Thursday, May 28, 2009



fried sourdough

fried er up in my cast iron pan:

sourdough, smells so good...

and yes, it's really bread... not a pancake, or goo blob...

could make nice sandwiches with them if i cut them up the center....

how i did it:

mixed enough flour to my starter to make it gooey and thick. let it rise. (actually, i neglected it for a couple days and it rose in that time, lol.)

heated up my cast iron, about med-low, with some oil.

plunked in gobs. put on a lid. and let it fry until it's not goey on top anymore (or almost no goo left on top), then flip. (if it starts to turn black or burn before it's almost cooked through, the heats too hot.)

fry the other side dark toasy brown goodness, put on a plate and let cool until cool enough to eat.

store at room temp or in the fridge, yummy as snacks any time of the day.

these were made with whole wheat flour, and i feed my starter milk, not water, so it's fairly nutritious and very filling. great snack to take on a bike ride, i've found. :D

***don't burn yer fingers, like i did today, picking up my pan lid! O_o


Tuesday, May 26, 2009

amazing rain!!!!

went for a two-to-three hour walk in the rain with matthew. stayed under the umbrella most of the time, but let myself get totally soaked on the way home.... it was AWESOME!!!! God's majesty, beauty, and glory displayed for all to see!!!!! the sun in the sundrops was amazing, and there were rainbows everywhere!!!! loved it!!!!

can u tell i'm soaked? :D

fresh and rosy from the walk.... and bare feet in crocs in the rain ROCK.... i think i was born to be a hiker, lol :D

i gotta get drenched more often!!!! :D


meet Mr. Lumpy!

my new baby. (i guess it's a 'boy', lol).... first loaf i've baked in a few weeks. looks kinda lumpy, but eh, that's what home baking is about - not perfection, but ART!!!!! lol... i should call him Mr. Mosaic then, eh? lol.

got some peeps i still wanna pass bread on to, but not this loaf. ...this is what happens when you have an abundance of sourdough starter and haven't been baking enough to keep up.... you toss in some whole wheat flour, mix it up quick and haphazardly, let it rise overnight in the oven (heat from the lightbulb only), the unbaked crust gets.... crusty... from the dry low heat, and then when ya form it into a loaf, you break it up, lol, and throw it directly back into the (cold...well, semi-cold in this case) oven and set it to 350 for 45 minutes..... and it is what it is... food!!!!!

looks different, but... i think it still looks yummy!!! :D

now, if only i wasn't out of cream cheese!!!!

i love baking bread. :)

[and i'm not going to wash my pans anymore.... someone told me a baker told them not to wash their pans, they get seasoned up, much like a cast iron pan, i guess. so a wipe-clean, and that's it!!!! :D ]

hopefully later on today (...maybe...) i'll get round to baking another 2 to 4 or maybe even 6 loaves... i half fed/half prepped the rest of my room temp starter (i'm a mad sourdough experimentationalist, what can i say!) last night before bed... so now, i have this to deal with:

can u say, 'OVER-FLOW'....? lol



me, a meshpoint?



Sunday, May 24, 2009

a foot in two worlds

to preface this, i am talking about believers. [ie not all non- or un- churched are un-believers, and not all who aren't currently involved in a church are not there because they are avoiding truth, and buried in sin, ok?]

i sometimes feel like i have a foot in two worlds.

i have my circle of friends *in* the church.... and i have my friends who are not *in* the church - mostly mentally ill.

oftimes it seems the goal is to get the mentally ill believers to come to church, then everything will be *a ok*. as tho..... *then* they'll get better... or *then* the problem is solved.

except it doesn't work that way.

sometimes they can't go to church because of the sheer volume of people - really triggers symptoms. can do that person in emotionally, as well as physically, for days.

sometimes they are extremely socially awkward. and well, when you feel awkward, others feel awkward, and awkwardly have a brief halloo, then awkwardly walk away. (this would be me.)

sometimes a person has a non-socially acceptable behavior that they cannot control, and people hold them at arms length 'until they get that under control'. i have to be very careful a lot of times to *not* instinctively bawl my friends out for saying something totally inappropriate, they can't help it, it's the nature of their illness, and withdrawing my love because of it doesn't help them one bit in growing their relationship with Christ.

my *home* is in the church. but, in a lot of ways, i relate better to the mentally ill. i am one of them. so i comprehend and have compassion for things most people don't have a clue about, and also feel most accepted and understood by my mentally ill friends much of the time, especially when i'm struggling. (it's a beautiful, rare soul that can comprehend it when they haven't been there themselves.... but these gifts from God... they are definately around! ;) )

what my heart cries out for is for these two worlds to mesh. where the mentally ill person can not come to church, or is free to stand up and sit as their twitching muscles demand (an extremely uncomfortable side-effect of medications), and not expect them to *sit still* and *behave*.

the *us and them* mentality breaks my heart. i know mentally ill people who are more grounded and stable in their faith than some people who are in church... and yet, the mentally ill one not attending church is somehow automatically considered to be *lesser* in their faith somehow.

we can say, *come as you are*, but when the reality is that you get the message that if you can't conform to the cultural norms of church, then really, should you be there..... how truthful is *come as you are*?

i have been in this church for 10 years, and struggle with being 'normal' and fitting in best i can. it is *hard*. and i am relatively "high-functioning". how much harder is it for those who are less-functionable?

i think and see and feel differently from most people. but with similarities to most of my mentally ill friends. i understand them. they understand me. and i think to most people it's a foreign language... or like we are from another planet, even, sometimes.

but please understand this: this church is AWESOME with accepting people as they are... even mentally ill people. (i think many churches fail miserably at this.) but i see that we can go SO MUCH FARTHER....

functioning people who have always functioned well have a hard time understanding what life is like for a person for whom basic day to day functioning is difficult... i can understand that. but to say, 'i don't get them' is basically proving that one has not gotten in the other person's shoes enough to relate to them. without relating, where's the relationship? there is none.

leprosy... i know in the bible it's a metaphor for sin. but it's also a metaphor for those who feel outcast for various reasons. i feel like going and starting a church for this kind of leper.... which is unfortunate. because there should be no separation.

in this area, it's not so much the leper that need's healing... it's the rest of us... who are lacking in grace and compassion.

when the emphasis is on excellence and big 'capacity' believers (i HATE that term), the rest of us just feel.... outside.


Saturday, May 23, 2009


an amazing landscape...!!! best viewed fullscreen. Hi Def.

Dartmoor from James Watson on Vimeo.


Thursday, May 21, 2009

love this kitty...

from here. check out their other creations. gives me the urge to collect stuff... O_o


Wednesday, May 20, 2009

a day fulla blessins

first off, this morning a friend came over to go for a walk and would up helpin' me clean house. well, she cleaned house and i roamed around stunned and ineffective. *sighs* - but i'm learning, i'm growing! ....thanks, darlin'... :)

and tonight, on my way home from home group, i got blessed with some groceries. again, i wandered behind scattered while they picked out some goodies. awww... *sniffs* ...thanks guys. :)



Monday, May 18, 2009

i'm pooped


God knew what i needed to read today

from todays My Utmost for His Highest (Oswald Chambers) (bolding mine):
" Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they simply are! Think of the sea, the air, the sun, the stars, and the moon--all these are, and what a ministration they exert. So often we mar God's designed influence through us by our self-conscious effort to be consistent and useful. Jesus says that there is only one way to develop spiritually, and that is by concentration on God. "Do not bother about being of use to others; believe on Me"--pay attention to the Source, and out of you will flow rivers of living water. We cannot get at the springs of our natural life by common sense, and Jesus is teaching that growth in spiritual life does not depend on our watching it, but on concentration on our Father in heaven. Our heavenly Father knows the circumstances we are in, and if we keep concentrated on Him we will grow spiritually as the lilies.

The people who influence us most are not those who buttonhole us and talk to us, but those who live their lives like the stars in heaven and the lilies of the field, perfectly simply and unaffectedly. Those are the lives that mold us.

If you want to be of use to God, get rightly related to Jesus Christ and He will make you of use unconsciously every minute you live. "

that's all i have to say about it.... except that if you don't read My Utmost, you should!!! :)


Sunday, May 17, 2009

a gooder

just had to post my answers to this one... did it on facebook.

the Think Hard Survey

How many keys are on your keychain?

If you were given a canvas and watercolors, what would you paint?
i don't know.... i never know, and i get stumped :/

What do you regard as the most repulsive form of music?
sexually explicit and/or violent lyrics, whatever musical genre

Whose mind, besides your own, would you like to control?
nobody's. i'm against mind control in all it's forms. i'm just trying to be in control of my own, that's enough work!!!!

What is the most dangerous occupation?
astronaut.... for all the technology, it's still very experimental.... that, and test-piloting

What is the first thing you do when you get out of bed?
turn off my cpap machine, take off the mask, and dump the tank. then i go pee. :)

What do you consider the greatest threat to mankind?
honestly? there is none - ie. God holds the universe in His hands, there are no surprises for Him, and nothing outside of His sovereignty

If you could project yourself into the past, where would you go?
there are various events i would love to witness (with the benefit of hindsight): the early church, joan of arc, reformation, the events surrounding the faux newscast that aliens had landed and panic ensued... and the social fallout afterward...

What are you thankful you are not doing right now?
masterbating :) [hey, just being 100% honest and transparent here! :)]

What is your favorite kind of candy?
those orange/cream swirled ones...

What is your favorite thing about the beach?
if its cold water, swimming. :) if not.... getting some vitamin D

If you were invisible, where would you go?
allllll over the place!!!!!!

What is one object in your home that you are embarrassed to own?
honestly, i can't think of one!

Fill in the blank; When I dance, I look like:
a slow motion video of a cube of jello bouncing off a counter..... O_o

Who is one person you wish you would have never met?
the closest i can come to fit this answer would be my ex :/ (but i have to add, not really, becuase i see my past as God ordained to help shape me into the person i'm becoming, so...)

What is your favorite fruit?

What is your favorite kind of cookie?
chocolate wafers

If you were an evil dictator, where would you rule?

What do you need to get right now at the drug store?
i already got it today - my meds, and distilled water

What song do you keep hearing over and over again?
right now, 'hoist that rag' by tom waits

What was the happiest age of your life?
believe it or not, now :/

What is your favorite piece of clothing that you own?
ooooh. my green gypsy skirt (that i have to take in)....

What two words describe your lifestyle?
picky pauper

Which ocean creature fascinates you most?

On a scale of 1-10; how religious are you?
0. how into a relationship with the One, True Jesus am i? 11.

What historical figure would you most like to have a discussion with?
the apostle John

What color looks best on you?

What is your favorite thing about being sick?
having lots of time to talk with God, with no distractions, lol

Whats new?
i got a folding bike :)

Why are you here right now?
that is a question i'm waiting on God for the answer! O_o

What commercial do you find most annoying?
all of them

What was your favorite meal growing up?
either egg/ham sandwich, or cheese slice toasted on bread

If you had to spend the rest of your life in one place, where would it be?
where ever God wants me is where i'll have the most joy...

Fill in the blank; I am so much smarter than:
a rock.

What one person or thing reminds you of the 80s?
oy.... there are LOTS of things right now that remind me of the 80s! O_o... the way clothes are cut, the 80s style synth in todays music....

What is college really good for?
learning a lot of things and either expanding your horizons in a good way, or distracting you from what's really important in life

Where is the most beautiful place you have ever been?
the nass

What body part aches you the most right now?
my butt... i'm not used to sitting on a bike seat....

When is the angriest you have ever been?
i would guess it's when i decked a girl in high school... O_o

What do you waste your time doing?
some would argue... doing quizzes :)

On a scale of 1-10; how much do you trust people?
5... it depends on the person and depends on the circumstance

If you were forced to choose your own death, how would you die?
i'm guessing..... lethal injection

On a scale of 1-10; how photogenic are you?
mmmm.... 5, or maybe 7...?

What aspect of your personality could use a little work?
ALL OF IT!!!!! lol.... especially accepting myself as i am, i'm bad at that....

What is your greatest addiction?

What issue are you sick of hearing about?
rainy weather

If you were a professional wrestler, what would your ring name be?
haha, i dunno, 'Bossy Nova' comes to mind, tho :P

What language would you like to master?
ahh, i'd love to know them all!!!!! but don't care enough to focus on learning even one well.... i guess i'd start with french. i always wanted to learn russian tho... and definately Koine greek (biblical greek)

What is your favorite dish at a Chinese restaurant?
bean sprouts

Who would you least likely expect a phone call from?
after my mom (who's dead, yet somehow i still expect her to call me, lol).... i'd say, my dad

What is the longest you have ever gone without a shower?
mmm, maybe a month?

What is the saddest movie you have ever seen?
mmm, 'a dog (in?) flanders' comes to mind

What time do you usually fall asleep?
around midnight

Where is the worst place to be stuck waiting?
in a bathroom lineup, when you have the runs

What is the cutest animal on Earth?
red panda

Name one celebrity that has no right being a celebrity.
hahaha, most of them :P

What hobby have you always wanted to pick up?
too many to count... carving, playing the cello, hard-core hiking, papermaking, bookmaking and repair (as business, tho), ball/yoga/pilates type stuff, i'd love to learn how to throw flaming poi.... and be a tattoo artist :) ....among other things :P
fyi - this is and example of flaming poi:

it would be great for personal worship, no? :D


here comes the rain again

love this song... sing it to Jesus, as a love song to Him.

this version is closer to how i'd do it (it's in my reperetoire, should i ever get a chance to work with it)... only a little less etherial and more folk/jazz... and a bit slower yet....

Here comes the rain again
Falling on my head like a memory
Falling on my head like a new emotion
I want to walk in the open wind
I want to talk like lovers do
I want to dive into your ocean
Is it raining with you

So baby talk to me
Like lovers do
Walk with me
Like lovers do
Talk to me
Like lovers do

Here comes the rain again
Raining in my head like a tragedy
Tearing me apart like a new emotion
I want to breathe in the open wind
I want to kiss like lovers do
I want to dive into your ocean
Is it raining with you

So baby talk to me
Like lovers do

Here comes the rain again
Falling on my head like a memory
Falling on my head like a new emotion
(here it comes again, here it comes again)
I want to walk in the open wind
I want to talk like lovers do
I want dive into your ocean
Is it raining with you


i *love* the rain, especially when it's really heavy. the first song to come to mind was 'heavy rain' by the wildings, but i couldn't find an online version to post....

just for fun, here's another version i love.... rockin'!


Saturday, May 16, 2009

it is what it is

why do people complain about the weather?
it is what it is
its pouring today, and am not going to get soaked walking for some milk
but i'm not going to complain
i'm not going to let the weather ruin my mood
it just is what it is
when it's really hot out, i can barely function, i feel sick
but i fight hard to not let the weather dictate my emotions
it just is what it is

God created it
He ordained the days it would rain, or shine
snow, or blow
freeze, or blaze
lamenting cannot change it
bitching about it doesn't make me feel any better
it is what it is

and one thing it always is, is beautiful, in it's own way
i choose to see the beauty of the rolling clouds, the patterns the drops make on the puddles
appreciate the watering of the trees and flowers so they will bloom next week... or next year
God knows what He's doing,
who am i to complain about what He's doing?
He makes everything glorious...
am i going to call down what God has made and ordained?
it is what it is
and i choose to see the beauty
rather than the inconvenience,
and appreciate the challenge
that God is working in for my good...
and so i will praise Him
rain, sun, sleet, heat...
God made it, He ordained it
it is what it is.


Friday, May 15, 2009

today is the day....for what?

read this inspiring quote here....
There are fine things which you mean to do some day, under what you think will be more favorable circumstances. But the only time that is surely yours is the present, hence this is the time to speak the word of appreciation and sympathy, to do the generous deed, to forgive the fault of a thoughtless friend, to sacrifice self a little more for others. Today is the day in which to express your noblest qualities of mind and heart, to do at least one worthy thing which you have long postponed, and to use your God-given abilities for the enrichment of someone less fortunate. Today you can make your life significant and worthwhile.

~ Grenville Kleiser
the line that caught me was, "Today is the day in which (...) to use your God-given abilities for the enrichment of someone less fortunate."


this is something i am short on vision for.... i ask myself, for example, why do art? you go through the process, it's draining, emotional, and ..... for what? to hear accolades and compliments? no, thanks. ....then what's the purpose? ...mmm, yes, the occasional prophetic pic, sure, but beyond that?

music is a fair bit clearer for me, and yet, beyond the obvious (serving on the worship team...).....

HOW do my God-given talents and abilities enrich others, and WHO are the "less fortunate" with regards to my abilities?

i need some input... inspiration.... vision!!!!.... comments welcomed, please!!!!! :D


Thursday, May 14, 2009


maybe i'll call it 'mikey'?! lol bikey mikey.... anyhooo....

here it is...... the schwinn 'tango' folding bike. (mines burgundy tho.... pics from canadian tire's website.)

i *love* the rear rack, and the fact that it has fenders. and the fact that the tires are smaller (20" instead of the usual 26") and the frame is a bit lower to the ground... suits my short legs. :)

and yeah, it really folds right in half!, and the handlebars fold down and turn too, so it fits pretty easily in the trunk of a smallish car. it would fit in the backseat of a vehicle easily, too. and it's pretty simple and quick to fold down, too, once you get the hang of it.

overall, a practical little bike with plenty of quirk factor!!!!.... even has a cute little ding-ding bell on it. *love* it! thank You, Lord!!!!!! :D :D :D

now i just have to find my 'bike legs' again.... i was pretty wobbly in the store!!!! :P



ok..... warning: girl stuff to follow!

it's, y'know, that time of the month, and because of the nature of the personal hygiene product i use (those 14+ pads are too dinky for me!).... i usually wear a skirt to, ahem, hide the bulky lumpies, and smooth things out visually.

well, today, i was going to buy a bike, and...... i realized, no skirty wirty on the bikey wikey.... well, some of them might be ok, but not the one i had in mind, so i'm like, now what? a sarong wont work either, too many loose ends.


i wonder.....

this is the result (kind of a weird pic, becuase i had to pose and lean over and tap the touchpad to take the picture, all at the same time! lol):

perfect! hides the back crotchtal area (and the front too, for that matter!!!!), and totally hides any tell-tale signs of bein' a fertile woman...

know what it is?

it is...

a spaghetti strap tank top!!!! that i rarely wear, tho i love the pattern and fit, because it has a gathering around a ring in the front that would mean i have to wear another tank top under it, which kind of defeats the purpose, so i rarely wear it.

well, now it's a skirty wirty. perfect for those days when i'm being more active than a skirt will allow, but still hide the bumpy wumpies. it's just pulled down and the the straps tucked into the waist of my tights, and all is good.

i am very pleased. :D


a brief word on the products i use: no leaks, much more clean feeling, and best of all, no drive-me-crazy itchy rash halfway through the week... after all, it's designed to be worn every single day, as opposed to menstrual pads. and i must say, it's totally worth the extra expense.


timely poetry

crack me up.... very apropos..... look what i came across today, while catching up on blog reading (from here):
The Snail

The snail he lives in his hard round house,
In the orchard, under the tree:
Says he, "I have but a single room;
But it's large enough for me."

The snail in his little house doth dwell
All the week from end to end,
You're at home, Master Snail; that's all very well.
But you never receive a friend.

~ Anonymous


on Christ, i stand....



snail shells

Monday, July 03, 2006
Present on my Doorstep

so, i'm posting again, because Someone (ie God) left a present in front of my front steps!

i went out to the car to get my N, and when i came back to the house, i saw a beautiful, pink, small, abandoned coil shell... from a snail! it's so little and delicate, it was like finding a little gem or something precious in the middle of nowhere. mom said she saw the snail in my flower box last night, and between then and this morning it either abandoned my shell (+) or got eaten by a bird (-), but either way, that's nature, how the world works.... and amazingly it was left, intact except for one tiny chip, on my doorstep.

what an amazing little send-off from God~!!!! it's like a hug, like He's telling me that i, us going on this trip, and this trip itself, is a beautiful precious thing in His sight. ooooh... *faint with love*
lol, i thought *i* saw it in the flowerbox the night before, but either way, this hit me like a ton of love-bricks and has stuck with me for the last 3 years.

anyhoo.... snail shells are iconic to me, of God's promise, His love, His going-with as i step out into adventure in obedience to Him, and the beautiful gifts He has for me in this life. a precious representation of something so deep and meaningful to me.... only God knows, really. :)

anyhoo.... after coming to some realizations in the last 2-3 weeks, about trusting God with regards to a certain relationship with a friend, that God did indeed bring him into my life as a friend (and who knows beyond but God?), but to trust that God brought this about... and to step out and trust Him in it, to listen to what He's been telling me, and not fear.....

anyhoo.... about three days ago, we were going for a walk, on our way to pams house to have tea, and walking along one section of sidewalk (after a rain) we came across... 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...more! snails! on the sidewalk!!!!! they were huge and beautiful and all sorts of colors and decorations on their shells.... one stuck out in such a way that i said, 'look, this one has 'racing stripes'!'... lol. it brought to mind the last time i struck out on an adventure in trust of God (the trip to ontario) and smiled. wow. thought, oh well, no shell this time (they were all occupied lol)... but beautiful and reminiscent and encouraging nonetheless.

then yesterday i was walking with pam to her house, and we passed the same stretch of road... there were two snails sitting there together, it looked like they were cuddling *aw*.... and then... and empty shell! in the grass!!! and it had racing stripes~!!!!!! pam made sure it was empty for me, and then i carried it in my hand the rest of the way..... beautiful. ...yellow with a black racing stripe, lol!!!!!

and it's like wow... only God could do this.... twice in my life have i found a shell, both times after making a radical decision to trust God and go with what i felt He was telling me.... only He could do that.


and then today, kimmers tagged me in facebook as a boat called 'shell seeker', hahaha......


Tuesday, May 12, 2009

devo... rest

"What have you done in the past when you felt weak physically? You could not do anything. You ceased from doing. In your weakness, you leaned on the shoulder of a strong loved one. You leaned completely on someone else and rested, becoming still, and trusting in another's strength.

"It is the same when you are tempted to despair under spiritual afflictions. Once you have come close to the point of despair, God's message is not, "Be strong and courageous" (Josh 1:6), for He knows that your strength and courage have run away. Instead, He says sweetly, "Be still, and know that I am God" (Ps. 46:10).

..."This is all God asks of you as His dear child. When you become weak through the fierce fires of affliction, do not try to 'be strong." Just, "be still and know that [He is] God." and know that He will sustain you and bring you through the fire."

-from Streams in the Desert, may 10 (i highly recommend this devo...)
this is where i currently find myself.... in many ways, due to things God has spoken to my heart recently, i have more peace in my heart than i have had in months... spiritual peace and rest, i guess. but when it comes to daily life, i long for departing from this place and being present with Him... i'm exhausted from slogging through day to day, one step in front of the other.... i'm ready to stop and rest... but i can't, in the sense that day to day life keeps going on, so i have to keep going on... but i'm so tired. i long to rest, to not be pushing pushing pushing every day... simply to get through another day.

no matter how hard i try, i simply cannot 'do better!' as i'm always telling myself, and manage things. i can manage *some* things, but in doing some, others slide... and i simply cannot stay on top of the whole pile.

i work on eating properly, and housework, creativity, finances... slide.
i work creativity.... my house becomes a disaster and everything slides.
i work on finances, and.... bills get paid, but there's nothing else, and.......

i can't focus little bits of my time on each thing... i go all or nothing.... when i'm creative, i don't even see the house i'm walking around in getting more messy, or remember to eat, or forget that i haven't paid bills and i just need some new yarn..... poof, money gone. and i'm like, what the heck happened? then i switch gears and i'm all into eating proper meals, and i'm cooking and baking... and the dishes are piling up becuase i'm focused on the food and process of doing it i don't see the trail behind me until i turn around and go 'what hurricane blew through here!' ...oh, wait, it was me.... and the mess is too big, all my money went on food and bills didn't get paid, and i got bread coming out the wazoo..... and those crafts i was working on two weeks ago are still sitting there, collectin dust...... i work on listening to my body and sleeping when it says sleep, and.... i sleep all the time and there's nothing else happening... when i'm awake i wander around the house like it's someone elses house, it looks so foreign, i don't know what to eat, or how to clean it up, and..... feeling like an intruder, go back to sleep.

it's a dizzying cycle. it has to do with the massive compartmentalization of my brain.... i can't expect it to operate like everyone else's, my counsellor tells me.... and yet i expect it to... and how the expectation over myself to 'get it together' if i only 'just focus better'....... or try just a 'little bit harder'.....

i do not want to 'give up'.... i either need a smaller pile to manage on my own (how would that work any better, what with my cycling brain?) ...or help in managing the pile (the strong shoulder of another to lean on).... and yet still be a self-directed, autonomous individual (in Christ, of course).... so my cycling brain can focus on.... what it can focus on... and on the meantime the other parts of the pile *aren't* sliding, they are being held up...... and yet not totally dependant on others.... oh, that sounds like a dream, too good to be true. impossible. it seems i'll always be slogging.... sinking... hopeless.

i do get a lot of help in life.... help in helping me to manage the pile on my own. even with the help, i cannot manage the pile on my own. why? sheesh.... 'just do better, lynnie, you can do better', i tell myself... and i try... and don't. i'm always sliding down one side of the pile as i'm trying to shore up another side....

and then i beat myself up for 'letting' the other side slide, as i'm trying to hold up this side, and the watch the rest slide.... and somehow it's *my fault* for somehow *letting* the other side go.... *sighs*

oy.... it's the pile. and i get this thing that tells me, 'oy, lynnie, you should be like the hind on the high place.... figure out what you are doing wrong and you'll get up there, God promises... so what's the problem?'.... and it's all my fault. and i try... and try... and try..... and am so condemned.

am so freakin' tired, i want to sleep... i am mentally, physically, and emotionally drained.... i *need* rest. but i have laundry to do, dishes to keep up on, bills and finances to figure out, a body to feed and exercise, friends who need my friendship.... so i keep on keeping on..... and keep on shoring up one side of the pile, and watching the others slide as i have my arms full....

it's a crazy-making hopelessness-bringing situation, i tell ya. i want to just sit down on the side of the pile and sleep.

be still and know that He is God...... but the bills still got to be payed, the laundry still has to be done, etc... and unless God sends down His angels to do those things, i still gotta rise and do them.... no physical, mental, emotional rest. spiritual rest, yes...... but not the others.

and i don't know what to do. i'm just so exhausted from trying to 'be strong'... when i'm not.


this scene comes to mind.... only instead of 'sadness'.... it's.... life. the fight to keep my head above the mud.... and the struggle to find the reason to keep fighting... and trying to understand how 'resting in God' comes into it - without the result being... sinking...? oy....



just got the yen to blab...

went for a nice walk last night with a friend, matthew... we walked to tim hortons and had a snack, then over to pams for buns on her birthday, then matt walked me home cuz it was getting dark out. i think i may still develope blisters on the fronts of the balls of my feet cuz i wore my winter clogs (that are in their death throes) because it was raining, and they killed my feet, bah. maybe i'll take them to the free-store at the clubhouse, maybe one of the guys could use them, lol...

am out of instant coffee, so i made a pot of real stuff in my stove top drip pot thingy, and i guessed on the amount of coffee.... it's STRONG!!!! but really nummy, with enough sugar and milk.... i'm also out of milk, so i have evaporated milk in there (ergo i use less of it in a cup than regular milk so the can will last) and... well, i love my whole milk. this is about my dream coffee.... 1/2 really strong coffee, demerera sugar, and 1/2 whole milk. mmmmm....... but the coffee has to be strong strong strong for it to still be strong when it's half diluted with milk, y'know?

i am totally in love with tom waits as an artist and musician... brilliant... genius... unique. a true artist.

love the breathing in this one...

oooh, my darlin' pammy just dropped off a jug of milk for me!!!! what a darling!!!! i love her!!!!! :D :D :D

i listen to this song over and over again... who cares about understanding the words? lol.. i love it....

Crest fallen sidekick in an old cafe
Never slept with a dream before he had to go away
Theres a bell in the tower
Uncle ray bought a round
Dont worry about the army
In the cold cold ground

Now dont be a cry baby
When theres wood in the shed
Theres a bird in the chimmney
And a stone in my bed
When the roads washed out
They pass the bottle around
And wait in the arms
Of the cold cold ground
Cold cold ground

Theres a ribbon in the willow
And a tire swing rope
And a briar patch of berries
Takin over the slope
The catll sleep in the mailbox
And well never go to town
Til we bury every dream in
The cold cold ground
Cold cold ground

Gimme a winchester rifle and a whole box of shells
Blow the roof off the goat barn
Let it roll down the hill
The piano is firewood
Times square is a dream
I find well lay down together in the cold cold ground
Cold cold ground
Cold cold ground

Call the cops on the breedloves
Bring a Bible and a rope
And a whole box of rebel
And a bar of soap
Make a pile of trunk tires
And burn em all down
Bring a dollar with you baby
In the cold cold ground
Cold cold ground

Take a weather vane rooster
Throw rocks at his head
Stop talking to the neighbors
Til we all go dead
Beware of my temper
And the dog that Ive found
Break all the windows in the
Cold cold ground
Cold cold ground

i love the.... non-commercial-ness of his music. it inspires me to sit at the piano and really find my groove like little else has, it's really God that's introduced me to tom waits... i think when i'm really relaxed my voice is more like his than most 'singer/songwritresses'' are.... inspires me to be me, to write and sing from the gut... my topics would be quite different from his, of course, no 'the piano has been drinking', lol, that's not my life experience to draw from, ha!!!! oh, but now i have to post that song.... it's brilliant in terms of setting a scene and drawing you into the mood of a room/situation... now that's poetic artistry!!!!

and he's not afraid to experiment: (note the tone of mockery of 'out west'... love it... 'i got hair on my chest, i look good without a shirt!' just cracks me up....)

ok, tata for now.... may post later some thoughts from recent devos.... :D


Thursday, May 07, 2009

songs from 'night on earth'

i remember the movie these songs are from, 'night on earth', as being good. tom waits, again.


tasks and obedience

"The task ahead of us is never as great as the power behind us." -- Author Unknown
"If Jesus ever gave us a command He could not enable us to fulfill, He would be a liar; and if we make our inability a barrier to obedience, it means we are telling God there is something He has not taken into account. Every element of self-reliance must be slain by the power of God. Complete weakness and dependence will always be the occasion for the Spirit of God to manifest His power." -- Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, May 5
"Always keep your life measured by the standards of Jesus. Bow your neck to His yoke alone, and to no other yoke whatever; and be careful to see that you never bind a yoke on others that is not placed by Jesus Christ. It takes God a long time to get us out of the way of thinking that unless everyone sees as we do, they must be wrong. That is never God's view. There is only one liberty, the liberty of Jesus at work in our conscience enabling us to do what is right." -- Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, May 6

the last one really challenges me.... i often feel that if i do not 'see' things the way certain people do, i must be wrong... so i ignore what i 'see' or 'feel' and listen to them, instead..... but more and more i'm feeling the Spirit prompting me, 'what does your conscience say?'... not, 'what does ____ say?'... to look inside, in the temple and beyond the veil, and listen.... to my spirit, the spirit which is joined to the Spirit of God, and heed my conscience... and trust God to be leading....


Wednesday, May 06, 2009

angels in heaven - tom waits

Woah I, know I've been changed
And I know I've been changed
I know I've been changed
Angels in heaven done sign my name
Angels in heaven done sign my name

Well, I know I got religion,
Lord knows I'm not ashamed
Well, a holy ghost is my witness
And the angels done sign my name

Oh, I said: I know I've been changed
And I know I've been changed, yeah
Know I've been changed
Angels in heaven done sign my name
Angels in heaven done sign my name

Lord knows I've been converted
Lord knows I've been redeemed
Well, you can wake me up in the midnight hour
I'm gonna tell ya just a what I seen

I said: I know I've been changed
And I know I've been changed, yeah
Know I've been changed
Angels in heaven done sign my name
Angels in heaven done sign my name
Angels in heaven done sign my name
Angels in heaven done sign my name


Tuesday, May 05, 2009

waltzing mathilda - tom waits

feelin the itch to land on the piani......

[this song is actually called "Tom Traubert's Blues"...]


great quote

"I would rather be despised for conviction than loved for submission." ~ unknown
...submission here meaning, to me, giving in to people for sake of keeping their approval rather than following the dictates of the beliefs i hold before God....


Monday, May 04, 2009

take me home - tom waits

Take me home
You silly girl
Put your arms around me
Take me home
You silly girl
All the world's not round without you

I'm so sorry that I broke your heart
Please don't leave my side
Take me home
You silly girl
Cause I'm still in love you

so simple, and so beautiful...


Saturday, May 02, 2009

i am a pollyanna

suprisingly accurate, lol.... and i've *always* come up INFP on the myers-briggs inventory....

Your result for The Brutally Honest Personality Test...

Pollyanna- INFP

20% Extraversion, 53% Intuition, 47% Thinking, 33% Judging

So, you want to make the world a better place? Too bad it's never gonna happen.

Of all the types, you have to be one of the hardest to find fault in. You have a selfless and caring nature. You're a good listener and someone who wants to avoid conflict. You genuinely desire to do good.

Of course, these all add up to an incredibly overpowered conscience which makes you feel guilty and responsible when anything goes wrong. Of course, it MUST be your fault EVERYTIME.

Though you're constantly on a mission to find the truth, you have no use for hard facts and logic, which is a source of great confusion for those of us with brains. Despite this, in a losing argument, you're not above spouting off inaccurate fact after fact in an effort to protect your precious values.

You're most probably a perfectionist, which in this case, is a bad thing. Any group work is destined to fail because of your incredibly high standards.

Disregard what I said before. You're just easy to find fault in as everyone else!

Luckily, you're generally very hard on yourself, meaning I don't need to waste my precious time insulting you. Instead, just find all your own faults and insult yourself.

If you want to learn more about your personality type in a slightly less negative way, check out this.

Take The Brutally Honest Personality Test
at HelloQuizzy


neo ned

another amazing movie, profound and worth the watch. huge character development...! mature theme, not rated. language, one sex scene (easy to skip). there's no decent trailer out there, but the poster tells a lot.

click to enlarge.



love this movie!!!! :) rated 14A (language)


Outcast, Adopted.

THIS BLOG IS IN NEED OF AN OVERHAUL. there are posts from years back i would not be able to post in good conscience now. i plan to overhaul the blog, and either delete or add a disclaimer to those posts. but that is gonna take time....

The Radical Summons: "
Therefore let us go to Him outside the camp and bear the reproach He endured. For here we have no lasting city, but we seek the city that is to come." Hebrews 13:13.

"The Spirit never loosens where the Word binds; the Spirit never justifies where the Word condemns; the Spirit never approves where the Word disapproves; the Spirit never blesses where the Word curses." —Thomas Brooks

‎"God receives none but those who are forsaken, restores health to none but those who are sick, gives sight to none but the blind, and life to none but the dead. He does not give saintliness to any but sinners, nor wisdom to any but fools. In short: He has mercy on none but the wretched and gives grace to none but those who are in disgrace. Therefore no arrogant saint, or just or wise man can be material for God, neither can he do the work of God, but he remains confined within his own work and makes of himself a fictitious, ostensible, false, and deceitful saint, that is, a hypocrite." --Martin Luther (W.A. 1.183ff)

i will not let You go: "Jacob's sense of his total debility and utter defeat is now the secret of his power with his friendly Vanquisher. God can overthrow all the prowess of the self-reliant, but He cannot resist the earnest entreaty of the helpless." --Albert Barnes

i will not let You go: "Jacob's determination did not flow from his strength, it flowed from his weakness." --Charles Leiter