Tuesday, January 23, 2007

naked turtle

i don't know what to write. i don't even know what i think or feel right now....

...... i'm mulling over the sense of being 'let down'.... what God's purpose in it might be.... the distance between what we say we want to do, and what we actually do.

forgiveness.

pain.

being torn between needing God's love with skin on, but not wanting to wake anybody up, be rejected, frusterate them, or even make them mad.

knowing that when you reach out, you may get what you need, but you also make yourself vulnerable to being hurt - no, not just hurt, but devastated - if you are not recieved.

not being recieved fresh on my mind, in my heart, in my tears.

i want to reach out my hand, but fear that if i finally do, it'll just get smacked down... yet again.... so why bother?

but nay, i must persist, for every smack down there are3, 5, 10 or more loves, hugs, and encouragements.

it's just that the smackdowns hurt so much.

oh man. i don't want to be in this 'place' tonight, not again.

oh God! help me!

it's horrible when there is so much inside, and it is so stinkin' hard to communicate it.

feeling like a naked turtle, missing my shell. want to isolate big time.

even feel like deleting this - it's so much simpler that way, delete it, forget it, and it goes away. except it doesn't. and it doesn't help any with trying to get out of the bottle-stuffing habit, either.

it's easier to just not communicate, than to try to communicate what you don't know how to communicate, y'know?

being a 'christian' is the hardest thing to do - it would be so much easier to let myself be irritable and sarcastic and angry all the time.

i guess that's why love joy peace patience kindness etc are fruit of the Spirit - it's impossible for mortal man in and of himself.

i'm such a fallen human being!

oh great, now i feel mad at myself!

get thee behind me, buttmunch!

gonna go to bed, do some warfare, and hopefully get some sleep.

*******

ps. if the fight is so hard, why keep up the fight?

cuz it's totally worth it.

.....explanation impossible.
Writ and/or posted by at

1 comment:

  1. joni9:18 p.m.

    sorry clover..i will keep you in my prayers...He wont let go of you...He wont...i will pray your people help you through this..even mosses's people had to hold up his arms.

    ReplyDelete

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)

Outcast, Adopted.

THIS BLOG IS IN NEED OF AN OVERHAUL. there are posts from years back i would not be able to post in good conscience now. i plan to overhaul the blog, and either delete or add a disclaimer to those posts. but that is gonna take time....

The Radical Summons: "Therefore let us go to Him outside the camp and bear the reproach He endured. For here we have no lasting city, but we seek the city that is to come." Hebrews 13:13.

"The Spirit never loosens where the Word binds; the Spirit never justifies where the Word condemns; the Spirit never approves where the Word disapproves; the Spirit never blesses where the Word curses." —Thomas Brooks

‎"God receives none but those who are forsaken, restores health to none but those who are sick, gives sight to none but the blind, and life to none but the dead. He does not give saintliness to any but sinners, nor wisdom to any but fools. In short: He has mercy on none but the wretched and gives grace to none but those who are in disgrace. Therefore no arrogant saint, or just or wise man can be material for God, neither can he do the work of God, but he remains confined within his own work and makes of himself a fictitious, ostensible, false, and deceitful saint, that is, a hypocrite." --Martin Luther (W.A. 1.183ff)

i will not let You go: "Jacob's sense of his total debility and utter defeat is now the secret of his power with his friendly Vanquisher. God can overthrow all the prowess of the self-reliant, but He cannot resist the earnest entreaty of the helpless." --Albert Barnes

i will not let You go: "Jacob's determination did not flow from his strength, it flowed from his weakness." --Charles Leiter