devo... rest

"What have you done in the past when you felt weak physically? You could not do anything. You ceased from doing. In your weakness, you leaned on the shoulder of a strong loved one. You leaned completely on someone else and rested, becoming still, and trusting in another's strength.

"It is the same when you are tempted to despair under spiritual afflictions. Once you have come close to the point of despair, God's message is not, "Be strong and courageous" (Josh 1:6), for He knows that your strength and courage have run away. Instead, He says sweetly, "Be still, and know that I am God" (Ps. 46:10).

..."This is all God asks of you as His dear child. When you become weak through the fierce fires of affliction, do not try to 'be strong." Just, "be still and know that [He is] God." and know that He will sustain you and bring you through the fire."

-from Streams in the Desert, may 10 (i highly recommend this devo...)

this is where i currently find myself.... in many ways, due to things God has spoken to my heart recently, i have more peace in my heart than i have had in months... spiritual peace and rest, i guess. but when it comes to daily life, i long for departing from this place and being present with Him... i'm exhausted from slogging through day to day, one step in front of the other.... i'm ready to stop and rest... but i can't, in the sense that day to day life keeps going on, so i have to keep going on... but i'm so tired. i long to rest, to not be pushing pushing pushing every day... simply to get through another day.

no matter how hard i try, i simply cannot 'do better!' as i'm always telling myself, and manage things. i can manage *some* things, but in doing some, others slide... and i simply cannot stay on top of the whole pile.

i work on eating properly, and housework, creativity, finances... slide.
i work creativity.... my house becomes a disaster and everything slides.
i work on finances, and.... bills get paid, but there's nothing else, and.......

i can't focus little bits of my time on each thing... i go all or nothing.... when i'm creative, i don't even see the house i'm walking around in getting more messy, or remember to eat, or forget that i haven't paid bills and i just need some new yarn..... poof, money gone. and i'm like, what the heck happened? then i switch gears and i'm all into eating proper meals, and i'm cooking and baking... and the dishes are piling up becuase i'm focused on the food and process of doing it i don't see the trail behind me until i turn around and go 'what hurricane blew through here!' ...oh, wait, it was me.... and the mess is too big, all my money went on food and bills didn't get paid, and i got bread coming out the wazoo..... and those crafts i was working on two weeks ago are still sitting there, collectin dust...... i work on listening to my body and sleeping when it says sleep, and.... i sleep all the time and there's nothing else happening... when i'm awake i wander around the house like it's someone elses house, it looks so foreign, i don't know what to eat, or how to clean it up, and..... feeling like an intruder, go back to sleep.

it's a dizzying cycle. it has to do with the massive compartmentalization of my brain.... i can't expect it to operate like everyone else's, my counsellor tells me.... and yet i expect it to... and how the expectation over myself to 'get it together' if i only 'just focus better'....... or try just a 'little bit harder'.....

i do not want to 'give up'.... i either need a smaller pile to manage on my own (how would that work any better, what with my cycling brain?) ...or help in managing the pile (the strong shoulder of another to lean on).... and yet still be a self-directed, autonomous individual (in Christ, of course).... so my cycling brain can focus on.... what it can focus on... and on the meantime the other parts of the pile *aren't* sliding, they are being held up...... and yet not totally dependant on others.... oh, that sounds like a dream, too good to be true. impossible. it seems i'll always be slogging.... sinking... hopeless.

i do get a lot of help in life.... help in helping me to manage the pile on my own. even with the help, i cannot manage the pile on my own. why? sheesh.... 'just do better, lynnie, you can do better', i tell myself... and i try... and don't. i'm always sliding down one side of the pile as i'm trying to shore up another side....

and then i beat myself up for 'letting' the other side slide, as i'm trying to hold up this side, and the watch the rest slide.... and somehow it's *my fault* for somehow *letting* the other side go.... *sighs*

oy.... it's the pile. and i get this thing that tells me, 'oy, lynnie, you should be like the hind on the high place.... figure out what you are doing wrong and you'll get up there, God promises... so what's the problem?'.... and it's all my fault. and i try... and try... and try..... and am so condemned.

am so freakin' tired, i want to sleep... i am mentally, physically, and emotionally drained.... i *need* rest. but i have laundry to do, dishes to keep up on, bills and finances to figure out, a body to feed and exercise, friends who need my friendship.... so i keep on keeping on..... and keep on shoring up one side of the pile, and watching the others slide as i have my arms full....

it's a crazy-making hopelessness-bringing situation, i tell ya. i want to just sit down on the side of the pile and sleep.

be still and know that He is God...... but the bills still got to be payed, the laundry still has to be done, etc... and unless God sends down His angels to do those things, i still gotta rise and do them.... no physical, mental, emotional rest. spiritual rest, yes...... but not the others.

and i don't know what to do. i'm just so exhausted from trying to 'be strong'... when i'm not.

:'(

this scene comes to mind.... only instead of 'sadness'.... it's.... life. the fight to keep my head above the mud.... and the struggle to find the reason to keep fighting... and trying to understand how 'resting in God' comes into it - without the result being... sinking...? oy....