wishing i could do more for mom.... wishing i could be there for her all the time. the last couple days i've retreated, having some quiet time, time to myself, and time with God. the noisier and crazier life is, the harder it is to hear Him, it seems.
i stayed two nights overnight at the hospital, and it did me in. i didn't stay the last two, or tonight. i don't think i will stay overnight very often, it's too draining.... the nurses are there to help mom, she prolly gets a better sleep without me snoring away in the corner anyways. and i definately sleep better and get more rest at home too.
i don't know if/when mom is coming home... the house looks AWESOME... mickie pulled together a little band of cleaners and movers and piler-uppers and decoraters and my whole house, except for my office and the spare room, is TIDY. WOW. and i've been keeping it pretty tidy since then too - it's only been a few days, but that's ok, hopefully it's the beginning of a trend. anyways, i say all this to say that after all that work getting things set up for mom to come home, i do hope she does... yet i acknowledge that it would be very difficult to care for mom at home. she could get up to 4 hours a day of home care nursing (or was it home support?) which isn't much, but then there is hospice volunteers that can visit etc. but my home would be far from restful. and the last few weeks i got my breaks by driving away and sitting in the car somewhere for an hour or two... but it's getting too cold for that.
i'm noticing i'm less talkative, more 'lost in thought' than i've been for a while. i'm smiling less too, which i think has more to do with fatigue (mental/physical) than depression, but i don't know.
there is definately a depression that is becuase of how a person thinks.... but there is also a medical depression, too, lack of seratonen(sp?) and what not. they often play together... my responsibility is to seek God and keep my thoughts on Him, eat properly and get as much natural light as possible.... and it's up to Him whether there is any biological component.
when i hear people talking about depression as being always becuase of our own faulty thinking, i get a bit defensive cuz i hear condemnation. it's YOUR fault. but it's not always. i mean, if there was no biological component, antidepressents don't change our thinking, so they wouldn't help at all. i'm talking about the difference between a treated illness and an untreated one - night and day.
i'm having a hard time dealing with family, too. no one besides me and mom are christians. everyone's perspective is so.... alien to me. it's amazing that one can forget what it's like to not have Christ, to not have that hope and joy that sustains even in dark times. it's totally foreign to my mind right now. it makes me feel like whacking my head against a wall, "why can't they see! why can't they see the TRUTH! it's so obvious!" ....well, it is to me. it's veiled to them.
i'm taking it one day at a time. taking it slowly. trying to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus and nothing else. placing mom's care in God's hands, not mine. wanting to do my part, but acknowledging that it's going to be less that my idealistic ideas of how to help her. letting go of thoughts of, "they should be doing more, pitching in more".... when i drove past the hospital on the way home, i saw my uncles truck in the parking lot - 10 pm. they are there, what more can i ask of them than what they want to give? mom's care is in God's hands, not mine, not theirs, not even the hospitals in the end.
anyways, a few quasi-jointed thoughts in the wee hours.... hope it makes sense, i'm not proofing it. off to bed now! love y'alls!
ps. spent a fair bit of time on the piano today... a new melody, a new song. a God song. it's not for me in the end, it's for others.... but it's ministering to me right now, more than forcing myself to try to focus my fuzzy noggin on reading the bible would, i think. more meditative. more personal. thank You, Jesus.
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