life has been hard

... i haven't been writing a lot here lately, and thought i should put something down....

... i've been struggling with depression, anxiety, and fatigue.

also major loneliness.... of course aggravated by the withdrawal that comes with depression.

seeing my doc next week, and possibly my pdoc soon, too. (pdoc = psychiatrist).

one problem in christian circles is the attitude towards mental illness - well, if you are depressed it's cuz you have a bad attitude, or 'pray harder!' 'ask God for deliverance!'.... i actually don't have the energy to get into this issue, to extrapolate further what i'm talking about, but suffice it to say, there are such things as chemical imbalances of the brain that really kink things up...

...um, that's all i have the energy to write right now....

i did something i don't usually do...

in fact, i don't think i have *ever* done this before: when out for dinner, i ordered a drink.

a 'vancouver island ice tea' - mr. mikes take on the long island, i guess.

it was pretty good.

even when i went dancing at the bar years ago, i didn't order anything but club soda...

this is the *first* time i've ever ordered an alcoholic beverage.... or ever paid for one, then obviously! :P

i'm very cautious with alcohol because of my meds... i sipped at it and gave almost half away.

wow... i'm living large, eh? :P

invisibility

Your Superpower Should Be Invisibility

You are stealth, complex, and creative. You never face problems head on. Instead, you rely on your craftiness to get your way. A mystery to others, you thrive on being a little misunderstood. You happily work behind the scenes... because there's nothing better than a sneak attack! Why you would be a good superhero: You're so sly, no one would notice... not even your best friends Your biggest problem as a superhero: Missing out on all of the glory that visible superheroes get

What Should Your Superpower Be?

...but i'm already invisible...!?

Fahrenheit 451

oh my gosh... this is what gives christianity a bad name....

bored.

well, no, not really. just tired. tired of the day to day. i don't know how many times i've gone to lay down and phase out with my cell phone's spider solitaire game.... i dunno... not feeling that great.

anybody wanna watch a tv show with me on saturday?

the things kids say

... and how we interpret them.

today i picked up my friend's daughter from school (grade one), and on the walk back to my house, it was non-stop chatter about everything under the sun... and of course, lots about her school friends.

she said, oh!...and lexy had stitches, and i was like oh, why? thinking this was a friend from school. ...cuz she had an operation... and the stitches stick out like toothpicks!!! why did she have an operation? cuz her mama wanted her to have one, so she couldn't have babies..... whaaaat? (i was startin' to think this was a "fairy tale", y'know, like the 'i got married today!' story...), so i said, ooookkkkk (one eyebrow up, one eyebrow down)...... and waited for more information... she said for the operation they had to shave her hair off - so she had a bald spot too!!! (ie. like me, lol)........ and it dawned on me - *blink blink* - the baby-makin' parts are nowhere near the scalp, so i'm missin' something here.... but what?........

oh, doh *whack*...

she was talking about her mama's (grandmother's) new puppy, lexy.

DOH...!

mood = 7

Your Mood is a 7

You're feeling pretty good, but not perfect. Your mood is on the high side of average.

How Does Your Mood Rate?

better than last night...

the valley song - jars of clay

You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
On a back bruised, nearly broken
I'm crying out to you

Chorus
I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

When death like a Gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek your face

But I fear you aren't listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger
For a faith that assures

Chorus x2

Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia

While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands
To cover the fatal cut

And though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down

Chorus

Yeah

Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia

Alleluia, alleluia alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia alleluia, alleluia

Chorus (4 Xs)

Oh, Lord sing of Your mercy,
Mercy
Your mercy

go to sleep little baby

hair woes

my hair as of today:

well, i fielded a lot of compliments on my new haircut today... which is nice, cuz i hate feelin' butch!!! lol.... knowing i still look like a girl is a good thing.

...although one person DID say today that they first thought, 'oh, there's a new guy playing piano'... and then they realized it was me. *sighs*... oh well.

someone else (and there is no chance they will read this blog!) had a case of foot in mouth syndrome: 'the hair looks good, and if you keep losing weight, you're really pretty'......

how does ANYBODY come under the delusion that that is a *compliment*?!?!?!?! LOLS

anyways....

the bad news is (yeah, all that was the good news.... i know, i know, if that was the good news, what on earth could the bad news be? lol)..... *ahem*, to start again, the bad news is i am going to have to get my hair cut, AGAIN.

whaaaaat?

well, it's still too long. i can grab the hairs with my fingers. and whereas for a few days i seemed to be pulling less, today has not been such a good day!!!!! .....so time for some serious damage control - my bald spot has grown considerably , in one day....

... and if you just thought, well why don't you JUST STOP?!?... i'll tell you now, don't ever say that to my face cuz i just might hit you. seriously.

that question just burns my butt.... i've struggled with this for years, tried hard to stop, brought it to God over and over again, prayed and begged and pleaded, have worn gloves, hit myself in frustration, you name it. for whatever reason, God has not delivered it from me, and i can't stop. ....it has waxed and waned over the years, but this is probably the worst it's been in about 10 years or so...

it's a fine line to toe, finding the balance between the two extremes of trying to pray it away and JUST STOP DAMMIT!..... and just rest in God's grace and sovereignty.

and God IS sovereign... so in all this, He has a plan - a reason for allowing it to continue.... and it is to His glory.

if it's for no other reason than an opportunity for transparency, and an example that christians have struggles too and i'm not perfect, that's good enough. :)

so.... buzz cut coming up, sooner rather than later. *shrugs* been there, done that - feeling GIRLY with a buzz cut is definately harder, but it can be done.

good thing i like big hoopy earrings! lol...

just for interests sake, here's a blast from the past for ya: a bad webcam image of my baptism photo, going on 10 years ago (fall '99):

crack me up

i have this 'more about me' app on facebook that has like 120 questions you answer, and then randomly displays 5 questions and answers on the sidebar (a new set with every page refresh).

problem is, it sometimes doesn't display the entire last question if it's a bit too long, and cuts off the last part of the question and the last part of the answer....

well, today this is what it said:

Q. What would you do with a
A. bank it. buy groceries. buy a baby

whaaaaat? buy a baby????

oohhh, did i hoot....

this is the real question and answer:

Q. What would you do with a million dollars:
A. bank it.buy groceries.buy a baby grand.

oh yeah baby, i'm heading out first thing tomorrow to scour the black market for the best price on babies..... *cough*

.... sadly, that actually happens.

thoughts on generation gaps

well, hmm. i have a lot rattlin' around in my head.

i went out to lunch with an elderly couple from church, and conversation got a little interesting when the topic of body piercings came up.

there was a waitress there with the coolest lip piercing i've ever seen, and i asked her about it. conversation afterwards then went something along the lines of this:

me: oh, i like that one, maybe i could get a lip piercing like that...

gent: what's it say, glorify God in your body...

me: yeah totally, we glorify God in our bodies in so many different ways...!!!!

lady to gent: well, like your niece...

gent: well, she's not a christian, when you become a christian God gets rid of all that stuff.

me: i don't think He necessarily gets 'rid' of that stuff, He makes all kinds of people, some more colorful than others, and we all glorify God in our bodies in our own way.....

...conversation kind of ended at that point.

so... pink hair on me would be ok (at least tolerable, i gather from prior conversation).... but a lip piercing would be beyond the line?.... i guess it would revert me to a heathen...????

it's sometimes so obvious that people of various age groups look like their own age groups in various ways, period. whether old and staid, or young and wild, we all can run the risk of conforming to the 'worldly standards' of our age group..... and it can be really risky to go against conformity - whatever the source (world or 'church'), and find out who we are IN GOD, how He designed us, and be true His design....... conforming to His image in us, Him being the most creative, expressive BEING in existence.....

much of what's passed of as 'christian' is actually as worldly at it's root as things that are obviously worldly.... 'come, be a christian, and look like me....'

in contrast, we can *look* like the world, and let our actions and faith set us apart - not our clothing. IN the world, just not OF it....

many would actually say i'm too old for pink hair, never mind a lip piercing... when you're 15 maybe, but 35? that's like, *old*, man!!!! lol...

i guess this is a bit of an example of what's talked about in the book 'unchristian' - i see where the church has lots of perspectives that are just not .... free. they are not biblical. they are not Jesus's teaching. and that certainly makes them 'unchristian'....

if a person is like a box of crayons, God made them like crayons... is it 'for freedom I have set you free' to expect us to 'tone down' and let the color to go out of our lives? everyone makes personal choices in how they dress, accessorize, etc... what makes one 'more christian' than another?

God made peacocks to display His glory in a certain way - a peacock way. He created that into their very dna. are we gonna try to convert the peacock out of the peacock? how much more ridiculous is it to confine the image of God in us, His artistry and creativity that He placed in us????

well, gent said he had some scripture verses to support the piercing thing, and i'm like, been there, heard that, letter of the law..... you're wearing blending fabric aren't you? and shaving your side burns, tsk tsk.... good natured teasing... but if you're gonna dish it buddy, be prepared to take it, too, lol!!!! :D

i can see where young people see christianity as more lock and key, confining, than freedom.... and yet we try to tell them there's freedom in Christ, and in the same breath say, you can't be who authentic to who you feel God made you to be????? a huge dichotomy!!!!!! huge hypocrisy....

i'm a total mosaic christian, i am 100% passionate about calling myself a Christ-follower, but the label 'christian' is so TAINTED to today's world.... and i have to say, i totally agree.

if that's christianity, i don't want it.

fortunately for me, i have a pastor who has told me, time and time again over the years, that God made me colorful, and to NEVER EVER LET THAT CHANGE..... so i am well enough grounded in my faith - my relationship with Jesus - to know that God made me to express Him in a certain way - to glorify God in my body in a unique way - and i would be doing a disservice to the glorification of God if i am not living according to the design He designed into me.

my definition - ie. who i am - is not 'color' or 'expression' or 'creativity' or 'non-conformity' - it's CHILD OF GOD, 100%.... but how i express that relationship with Him will utilize any number of those things, as dictated by the inclination He has designed into my very being.

and He has given me the freedom to do so.

becuase it is for FREEDOM He has set me free.....

and i will walk in that freedom, even against the wishes of (but alongside!!!!) my captive brethren - unknowingly captive to a conformity of their own sort....

i would LOVE to be a fly on the wall of every single cell group for the duration of this study.... but a MUTE fly, cuz i imagine i could easily get frustrated!!! but i'm so curious as to how it's being received - or not - and why, and how it's working out in people's hearts and minds, etc. i'm just sooooo curious.....

***

btw... yeah, i don't take care to capitalize 'christianity', whereas i do capitalize 'Christ'... why? i honestly do not think the world 'christianity' today reflects the honor and dignity of Christ, and thus doesn't deserve to have the honor of being capitalized (an honor which i give to little else than Christ Himself - i don't generally capitalize pronouns, personally or otherwise, unless they are or the deity, period...! lol)

all would envy

phenomenal song... LOVE the trumpet, mournful....

shawn colvin and chris botti - all would envy



who would envy?

new backgrounds?

from an awesome background-tile generator site, patterncooler.

SO WEIRD....

#1. i'm sitting here typing and i glance over at the tv (which is off, as usual)... and i see my reflection in the tv screen! i've NEVER noticed my reflection before, and nothing has changed for it to be 'new'... so it's always been there but i never saw it!!! its amazing how my crumpled over posture is actually not that humpbacked - my back and neck are actually pretty straight, just leaned over at an almost 45 degree angle.... :D

#2. it was a cold and windy night.... (last night)... it was late, and i was in the bathroom brushin' up before bed, when all of a sudden, from within the dark recesses of my apartment, i hear a huge CRASH!!!.... i'm like, ok, what fell over now? ....i wander into my spare room to discover the closet door on the floor. what the heck?! it has been in the open position (folded in half on itself), mechanism firmly nestled in it's track, forever... and suddenly it decided to take a nosedive onto the floor? it forgot to yell TIMBER!!!! geez....

but it is supremely odd, y'know? what, did the house shift in all that wind? was there a mild earthquake (which happens sometimes)?... or was the building just settling a tad? i wonder this because the door mechanism is totally intact.... it can't just randomly 'fall' out of it's track, can it? *scratches shorthaired head*

communications

HA, i just read a quote that is hilarious and profound at the same time:

Mom always told me I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up, within reason. I asked what she meant by within reason. She told me I asked a lot of questions for a garbage man.
- Jack Handey

who else assumed, at first glance, that this man's mom said that to him in the distant past, when he was a child? ...until we read he was already, in fact, an adult who was a garbage man....

it goes to show how, when someone recounts something, we 'create' in our mind an assumption of things - when it took place, what it meant, etc. the assumptions are based on clues, yes - 'told me i could be whatever i wanted to be WHEN I GREW UP'.... but unless we've heard the full story, and taken the time to listen beyond our assumptions and understand from the other person's perspective - (that he was in fact told this by his mom when he was an adult, and reveals a whole lot about his relationship with his mom and what kind of nurture or lack thereof he was brought up with, and what is likely rattling around in his psyche these days) - we won't understand what really went on.... which is sad, and does not help with the relationship building process.

we can spend so much time defending our understanding of things we miss out on the other side of the story....

oh, the wise insights from a wise, wise man, jack handey....

Radical Recycling #2: junk mail

ok, if we were to make a goal of never throwing out a single piece of junk mail, and recycling it ourselves (no blue bins)... in no time we'd have quite the supply... but the supply for what?

1. papier mache / decoupage / collage: artistic endeavors galore.
pro: huge selection of colors, textures, etc.
con: leftovers = scraps and paper bits everywhere, glue fumes (bad for my asthma)

2. paper making: cut it up, soak it, make your own paper.
pro: green as the day is long
con: humidity = mildew potential (need good exhausting capabilities), time and space for drying.

3. tear it up and use it for kitty/rabbit litter... anyone tried this?
pro: free
con: toxic ingredients in paper = dead pets...???

this one's actually intriguing to me...

4. paper quilling supplies....
pro: free, green, and FUN!!! if it's your thing
con: tedious if it's not

...huh, i've never had the slightest interest in paper quilling until now... the colors and textures you'd get from the various inks on the pages would be cool... hee hee hee.... most quilling is so cutesy it's nauseating... but green grunge quilling? kewl...!!!

so c'mon, guys....any other ideas for recycling junk mail (sans blue box)...?????

Radical Recycling #1: Dead Mice

ok, i'm going to try working on a series of entries on radical recycling. i was talking to a friend tonight about an old toy mouse her cat found in the closet... i thought at first she meant a real mouse, but no, it was a toy mouse, although it WAS made of real fur.... and it sparked this question...

in our green era of recycling and reusing EVERYTHING...how COULD you recycle a dead mouse???

some ideas:

1. skin the wee carcass, tan the hide, and turn the fur into a cat toy.
pro: utilization of the byproduct of those helpful mousers we employ...
con: the cat may prefer the toy mouse to the real and discontinue mousing.

2. boil the skin off the skeleton and use the bones for toothpicks or appetizer 'forks'.
pro: no plastic products coming in contact with food or oral surfaces.
con: disgust or nausea.

3. if you have a big mouse problem (or prolific outdoor mouser)... you could use the fur(s?), and make a patchwork fur coat. very retro!
pro: stylin', and PETA can't complain, the cat killed it, survival of the fittest...
con: rAHther tedious, dahlink.... not to mention how drafty the coat would be considering all those puncture holes from the cat's incisors...

got any other ideas? please comment! :D

nekked turdle?

haha, i love this 'thought to ponder' (from the google gadget in my sidebar):

If a turtle doesn't have a shell is he homeless or naked?

short and sassy

obamicon.me

hair confessions

pretty much everybody knows i love my little kinkies....

...me wee dreddies...!!!

but...
bah humbug...

i'm cutting my hair off.
dreddies go bye-bye.
wah.
i love my dreddies.
i will miss them immensely.
i WILL grow them back!!!
YES I WILL!!!!
but they gotta go...

why?

been pullin' too much.
trichotillomania.
it's thinnin' out.
gotta chop it off...
and let it all grow in again.
and hopefully throw a wrench in the pullin' streak.
dang it.
too stressed lately.
once it gets going, it's unstoppable.
many times in my life i've buzzed my hair...
all trying to put an end to the pulling...
and to let my hair grow in again.

fresh start?
i suppose.
but so sad. :(
feels more like failure....

what book am i?

You're The Dictionary!

by Merriam-Webster

You're one of those know-it-all types, with an amazing amount of
knowledge at your command. People really enjoy spending time with you in very short
spurts, but hanging out with you for a long time tends to bore them. When folks
really need an authority to refer to, however, you're the one they seek. You're an
exceptional speller and very well organized.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

been away

i spent two days/nights at a friends house. it was good to get away. needed a change of scenery. it was an escape of sorts. holiday. out of my rut. got blessed. and got to bless.

but is good to be home. its nice when you can fall back into the little routines you have at home, comforting. boiling water for coffee. drawing the blinds at a certain time of day. checking email on my laptop - on my own computer, that has everything set up the way i like it... little luxuries.

have had a nasty headache today. left side of my head only, it dances around my face, around my eye, teeth, ear, temple, forehead, cheek, neck, nose, lips... the main part of the pain at different places at any given moment. ow. the music at church just knifed into my skull...

should take some pain killers, i guess. but it's not always good to numb out the pains in life. pain tells us something is wrong. i've spent too much of my life ignoring pain of various sorts (be it physical, mental, or emotional), so it's almost refreshing to *feel* it. to pay attention to it. it's different.

but still. take some pain pills, girl.

sighs

Your Depression Level: 84%

You seem to be severely depressed. You should seek immediate attention from your physician. Depression can be cured - you just need to take the first step.

Are You Depressed?

kitty!!!!!!

teeny weenie

amazing.

auditory

You Are a Auditory Learner

You tend to remember what you hear, and you have a knack for speaking well. You excel at debating, foreign languages, and music. You would be an excellent diplomat - or rock star!

What's Your Learning Style?

deep russian

Your Depression Level: 68%

You seem to have moderate depression. Your symptoms are bad enough that they're effecting your everyday life. You would benefit greatly from professional help.

Are You Depressed?

can i say duh?

Your Ideal Pet is a Cat

You're both aloof, introverted, and moody. And your friends secretly wish that you were declawed!

What's Your Ideal Pet?

i am rain

and guess what it's doing outside?!

You Are Rain

You can be warm and sexy. Or cold and unwelcoming. Either way, you slowly bring out the beauty around you. You are best known for: your touch Your dominant state: changing

What Type of Weather Are You?

a-woke with a-jolt

this morning i heard my alarm go off at 8 am ... i remember thinking, gee, i better get up, laying here and listening to the horrible stuff on the news isn't the greatest thing for me to be absorbing semi-consciously....

.... then the phone rang, and jolted me awake - disoriented, nauseous... looked at the clock - it was a little after noon!!!! i had slept through the alarm (meaning at least two hourly news broadcasts, and whatever other fodder they decided to talk about on the radio), and well beyond....

i hate mornings like that. it's like my day starts off with me in a weird state of mind, and where it goes from there, who knows. it's like when you've got to the top of a rollercoaster hill, and then you start feeling the decent - you're no longer grounded by gravity. floaty. weird feeling. right now i'm kinda grumpy, feel over-tired, and like i want to go back to bed (i've had enough of this ride!!! lemme off!!!) - but i know i'll feel even worse if i do. so i gotta ride it out, instead. *sighs*

my body must have really needed the extra sleep, for me to sleep through the entire duration of the alarm (it goes for two hours if you don't hit snooze or turn it off).

but boy, now i feel like crap. *rubs aching forehead*

amazin grace

yup, that's steven tyler.

cotton eyed joe - nina simone

Our Great God

Eternal God, unchanging, mysterious and unknown
Your boundless love unfailing, in grace and mercy shown
Bright seraphim in ceaseless flight around Your glorious throne
They raise their voices day and night in praise to You alone

Hallelujah! Glory be to our great God!
Hallelujah! Glory be to our great God!

Lord, we are weak and frail, helpless in the storm
Surround us with Your angels, hold us in Your arms
Our cold and ruthless enemy, his pleasure is our harm
Rise up, oh Lord, and he will flee before our Sovereign God

Let every creature in the sea and every flying bird
Let every mountain, every field and valley of the earth
Let all the moons and all the stars in all the universe
Sing praises to the living God, who rules them by His word

useless information

i suppose of you read the book it might mean something.... but is it enough to make me want to buy it? heck no.

I took the 43 Things Personality Quiz and found out I'm a Spiritual Self-Improving Builder

it's too bad the most interesting result of the quiz (which is short and kinda cheezy) is not part of the code for embedding it on your blog - which is the statistical percentile info:

"0% of the 42272 people who have taken this quiz are like you."

yay, i'm unique and one of a kind. one in 42,000+, anyways. i needed to be reminded of that fact... *rolls eyes* ...it gets lonely being the only one like me in the world.

fun tweaking!

the original image, taken in poor light by my laptop webcam... ergo the smurf face!

















color balanced, and added the dark edges (forget what it's called...)



















and then i had lots of fun, and i forget all of what i did....



















emo elven princess...




















technocolor goth babe




















broadway drama queen...




















and finally, just me... well, the pretty version of me!












ah, yes.... there's much fun to be had at picnik....

He NEVER lets go of me!!!!!

You Never Let Go (Even Though I Walk) - Matt Redman



i SO love this song....

hinge rant!!!

AARRGGHH!!!!!! why don't the designers of bathrooms make the bottom cabinet door *closest to the toilet* so that they open towards the toilet instead of away from it?!?

i mean, the most logical place to store the stuff you need most often, like TP (or certain *other products*) is... closest to wear you need them, duh: right beside the throne. ...but here you are, trying to streeetch and reeaach around the door to get to what you need...

if they just put the hinges on the other side, so it opened towards the toilet, how much easier would that be? OH the simplicity of accessing the necessities... instead of being forced to make like a contortionist and reach and stretch in poses that make you go 'ouch!'.....

...but then, tsk tsk, ...that would destroy the market for those tubular TP storage tube thingies, that i'm sure exist for the sole reason that the hinges are on the wrong side of the cupboard door~!!!!!! aarrgghh!!!!!

the simple hinge.... dear designers - time for a paradigm-shi... um, er... hinge-shift!!!!! :D

your dirty water

went for a quick shop today... while getting out of my ride's vehicle, the combination of picking up my grocery bag from the dirty melted water on the floor mat, and dropping my keys in the snow and picking them up and my hands getting wet, caused me to break out into song.... "and if i washed my hands in YOOOR DIR-ty wah-TER....."

my ride kinda looked at me like, what the heck...?! lol

but here it is - a dandy blast from the past for ya....


"dirty water" from rock & hyde, circa 1987.

despereaux

hint, pause the video, right click and zoom in once, then play... you see more of the video... kewl!!!