy of Anxiety - series from RPMministries
18. blog from a missionary family living in haiti
19. Twitter
20. The Blazing Center - blog from Stephen and Mark Altrogge
21. Seeing God's Gracious Hand in the Hurts Others Do to Us - sermon by Mark Talbot
22. Kevin Prosch "Harp in My Heart" video on YouTube
23, 24, 25, 26. pages spawned from Knotty By Nature wool shop's main page
27, 28, 29, 30. wikipedia pages on sci-fi authors i was reading up on, one of which is Madeleine L'Engle
31. Blogger, in which i am writing this post. :)

this is what remains after i closed a bunch of tabs earlier today.... these are things i'm still going to use/read/watch/listen to, soon. eventually. :)

if you read this, consider yourself tagged! :D


amazing, awesome, beautiful

yes, yes, and amen!!!


Sunday, January 10, 2010

random thoughts

went out for lunch with the gang after church, and decided to treat myself to a burger. which tasted fishy, and promptly decided to make it's home in my tummy decidedly uncomfortable. oh well~! i go out for the fellowship, not the food. so it was worth every penny! :)

tomorrow i'm going to go see if canadian tire has my birthday present from the kroeker fam in (i have a rain check): a cast iron pot. *rubs hands*. i even got some yams i could cook in it, first thing.... if they are still any good (they were purchased for christmas eve dinner, lol)

got two requests to crochet hats like mine. should keep me busy!:

good message at church today, part one of a series on 'black sheep'. ie: in Christ there are NO black sheep, outcasts, rejects, outsiders.....

on the flip side of that, we are strangers in a strange land, a world not our home, rejected by a society that hates anything that reminds them of Christ.... so i've embraced - to an extent, the notion of being an 'outcast'. the first verse i currently have written above is fitting: "Therefore let us go to Him outside the camp and bear the reproach He endured. For here we have no lasting city, but we seek the city that is to come." Hebrews 13:13. to be part of God's family is to expect rejection from the world. and we are called to 'willingly' go outside the camp - to willingly embrace the reproach of those who are within the camp. to 'willingly' be black sheep, in a sense. it's a 'to whom' it may concern situation, lol....

so, tim, 'outcast' stays, but is now modified by 'adopted'. he he. :D

i still want to get one of those headbands with the two bobbles on springs on top-- alien antennae, LOL.

also, being who God made me to be requires me to stand out. i hate standing out. i shared once at home group that i'm a natural introvert and everybody laughed!!!! (not meanly or anything, they just didn't buy it one bit, LOL). but being created by God to be colorful and creative does NOT an extrovert make. i *hate* being noticed!!!! so today i was like, ok God, you turn the black sheep into white sheep... but what about those with polkadots and zigzags, huh? huh? HUH? LOL ....except He made me colorful, and it's not 'flaws' worthy of rejection, (altho
ugh the world may LOL), but deliberate brush strokes from the Creator's hand.

i wore my new hat to the store yesterday, and..... ohh, the eyes that turned toward me. made me want to run. :(

but i still like my goofy hat. and two people want me to make them one similar to it, so.... c'est la vie. :)


Friday, January 08, 2010

in pain

my stomach is spasming majorly tonight, so thought i'd post a few pertinent scriptures....

2 Cor 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (esv)

Romans 5:3 More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. (esv)

Romans 8:18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. (esv)

Romans 8:28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. (esv)

Phillippians 3:8 Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— 10 that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11 that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. (esv)

ps. how does one spell 'majorly', anyways? :)


harp in my heart


Thursday, January 07, 2010


last night at home group i was a sight. i was so overcome and overwhelmed by God's grace and sovereignty i started weeping. tears of joy and thankfulness and awe.


Monday, January 04, 2010

shattered dreans

one of my birthday gifts (wow, i got gifts! i am so abundantly blessed!!!) was a book called 'shattered dreams' by larry crabb. my pastor gave it to me with this statement (not verbatim): you already have a good hold on this theology, but thought you would appreciate reading it for the little gaps that may get filled. well he was right!!! and there's so much that gives words to what i know but knew not how to express....

a few brief quotes from the book thus far:

"Because He can't resist giving us the highest good, He's determined to give us an encounter with Himself. It's the greatest blessing He can think of." pg 3

"Through the pain of shattered lower dreams, we wake up to the realization that we want an encounter with God more than we want the blessings of life." (emphasis mine) pg. 4

"He uses the pain of shattered dreams to help us discover our desire for God, to help us begin dreaming the highest dream. (...) They are ordained opportunities for the Spirit first to awaken then to satisfy our highest dream." pg 5

that's just the introduction!

then there's an incredible parable of a man in suffering and his struggle with God...

"...It was a dream of actually knowing God and representing Him in an unpleasant world. The dream took on a specific focus; he saw how he could know God and represent God to others in a way that was his way and not someone else's. (...) He realized immediately that his power to speak on behalf of God to others in the midst of their unpleasant lives depended on his speaking from the midst of his own unpleasantness. He had never before felt grateful for his troubles." pgs 12-13

yes, amen!!!!


Sunday, January 03, 2010

what remains

Nothing can stand before God. Nothing. Therefore, anything that remains standing remains thus at the decree of God. therein lies PEACE.


'blameshifting' vs 'magnification'

it's not about shifting from 'blaming God' to 'blaming the enemy', which we so often do.

it's about shifting from 'blaming God' to giving Him both the credit and the glory.

we need to minimize satans role and power, and magnify Gods sovereignty, righteousness, and purpose.

what satan means for evil, God means for good.

so why focus on satan's goal, rather than God's purpose?!

magnify HIM!!!!!!


Saturday, January 02, 2010


i had a brief e-discussion that got me a-thinkin'.... or really, added to a thought-process i've already been thinking through....... and this is a thought from that thinking head o mine:

an unrepentant secret-sin 'believer' (key word: unrepentant), is 'worse' in many ways than an unapologeticly debaucherous heathen (someone not claiming to be anything but a sinner).

i'm talking about two polar extremes here, because i am well aware that all men are guilty before God, and no man can claim righteousness of his own. there are many 'shades of grey' between the two. all is sin.

for example: someone who's openly 'out of the closet' and not claiming to be a Christian of any sort - ie an openly and unapologetically debaucherous heathen, vs. a 'piller' of the Christian community who is secretly and -unrepentantly- committing sodomy. who's being more honest, really? both are sinning against God, but only one admits it.

one is rebellious to God, and is honest about what they are doing (albeit probably in denial that it is sin)....

the other is rebellious to God, misrepresenting themselves before God, others, and probably themselves, too. but they are also deceiving the Bride.

i think that's important, not only because my insensitivity to my own sin is what makes me a hypocrite, and i want to remain aware of my fallen nature, and be continually in repentance... and if i come off as anything but a sin-prone yet blood-washed believer, then i'm really just adding deception to my long list of sins....

...but think about it: God's treasure is His Bride. how much in love with us He is! we are the apple of His eye!!!! He is a jealous God. how.... horrible that must be to Him, when one supposedly walking in holiness and sanctification is deceiving and leading His Bride in that unrepentant state!!!!. that is why He was so much more angry with the hypocritical pharisees than with the sinners, tax collecters, and adulteresses..... empty sepulchres filled with dead mens bones, vs someone who obviously needs to be 'forgiven much'.

Lord, may i forever be a 'sinner who is forgiven much' (and a 'saint' by Christ's righteousness alone, and never my own), rather than a self-deceived, self-righteous hypocrite pretending to be a saint, or one worthy of the title. take me there, and keep me there, O God.

i think open confession of our sinfulness is far to rare. i'm not talking about telling all our dirty secrets to everybody and everyone.... i'm talking about openly and regularly admitting our continual struggle with our sin-nature.... free admission that we are no more righteous than any other believer. we have a culture of not admitting our weakness and frailty, and it does a disservice to God and the gospel.

God, don't start with 'them'.... start with me.

even as i write that, i feel the struggle with pride, of 'admitting my weakness to a bunch of righteous people'. ...even though many of those who i would fear telling are those who would have a sinful self-righteousness.... whereas those who i know are truly aware of being forgiven much - and openly confess that - are those who i know will never judge and thus i would have no fear of admitting anything.... OY!!!!!!!!!

(....thank you, mark, for your initial observation that got this thought ball rolling. it goes to show God uses everything we say and do..... :) )


2010 in 24 hours

harp and bowl was awesome. most people left after the main even at 9, which was fine. they missed out though... it was an opportunity to go from worship into something deeper, and it was grand. pun not intended but apt - i got to play a grand piano!!!! what a gift from God to me. its my dream instrument. the resonance just feels right to the core of my being (i am so *not* a keyboard player!) wow.

debbie b blew a rams horn at midnight. shivers. then we went into 'hosanna'....

... and as we were playing, me on my unexpected dream instrument, i looked up and saw fireworks through the sanctuary windows. WOW.

then we wrapped up and tidied and went over to the other church for more prayer. they also had a grand piano and i promptly went to that.

we spent most of the night in the cozy fireside room, alternately praying and worshipping on our own w/ guitar and a drum (djembe? i don't know) or with some harp and bowl cds to work from.

most people napped at some point in the night, but there was *always* someone awake. (but i finally napped for a few minutes after lunch). in the morning we had another full band time and i unexpectedly spent most of it on the drum instead of the piano. (i'd never really played one before and i gotta get one!!!) was incredible. ministering to an audience of One, with no fear of man, is amazing...

the anointing was there the whole time, too. i felt it hit about 9:30pm (during our sound check) straight through until after 6pm new years day.

a team from kitimat came and led us from 4-6 and it was awesome.

its one of those things you wish everyone was there for. but.... it wasn't what God had planned. i don't know why... but it wasn't. it may have been more for the worshippers and intercessors who were there, a breaking through. i know i felt a lot of freedom i've never felt before in worship. wow.

by afternoon i was stumbling a bit and saying stupid things LOL, like 'man, i'm sleep depraved!'. i fell over in the last part of worship cuz i was dancing too hard for being so tired! then we helped clean up and i didn't get home till amost 7:30, i got ready for bed and did a few things i *had* to do, then conked out for the next 14 hours.

today i'm taking it easy and fighting off a cranky, persistent headache (surprise, suprise? :)....
and marvelling at the goodness of God.
just marvelling..... wow.


Outcast, Adopted.

THIS BLOG IS IN NEED OF AN OVERHAUL. there are posts from years back i would not be able to post in good conscience now. i plan to overhaul the blog, and either delete or add a disclaimer to those posts. but that is gonna take time....

The Radical Summons: "
Therefore let us go to Him outside the camp and bear the reproach He endured. For here we have no lasting city, but we seek the city that is to come." Hebrews 13:13.

"The Spirit never loosens where the Word binds; the Spirit never justifies where the Word condemns; the Spirit never approves where the Word disapproves; the Spirit never blesses where the Word curses." —Thomas Brooks

‎"God receives none but those who are forsaken, restores health to none but those who are sick, gives sight to none but the blind, and life to none but the dead. He does not give saintliness to any but sinners, nor wisdom to any but fools. In short: He has mercy on none but the wretched and gives grace to none but those who are in disgrace. Therefore no arrogant saint, or just or wise man can be material for God, neither can he do the work of God, but he remains confined within his own work and makes of himself a fictitious, ostensible, false, and deceitful saint, that is, a hypocrite." --Martin Luther (W.A. 1.183ff)

i will not let You go: "Jacob's sense of his total debility and utter defeat is now the secret of his power with his friendly Vanquisher. God can overthrow all the prowess of the self-reliant, but He cannot resist the earnest entreaty of the helpless." --Albert Barnes

i will not let You go: "Jacob's determination did not flow from his strength, it flowed from his weakness." --Charles Leiter