too much information

whine, whine, moan, and lament.

it seems i'm always in pain in some way shape or form!

i've had a few people ask me why i'm always so tired and stuff, so i thought i'd post a little update on my blog.

the thing is, it's still a big unknown.

the intestinal issues started, i think, a couple years ago... i had some kind of infection (undetermined) that, after multiple rounds of antibiotics, needed an anti-parasitic drug to clear up.

last summer (09) i had pain and diarrhea for so long i wound up in the hospital for 5 days on IV.

the last year or so i've been taking an anti-spasmodic drug to reduce the pain in  my intestines.

the last few months i've been having more and more problems with pain, digestion, and end-of-digestive-tract  issues (hows that for a euphamism?), and this summer my doc referred me for a colonoscopy.

i had that a week and a half ago, and in a week and a half i see the surgeon again for follow-up.

i'm hoping for news. :)

i'm also trying not to draw inferences from things like, the doctor did not speak to me after the colonoscopy, the nurse just told me to call for a follow up (so what does that mean? do i have a clean colonic bill of health? huh!? then why am i so sick? now what?~!) .... but, the nurses also didn't say to me 'everything went great' as they did to the 2 or 3 other people who had the same procedure earlier in the afternoon while i was waiting for mine (conspicuously silent?  what does that mean? there's no good news? no immediate treatment? do i have stage 4 inoperable cancer and they just wanted me to live out the next three weeks of my life without anxiety, and then when i finally see the doc, he'll tell me there's nothing they can do?)  LOL see where inferences get you? NOWHERE!!!!

i'm guessing it's going to fall somewhere between those two extremes, lol.

but actually, of those two extremes, the first one is more worrisome for me.  continuing pain, lack of answers, no end in sight? *sigh*  ...however i do know that God is gracious, and as my day is, so my strength shall be.  that no 'ill' can befall me except that which He has ordained.  which brings great peace even within the turmoil.  (i feel sad for those who believe satan is a wild card and ruins health etc on his whim outside of the ordinance of God.  it is such an insecure place to be.)

and frankly, my life has had much pain, and while i have many great gifts from God in my life, i feel very old, and ready to go home.  my 'stress age' according to one quiz had me over 60 years old (or was it 70? i forget), not the 36 of my physical body... if that tells you anything about my stressful life.  this body has endured much.  i'm physically and emotionally worn out.  to be present in the body is to be absent from the Lord.... so in a sense, this body is 'keeping me from' Him... and oh, how i long to be present with Him.  indeed, i don't have a lot of 'investment' in this world; it is a vapor, vanity, and a chasing after the wind, aside from what God purposes.

and when God's purposes for me are done (none left incomplete) then and only then will i go home, at God's appointed time.  joy.

i do so look forward to that...!

~lynnie