Sunday, September 28, 2008


to move or not to move

ah yes, bleh.

(as an aside, i wonder if i write too much in this blog and thus cause anything i write that is of note or value to be buried in a landslide of words???)


basically, i cannot afford to live here, pay the bills, and eat. one or more would have to go.

car's done for now, already taken out of the equation.

(how was i managing? with a little help from the uncle ie. mom's estate... but i'm not going to put up with the demeaning bullshit anymore...)

i love where i am, i love my neighbors, it's well kept inside (no mold), it's all good.

at the same time i struggle with basic housework, life organization, and get utterly overwhelmed by everything to the point of non-functioning.... and i want to bail, have a bonfire somewhere and burn all my personal/historical stuff, get rid of everything else, and live out of a suitcase in some room somewhere. or a tent (i have a pretty warm sleeping bag!).

i'm not kidding, or exaggerating.

perhaps this is too transparent to say (or depressing) but i don't even want to be here anymore. i mean here - on earth.
2Cr 5:6-8
So we are always confident, knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord. For we walk by faith, not by sight. We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord.
i'm tired.

so how the hell can i even think about moving?! ...but then how the heck am i going to live if i don't? i just can't deal with this.

i am weak, Lord. be my strength. i have none. and i can't find Yours. :'(

csi creepiness

so, it looks like they are shooting an episode of CSI just around the corner and down the street....

only there's no cameras, no lights, and no directors to say 'action'....

and its the RCMP, not vegas, or miami, or nyc police people....

there's all those little numbered evidence tag thingys, and people in white suits, too.

i hope it's not what it looks like. =(


it was - the news.

hmm, yes, lovely

came darn close to blacking out last night (after going to the loo), majorly painful cramping, hands got cold and white, darkness and flashes of light were closing in on my vision.....

crawled to the phone, and called an ambulance, then my dear friend mickie... waited a few minutes on the cool linoleum.... the paramedics took my blood pressure, sat me up.... i managed to walk to the amby (i guess that means i was ambulatory by then, lol) and got a nice ride 2 blocks to emerg.

saw the doc, he poked around my belly and listened to my gurgling gut, then sent me home.

he said it was just (albeit he acknowledged it was a scared-the-hell-outta-me 'just') .... gas cramps.

i think they were chuckling when i left.

needless to say, i was - and still am - not so amused....

i thought i was gonna die!

Saturday, September 27, 2008

a better day today

not in tip top shape, but in some semblance of sanity again.

took it easy today. watched a movie and ate lunch with machoo, then hung out with danie and kidlets for much of the day, watched movies and ate pizza, then machoo picked me up again and walked me home. which i muchly appreciated, being 10 pm on a saturday night, welfare weekend to boot!

it strikes me how when one is most out of it, it is hardest to connect with people. i know when i'm like that it is *sooo* hard to communicate, so i don't (or can't)..... and i guess others don't really know what to say or do, so they don't.

but for those who rallied around me this week, i sank yous.... *grateful tears*

the voice of truth

Friday, September 26, 2008

cannot explain it

but i've had a bad day.

a very bad day.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

...and the day is only half over...

i get up at 7 to walk at 8 to my appointment at 9.

i'm walking down the sidewalk, and there's a kitten (3-4 months?) just lying there like it's napping away... but i realized it was dead. eyes open, not moving, no response when i whistled, ground wet under it's head.

i have a hell of an appointment.

on way back, i go past where the kitten was, its not there, but there were about a dozen crows milling around, probably caught a smell lingering....

go shopping and browse for the next 3 hours.

say hi to the folk at neo.

force myself to eat something at mcd's.

head for home.

stop in at ss and lay on the lawn watching machoo wash windows (best part of my day so far - peaceful).

come home to a messy house i can't deal with, and budget papers to look at.

bury my nose in the comp.

and now, going for a nap.

..... if i can sleep.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

ashes to ashes

everything i do
is still wrapped up in you -
your hopes - your dreams - your fears -
Life According To You.

living day to day,
its you who's paved my way -
your goals for me control me,
- it's for freedom i am free! -
but your
- glue -
it never leaves me,
my companion every day -
it never leaves me free
- it's for freedom i am free! -
to be just me,
little ol' me,
me in Jesus' way.

these ropes around my ankles,
were a gift to me, from you -
wrapped around, with knotted bow,
and tied in place by you -
and always and forever,
to be denied by you .

you tell me, oh just do it,
you say i have the skills!
- there's no reason i can't do it,
- if i only just believe -
- just set my mind to do it...
- and surely i'll succeed.

i try, i trip, i fall, i fail,
tangled in these ropes -
- but it's my very own fault,
- because, i'm sure you see,
- i didn't try quite hard enough,
- i didn't 'just believe'.

my grieving is a rending wail,
yet you tell me what to feel...

don't i bother crying
tears do me no good
- no one else will help me -
- for everyone's my enemy -
only you believe in me
you only want the best for me
- there's no rope around my ankles -
- what am i talking about! -
you only want the best for me
your love for me is pure, you see
- when the time comes i will be more than able -
- to live, wash dishes, or set the table -
don't worry about it for now
you'll do it for me, again
- i'll figure it out on my own
- when i have to, later, then.

......."how could you be mad at her?
......."think of all she's done for you,
......."think of how she's taken care of you,
......."how even now she's providing for you..."

so again i get up, and try to live,
your standards and goals hanging over my head -
i must live - right now - i must live - today -
independent - all alone - it must be this way.

i run, i trip, i fall, i wail,
my imaginary ropes around my ankles-
- every moment that i live
- i'm still wrapped up in you
- you tell me how to live and think
- and how to be like you.

it's true, each moment,
you are in my head -
you've succeeded there,
and you're proud, i'll bet!
but guess what, you're not my god -
you're just the jones' in my head!
so shut your rotten mouth -
and shove your rules of lead -
cuz ashes to ashes -
dust to dust -
you - are - friggin' - dead!


me - 9/24/08
(1st draft, anyhoo)

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

the heartrending story of the lolrus

i love how this has come about on ichc..... starting from one lol pic and morphing on it's own over time into a saga that still goes on to this day.... i would say that is a good example of the larger definition of a meme.

here it is, the *must read* of the season: Teh story of teh lolrus who haz lost his Bukkit


speaking of memes.....

today's ten thoughts.

1. i smell woodsmoke in the air, more and more. bah humbug.

2. i had an interesting 1st half of cell tonight. 'nuf said.

3. the car is parked, lack of money - at the moment, anyhoo - to reinsure.

4. the car has some gas problems, too... will have to get its bowels checked out, eventually.

5. there are people laughing loudly outside, sound traveling well in the cool air. bah humbug.

6. i have too much laundry, too many dishes, and not enough oomph.

7. ...*must* i'm feeling the lack of it, in kinks all over. owies.

8. i'm missing a special friend who's gone awol.... where are ya, hun?

9. best home group in the history of the world... but where was everybody? wazzup wit dat?

10. i feel old - even though i was mistaken for a teenager this summer.... 19, going on 35?

welcome, tim

TimW has entered through the gates of Bloglandia!

'bout time, too.

who ate me wee spezshel frenz ?

blogger did. my whole list of blogs i love to read has vaporized. why??????????????

SO...... moving past this *atrocious* anomoly....

if you was on my list (or you wasn't) and are not back on it yet (and want to be), comment, ok? (i may have trouble finding everybody as that was my only list....)


update: i tried putting a bunch in, and they disappeared again. bah humbug. must be a blogspot glitch. will try again later.


update #2 - they're back! they're back! i'm confused.... but i'm happy!

so it's the new list, so again, if you aren't on it and want to be, comment.

Monday, September 22, 2008

its that time of year

starting to get cool, especially at night... not wanting to use the gas fireplace... gonna plug in my oil heater soon and try to save on the gas bill. i'd disconnect gas entirely except i *think* it might have something to do with having hot water, too. cold showers do not appeal.

i was talking with a friend about how to stay warm at night in a cold room... came up with hot stones (no hot water bottles for me, the rubber usually stinks), wearing socks, and wearing a toque. a toque especially works for me, i guess cuz we lose most of our body head through our head. ...the blood flow fueling up the brain for a night of crazy pizza dreaming, maybe...?

my favorite time of year. heat is something that actually draws me in, instead of making me run to the freezer section... leaves pretty, breezes in the treezes, weather constantly changing.

the only cramps in my fall style are the building up of mouldering leaves, having to close the windows more, wood smoke in the air... all not so great for my asthma.

i'm bored. now you can be, too!

via tams.

1) Favorite object in your room?
what am i a teenager? how bout in my house? .... right now, the laptop. :D but lets see.... the piano ranks right up there too.

2) Have you ever smoked heroin?

3) Do you own guns?
no.... i may have a water gun in my shed, tho

4) What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?
ain't the hedgehog grape flavored?

5) Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
not usually. unless its one of THOSE.....

6) What do you think of hot dogs?
full of msg and nitrates

7) Favorite song?
currently, the wind by joel kroeker

8) What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
coffee... with whole milk and demerara sugar.

9) Can you do push ups?
i could do girlie ones when i was in ball... but not right now.

10) Can you do a chin up?

11) What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
2 - my silver flower ring i got when i went for some counselling down south... and my promise ring! :D

12) Do you like blue cheese?
i prefer white, extra aged cheddar.

13) Ever been in a car wreck?

16) Middle name?
its my

17) Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment...
stomach an empty pit but food is uck, jean jacket over jammies is stylin', and my head aches.

18) Name 3 things you bought yesterday?

19) Name 3 drinks you regularly drink?
not including water, water, water.... my coffee, milk with roses' grenadine, club soda.

20) Current worry?
bills, budget.

21) Current hate right now?
flirts who flirt with someone they shouldn't flirt with.

23) How did you bring in the New Year?
i don't

24) Where would you like to be right now?
very close, actually.... heaven.

25) Name three people who will complete this?
uh, i don't know who will, i know who i'd like to but none of them blog!

26) Do you own slippers?

27) What shorts are you wearing??
granny panties, thank you veddy much.

28) Do you sleep on satin sheets?
ewwww.... tried that once - sweaty, you slide out of bed, and the covers slide onto the floor. why the heck were they ever invented, anyways?

29) Can you whistle?
yup, the regular way, and through my teeth.

31) Would you be a pirate?
arrrgh, matey, if it were being true to who God made me, you bet!

32) What songs do you sing in the shower?
lately, opera... una voce poco fa, der holle rache, owa tagoo siam.....

33) Favorite girl's name?

34) Favorite boy's name?
forget, 2.0. there was one in genesis that means 'happy' that i liked but i forget what it was, lol!

35) What's in your POCKET?
denim lint.

36) Last thing that made you laugh?

37) Best bed sheets?
100% cotton - jersey, flannel, egyptian cotton, i'll take it!

38) Worst injury you've ever had?
torn ligament in my ankle.

39) Do you love where you live?

40) How many TVs do you have in your house?
one. last turned on about three weeks ago.

41) Who is your loudest friend?

42) How many dogs do you have?

43) Does someone have a crush on you?

44) What does your last text say?
uh.... i forget.

45) What is your favorite book?
anything not grammar or ecology.

46) What is your favorite candy?
chocolate covered coffee beans, or black licorice (the real stuff) - goodies!

47) Favorite Sports Team?
can i not have one, please?

48) Where is the next place you want to travel to?
gtt in nanaimo (or is it victoria again?)....

49) Can you stand on your head?
only when i invent a no.49 for this quiz, and only in my head.

50) What was the first thing you did this morning?

Saturday, September 20, 2008

oh, what bad manners!

these animations of hoops & yoyo teaching good manners and bad manners are HILARIOUS!

watch them, or be an old fart!

hoops & yoyo - manners

is there anybody out there?

does anybody care?

(...ha, yes, i know, i know, lots of people care, it just seemed natural to follow the title of this entry! burlap to cashmere, i think?....)


i know a lot of what i share here is personal wrangling with my thoughts, and evidences my struggles maybe more than my maybe it's depressing as hell for some people....

....but i do love comments. sometimes i feel so alone, and coming online to find a comment that needs to be moderated makes for happies!!!!

is good for me to feel loved right now - don't be shy, folks!!!!


(btw it was burlap.... one of my favorite bands eva!!! and one of my favorite songs, which is why it seemed so natural up top of this post, lol!)

Friday, September 19, 2008

power is changing hands

"Reaching Out" is a 10'x30' bronze healing Monument to child abuse victims and survivors. The Monument was sculpted by Michael C. Irving, Ph.D. in collaboration with hundreds of survivors and their supporters. The Website is filled with the story of the Monument, lots of support for survivors and information about child abuse.

high quality version of this BEAUTIFUL video (and song) available at you tube.

success vs. failure

dropping english... is it:

FAILURE? or is it having tried something new, and simply not succeeded?

QUITTING? or is it accepting it is just not the right thing at the right time?

GIVING UP? or is it exercising one's stewardship over their mental health?

NOT MEETING EXPECTATIONS? or is it that i actually considered *my* feelings and what *i* need, before God, instead of pleasing other people?

DROPPING OUT? or that i am (and should be) secure in who i am in Christ, and not defining myself by a piece of paper (or lack thereof)?

WEAKNESS? or is it actually bravery, that i do what *i* need to instead of buckling to opposition? (and there *has* been some...)

lets see...

...trying something new, timing, stewardship, self-care, identification in Christ, and bravery....

...i'd call all that...


Thursday, September 18, 2008

anglaise malaise

not worth the emotional toll.

head space alive

the last few days my head has not been in the best of places.

its on a busy downtown street with a crush of people, too crowded to move, too loud to think.

its staring out a window, mesmerized by the fuzzy dandelions wafting in the september breeze.

its looking at the gunk in my sink and wondering how it got there.

its overdosin on cheezeburgers.

its fretting, and not on a guitar.

its wanting to take a vacation from having to think, look, see, process.

its alive, mwhahahahahaha.......

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

lynnie vs the giant

well, this is how i'm feeling about grammar right now:

...and this is how i'm feeling about taking this english class, in general:

(ain't anthropomorphizing great?)

i don't know what my hangup with doing my homework is, other than that my head is too busy as it is. why did i think my brain could tackle another 'piece of cake' on my plate? it's anything but.

i tell my self, i am allowed to fail. but am i fearing failure anyway?

i struggle when i don't understand something fully. i feel lost, like i want to understand but can't get it into the brain, so i'm working with my best guess and then not understanding why it's wrong.

(oh, them damned-to-the-north-pole clauses....)

sometimes i wonder if there is not a comprehension disability, because i had trouble with this as a kid too. (can't blame it on the meds, then!) ..... in one ear, out the other, nothing sticking.

but i'm going to try and stick it out, and not quit. because.... i am allowed to fail.

i am allowed to get a C- or a P or even an F.

just keep going. that in itself is success.


i think i learn a lot simply through osmosis, so here's to hoping it will eventually 'stick'....

The Wind - Joel Kroeker

while browsing you tube i ran across this, and i was just for some strange reason drawn to watch it (duh!)..... and as it turns out, it's an awesome song.

the people fading in and out makes me think of the uncertainty (at least to us!) of the future and all the what-if's in life....

...y'know, a bus tomorrow, anyone?

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

she ain't pretty

i've been thinking a lot about how a beautiful person can be ugly, and an ugly person can be beautiful.

it's all the heart.

so, one person is beautiful outside, yet when you know them they are not so nice.

another person is not so pretty on the outside but they are beautiful from the inside.

..... but what about when you see both in the same person?


i am reminded of an old song.... one of mom's faves back in the day.


allowed to be

sometimes there is so much unspoken condemnation of just being where one is at.

"God loves us as we are, BUT He loves us too much to leave us as we are."

this is true, and i don't disagree with it at all.... BUT.

any sentence (clause, phrase) followed by BUT has some kind of negation to it (at least in the english language, lol).

the silent implication, at least to my mind, is that while He loves me where i am at, i am not enough - i need to be fixed - and then what? His love will be more? truer? better?.....

you know what? God loves us 100% now, where we are at - and He is not witholding anything, waiting for the day we are changed and are fixed and are all better - before He will REALLY love us, because guess what, then we will be more deserving of it? huh?

something screwy with that train of thought, eh? that 'works' mentality creeps in any crack it can find. ( demonstrates how the english language can be soooooo open to interpretation.... and thus can bring either blessing or cursing into our lives, or others, if we don't vet what we are reading/saying/believing constantly and with discernment........)

and i gotta say, when a teenie weenie crack opens up to condemnation, *i* need to address it right away. even if it means walking out on people or a meeting and going and being by myself... and then talking to myself and speaking to myself with truth.

needless to say, i talk to myself a *lot*, lol.

going back to the main thrust of my argument (gee, i sound like i'm in school!), God loves me where i am at, with no expectation of my improvement (which would enable Him to love me better), because, guess what, He does not despise His captive people.

i am allowed to BE captive. to BE sad. to BE discouraged. to BE fallable. because if that's where i am at any given time, that's just where i'm at, and that's fine.

nobody please get on my back with "but He doesn't want you stay there".... i know that. i know His aim is to grow me and heal me. but being where i am at right now, is where i am at right now, God is sovereign, He ordained this time in my life, and it is OK. it's OK!

i am not somehow bad because i am not perfect yet, hello. that's a big DUH in my book, so much a duh that it almost goes without saying..... but in saying "God loves us the way we are, BUT He loves us too much to leave us the way we are" we leave open a crack for condemnation that where we are is just not good enough.

in and of itself, of course it's not good enough! i've fallen short in everything! i am in a fallen state, and that in and of itself is not a great thing!.....

....except that Jesus redeemed me, purchased me as His treasured possession, and, if you will, took me home with Him, just as i am. in His love for me, i was enough... i am enough... for Him to pay the price for me.

He is the one who places value on me, and in His eyes, i am enough. i am who i am at this current moment because God loves me, and is taking me on the lifelong path of sanctification and healing, and where i am at IS enough. .... if it wasn't enough, God could perfect me instantly. but like mike said on sunday (or was it at prayer?) - if God dealt with everything in our lives that needs to be dealt with ALL AT ONCE, we would go insane! (i think i am there already, tho!)

but God chooses to spare us that. He is gentle with us, just as we are. where i am at is OK with Him. it may or may not be, in the future, the same place i am at right now, but right now it is where i am at, and that's OK. He's allowed me to be at this place at this time in this state.... so what does that mean?....

.....if this is the state/place/condition/person that He has currently allowed for me to be, what does that mean?....

it means that i am ok, that i am not a bad thing....

....that i don't have to apologize for being me....

....that i am allowed to be.

Monday, September 15, 2008

my melancholy baby

in the grocery store today, this song popped into my head.... came home, googled the tube, and found this spaztic version, cool!

i am speechless

yes, it is an electric uke...

three things i dig

.... all in one video!

-the song
-the crochet (hat)
-the uke!!!!

Saturday, September 13, 2008

just one more fix

... can't get enough!!!!

montsy makes me shiver!

listening to the flower song last night got me craving some more opera, so i looked up my all time favorite singer, Montserrat Caballe, and found this beaut of one of my favorite songs she does..... *happy sighs*

seriously, you want to hear something amazingly beautiful? listen, quietly and undistracted, to this whole video. unbestinkin beautiful!!!!

walking flower song

i went for a walk from home to the kenney copperside and back again. took me just over an hour..... i just needed a long walk, headed out randomly.

the whole time i was singing this song...

one of my all time favorite opera songs....

my dream 15 years ago was to be an opera singer..... *sniffles*

Friday, September 12, 2008


my landlord just let me know that in february 09 my rent will go up $50.

interesting, considering.....

Allowable Rent Increases for 2009
September 2, 2008

Conventional Residential Tenancies:

* For a conventional residential tenancy rent increase that takes effect in 2009, the allowable increase is 3.7 per cent.
* The annual allowable rent increase for conventional residential tenancies is determined by the formula in the Residential Tenancy Regulation.

from BC Gov. tenancy pages

... that allows only a $22.20 increase (unless i am calculating it wrong).

do i want to dispute it? not really.


i already feel like living here is a blessing that is "above my means".... so now what?


aaaaahh...... sockies!

you know that feeling you get when buying new socks is not so much of a luxury as it is a necessity.... and then you get them?

aaaaahh..... sockies!

i think they feel all the more luxurious for their very necessity... simple appreciation....

... why do i feel so guilty for spending money on new socks????

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

grammatically procrastinating

i've procrastinated this week entirely too much. here it is, wednesday (i think) and i'm barely into my homework that is due friday. arrgh!!!

why is it so hard to sit down and read a text in such a way that i absorb what i'm reading? maybe i have some kind of helmet on that bounces new information away from my brain.... cuz it sure feels like it bounces, and bounces, and bounces.

...webmaster notification - your email was undeliverable to the address due to this account being over it's allowable limit.....

it helped to think, "i do not have to do this"... ie, do i have to be in this class? nope. did i want to try it out? yup. am i allowed to fail? you bet. do i like grammar? yes! so do i *want* to do this homework? ah.... yes i do... indeed!

so Lord, help me focus.... i know i will succeed if it is part of your plan, and i will only fail if it is part of your plan... i rely on You, not myself and my own abilities!!!

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

spiritual strabismus

...i am!....

....really, i am!.....

stra~bis'~mus n. a deviation from normal orientation of one or both eyes so that both cannot be directed at the same object at the same time; squint; crossed eyes. (Random House Websters College Dictionary, 1991)

i had this thought a while back - idolatry is basically spiritual strabismus.

where our 'normal orientation' as Christians should be on one Person only, we tend to have only one eye on Him, and the other on the world.

all to often we lack the ability - or the drive - to focus our spiritual eyes clearly on the only thing that *clearly* matters - Jesus.

Lord, may my eyes be focused - singly - on You, and You alone....

Sunday, September 07, 2008


something i've been thinking about for a while now...

Groupthink is a type of thought exhibited by group members who try to minimize conflict and reach consensus without critically testing, analyzing, and evaluating ideas. During groupthink, members of the group avoid promoting viewpoints outside the comfort zone of consensus thinking. A variety of motives for this may exist such as a desire to avoid being seen as foolish, or a desire to avoid embarrassing or angering other members of the group. Groupthink may cause groups to make hasty, irrational decisions, where individual doubts are set aside, for fear of upsetting the group’s balance. The term is frequently used pejoratively, with hindsight.

Symptoms of groupthink

In order to make groupthink testable, Irving Janis devised eight symptoms that are indicative of groupthink (1977).

  1. Illusions of invulnerability creating excessive optimism and encouraging risk taking.
  2. Rationalising warnings that might challenge the group's assumptions.
  3. Unquestioned belief in the morality of the group, causing members to ignore the consequences of their actions.
  4. Stereotyping those who are opposed to the group as weak, evil, disfigured, impotent, or stupid.
  5. Direct pressure to conform placed on any member who questions the group, couched in terms of "disloyalty".
  6. Self censorship of ideas that deviate from the apparent group consensus.
  7. Illusions of unanimity among group members, silence is viewed as agreement.
  8. Mindguards — self-appointed members who shield the group from dissenting information.
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

... why have i been thinking about this? i dunno. i guess i think there is some of this in my life - in my head - in my upbringing.

more garbage in my head i need to deal with.

but as always, it needs to be dealt with *not* through some kind of sword wielding 'power encounter' - i cast out this demon and that lie and rebuke rebuke rebuke - repeat ad nauseum -- but with God's gentle revelation via a 'truth encounter'.

God is not a big meanie. He's not holding a stick over my head in case i mess up. He allows me to bring to Him doubts and questions and areas i may even be in rebellion to Him - and ask Him "why?"... i am allowed - by Him - to not understand, to disagree with the status quo, to have a brain. after all, He made it! and brains are by their very structural nature convoluted, lol.

God doesn't tell me to get my act together, to grow up, to 'get it' and darn it, 'get it' NOW!.... He sets the speed of my growth, my understanding, and my abilities to walk in the Spirit or do what needs to be done in my life in this worldly world.... i live by Him, i stand by Him, and i fall by Him..... and i get up again by Him.

i am so sick of all this 'pray it away' nonsense that floats around Christendom.... that puts our destiny squarely in our lap ("if you just search yourself hard enough you'll figure out that thing of which you need to repent that is the root cause of....") and therefore laying a very real yoke on *our* shoulders....

...instead placing our destiny where it belongs, in God's lap/mind/Word, where He had it even before the very foundations of this world - and the cross on which He bore the effects - the yoke, the wages - of our sin!

i no longer believe that the stuff that happens in our minds/hearts/lives are directly a cause and effect equation resulting from our every action and thought. i was stuck in that rut for far too long.... and damn it, it was for FREEDOM He set me free!!!!!! not to go around in endless circles trying to figure out just what the heck i need to do to 'fix' things...!

if we have to live a futile life of trying to balance cause and effect in every thought, action and deed, knowing that if we fail in purity (duh) then the consequences are ours to live with, too bad, so sad.... then why did Jesus go to the cross? why did He bear our infirmities and stripes? it makes what He did mean *nothing*.

and i don't know about everybody else, but i don't have enough self control to control every thought and action down some channel of perfection.... i think self-control is a fruit of the Spirit because it is not, will not, and never can be a fruit of the human psyche.

paul said it best -
O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?
I thank God--through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin.
THERE is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.
For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death.
For what the law could not do in that it was weak through the flesh, God did by sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, on account of sin: He condemned sin in the flesh,
that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.
Rom 7:24 - 8:4
i think satan gets a case of the happys when we give our flesh nature more credit for cause and effect than the One who's really in control - the Sovereign King... Christ in us, the hope of glory.

so, going back to groupthink, here is my revised list of things that are allowed:
  1. to be vulnerable, discouraged, and wary (gasp!);
  2. to challenge mine and others' assumptions, and accept - and not look down on - challenges brought bythose from outside of my 'circle' so to speak;
  3. to question mine and others' morality, and if it so arises, say, "that was/is wrong";
  4. to *not* stereotype 'outsiders' as being necessarily evil or bad because they come from the 'outside';
  5. to not feel pressure to conform, and if i don't conform, to realize it sure as heck doesn't automatically mean that i am being rebellious or disloyal!;
  6. to accept as valid - and explore - other ideas that are not part of the current consensus - right or wrong. again, a brain is for thinking, not stuffing in a box;
  7. to have a differing opinion, and exercise the freedom to not stay silent because of some fear of being rejected;
  8. to play "devil's advocate" (bad name!), that is, to discourse from the other perspective - whether i agree with it or not - and challenge the status quo. it just may shake out some silt that is not from God, and strengthen the foundation of what is of God.

......ok, enough thinking for tonight.

Come, Holy Spirit - Among Thorns

Friday, September 05, 2008

Thursday, September 04, 2008

today, i...

...massively simplified my blog. (for something so 'simple' it took quite a while!)

...found some nice school shoes that actually fit my sized 10w/11 duck feet! (quack, quack.) a new pair of pants for my shrinking bod. (still need to find a brown/black leather belt, tho... a lot of my pants want to just slide on off... lol!)

...did a lot of laundry, including my bedding, my quilt, and my new thermal blanket! ($25 at wally world, can't even come close to that for a double/queen at sears! yay God!) released from having to do something that was, unfortunately, stressing me out. (the coffeehouse.) excited about school starting tomorrow - english 101, introduction to composition. yes, it is a first-year university level course. (i don't know why, but a lot of people's eyes have been getting big and wow-y when they realize that...)

...ate a yummy salmon dinner at danie's house! (ooooh, yum - it definately ain't your cookin', dahlink!) going to bed early. (g'nite.)

i will trust You, Lord

i know that i know that i know
that i asked for only Your heart--

nothing from within me-
my hopes or desires-
but only Your heart.

nothing from outside me-
the world or the enemy-
but only Your heart.

nothing from inside me-
flesh or rebellion-
but only Your heart.

nothing from outside me-
lies or distraction-
but only Your heart.

i know that i know that i know
that i asked You to filter out these things
and give me ONLY Your heart--

so i will trust that You gave me

Your heart-
and not a lie.

a loaf of bread-
and not a stone.

a fish-
and not a serpent.

an egg-
and not a scorpion.

Your Spirit-
and no principality or power other than You.

for if i cannot trust Your Word-
if i cannot trust Your sovereignty-
if i cannot trust Your mercy and grace-


i cannot trust You.

--but i have to trust You.
--life is nothing without You.
--i am nothing without You.
--nothing is worth believing except You.

so i WILL believe You--

believe in Your Word-
believe in Your sovereignty-
and believe in Your mercy and grace.

and i WILL NOT believe--

the doubts of the enemy-
that You heart is not true.

the lies of the enemy-
that he can beat You.

the arrogance of the enemy-
that he can fool even You.

the doubts of the enemy-
that i can't trust You.

i will trust You, Lord--
You, and You alone.

Outcast, Adopted.

THIS BLOG IS IN NEED OF AN OVERHAUL. there are posts from years back i would not be able to post in good conscience now. i plan to overhaul the blog, and either delete or add a disclaimer to those posts. but that is gonna take time....

The Radical Summons: "
Therefore let us go to Him outside the camp and bear the reproach He endured. For here we have no lasting city, but we seek the city that is to come." Hebrews 13:13.

"The Spirit never loosens where the Word binds; the Spirit never justifies where the Word condemns; the Spirit never approves where the Word disapproves; the Spirit never blesses where the Word curses." —Thomas Brooks

‎"God receives none but those who are forsaken, restores health to none but those who are sick, gives sight to none but the blind, and life to none but the dead. He does not give saintliness to any but sinners, nor wisdom to any but fools. In short: He has mercy on none but the wretched and gives grace to none but those who are in disgrace. Therefore no arrogant saint, or just or wise man can be material for God, neither can he do the work of God, but he remains confined within his own work and makes of himself a fictitious, ostensible, false, and deceitful saint, that is, a hypocrite." --Martin Luther (W.A. 1.183ff)

i will not let You go: "Jacob's sense of his total debility and utter defeat is now the secret of his power with his friendly Vanquisher. God can overthrow all the prowess of the self-reliant, but He cannot resist the earnest entreaty of the helpless." --Albert Barnes

i will not let You go: "Jacob's determination did not flow from his strength, it flowed from his weakness." --Charles Leiter