"i would only be happy - or, i could finally live life - if only....."
if only i could get my house in order. if only i could get over this *thing* that keeps me from the sink full of dishes. if only i could get on top of this pile of sliding mud, and stay there - finally.
i *cant* do these things. and i think it's partly because i am idolizing those 'states of being'. idolizing the goal of functional 'independance' and total 'ability' to do those things most ppl take for granted doing as a normal part of day to day life.
learning to be content in lack is more than just provisional lack. it's lack of ability and independance. its a lack of any reason to boast in my housekeeping skills. it's lack of feeling useful, even.
comes down to being vs doing.
i think martha shamed mary because she chose to sit instead of do.
how much more unfair would it be if - even while knowing she is at the feet of her Lord - she was being shamed even though she couldn't get up and *do* even if she wanted. if she was -blessedly- stuck at the feet of Jesus - but stuck nonetheless.
how could she forsake the world and sit at Jesus' feet and feel content there - as she should - when every other voice is screaming GET UP!!! JESUS HAS NOW LEFT THE BUILDING! TIME'S UP!!! NOW GET OFF YOUR LAZY A&&!!! ....ignoring that you *would* if you just had legs to stand on...?!
how to be content in that? how to lay down ones own expectations of what they should be able to do? of how they should be able to, once their time at Jesus' feet is 'done', get up and get busy with?
how does one get past the guilt, shame, and condemnation of something they cannot change, in and of themselves... and that the Almighty Sovereign Lord is, for whatver reason, not changing either?
Oh, to forsake this confusing world. i would that i could sit at Jesus feet with *no* concern about these other things i can't take care of. it's the tyranny of the shoulds.
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