the mask of hypocrisy

today rigby talked about hypocrisy being the wearing of masks.

in the movie the mask, jim carrey's character becomes joined to the mask and you couldn't tell who he was anymore, the mask took over.

how do you take off the mask when you don't know who you are under the mask?

where you end and it begins?

i understand that it's not something i can *do*, per se, so........then what?

what if you have many masks at once, and you can't even tell when you have one of the masks on and when you don't?

what if you have worn said mask(s) since you were born?

is there even a real you underneath it?

where is the me God created me to be?

i know the big, profound, general truths, that i am a daughter of the Most High King, i have an inheritance in Christ, etc etc.

but i feel like the generic version.

like a mannequin that has no clothes on yet.

in effect, a blank slate.

and so, i experiment.

i'm gonna try on school this fall, english class, if possible.

then family says there is no point, don't waste the money.

i want to continue becoming more independant, and have a vehicle.

then family says it's a waste of money, take the bus, you have no need of a car.

i want to do anything that enriches my life and growth.....

then family says it's a waste of money.

....i am a waste of money.

so why try?

why bother wasting the money or effort to find out who i am under these masks?

evidently i'm not anything worth spending money on.

so why bother trying to take of the mask(s) that keep me from my pain?

i'm tired of fighting.

and then i've been told to not fight, but to just deflect the blows and rest in God.

and then i'm told to fight again.

and then i'm tired, so tired.

and i just space out, check out, whatever.

cuz i'm confused.

so am i a hypocrite?

i don't know.

but then today i am told that if i wear a mask of any sort, i'm basically a hypocrite.

(through my filters, anyways)

so then i'm a hypocrite. woe to me.

woe to me, confused self-pitying hypocrite, sinner.

so i tune out, check out, cuz i know that's not God's heart to me.

but it's all i hear in my confusion.

so i continue to struggle to figure out what to do/not do/etc.

yes, i struggle.

so in saying that, woe is me, ain't that self-pity?

happy happy joy joy.

the joy of sarcasm.

the grind goes on.

some days better, some days worse.

trying to find out where i start and where i end under the mask of hypocrisy.

and wonder why i bother.

start over again from the start.-----------------------------------^