a foot in two worlds

to preface this, i am talking about believers. [ie not all non- or un- churched are un-believers, and not all who aren't currently involved in a church are not there because they are avoiding truth, and buried in sin, ok?]

i sometimes feel like i have a foot in two worlds.

i have my circle of friends *in* the church.... and i have my friends who are not *in* the church - mostly mentally ill.

oftimes it seems the goal is to get the mentally ill believers to come to church, then everything will be *a ok*. as tho..... *then* they'll get better... or *then* the problem is solved.

except it doesn't work that way.

sometimes they can't go to church because of the sheer volume of people - really triggers symptoms. can do that person in emotionally, as well as physically, for days.

sometimes they are extremely socially awkward. and well, when you feel awkward, others feel awkward, and awkwardly have a brief halloo, then awkwardly walk away. (this would be me.)

sometimes a person has a non-socially acceptable behavior that they cannot control, and people hold them at arms length 'until they get that under control'. i have to be very careful a lot of times to *not* instinctively bawl my friends out for saying something totally inappropriate, they can't help it, it's the nature of their illness, and withdrawing my love because of it doesn't help them one bit in growing their relationship with Christ.

my *home* is in the church. but, in a lot of ways, i relate better to the mentally ill. i am one of them. so i comprehend and have compassion for things most people don't have a clue about, and also feel most accepted and understood by my mentally ill friends much of the time, especially when i'm struggling. (it's a beautiful, rare soul that can comprehend it when they haven't been there themselves.... but these gifts from God... they are definately around! ;) )

what my heart cries out for is for these two worlds to mesh. where the mentally ill person can not come to church, or is free to stand up and sit as their twitching muscles demand (an extremely uncomfortable side-effect of medications), and not expect them to *sit still* and *behave*.

the *us and them* mentality breaks my heart. i know mentally ill people who are more grounded and stable in their faith than some people who are in church... and yet, the mentally ill one not attending church is somehow automatically considered to be *lesser* in their faith somehow.

we can say, *come as you are*, but when the reality is that you get the message that if you can't conform to the cultural norms of church, then really, should you be there..... how truthful is *come as you are*?

i have been in this church for 10 years, and struggle with being 'normal' and fitting in best i can. it is *hard*. and i am relatively "high-functioning". how much harder is it for those who are less-functionable?

i think and see and feel differently from most people. but with similarities to most of my mentally ill friends. i understand them. they understand me. and i think to most people it's a foreign language... or like we are from another planet, even, sometimes.

but please understand this: this church is AWESOME with accepting people as they are... even mentally ill people. (i think many churches fail miserably at this.) but i see that we can go SO MUCH FARTHER....

functioning people who have always functioned well have a hard time understanding what life is like for a person for whom basic day to day functioning is difficult... i can understand that. but to say, 'i don't get them' is basically proving that one has not gotten in the other person's shoes enough to relate to them. without relating, where's the relationship? there is none.

leprosy... i know in the bible it's a metaphor for sin. but it's also a metaphor for those who feel outcast for various reasons. i feel like going and starting a church for this kind of leper.... which is unfortunate. because there should be no separation.

in this area, it's not so much the leper that need's healing... it's the rest of us... who are lacking in grace and compassion.

when the emphasis is on excellence and big 'capacity' believers (i HATE that term), the rest of us just feel.... outside.