just my toes is not enough

found a thought provoking quote at another blog...

"This is my endlessly recurrent temptation: to go down to that Sea (I think St. John of the Cross called God a sea) and there neither dive nor swim nor float, but only dabble and splash."

--C. S. Lewis, "A Slip of the Tongue," in The Weight of Glory, page 187.

for me i feel this endless fatigue, like i want so much to get in the water, but can barely get my toe in the water before i collapse, and try to be content with the little when i want so much more....

and i try, over and over, to work up the energy to just slide down into the water, but i only manage to get close enough to dip my toe in the water...

so often i identify with the man at the pool of bethesda...

John 5:2 Now there is in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate a pool, which is called in Hebrew, Bethesda, having five porches. 3 In these lay a great multitude of sick people, blind, lame, paralyzed, waiting for the moving of the water. 4 For an angel went down at a certain time into the pool and stirred up the water; then whoever stepped in first, after the stirring of the water, was made well of whatever disease he had.

5 Now a certain man was there who had an infirmity thirty-eight years. 6 When Jesus saw him lying there, and knew that he already had been in that condition a long time, He said to him, “Do you want to be made well?”

7 The sick man answered Him, “Sir, I have no man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up; but while I am coming, another steps down before me.” (nkjv)

instead of blaming the man for not getting into the pool, not trying harder, not believing, or 'failing to recieve' healing, Jesus in His compassion just heals him.

so often people say, lynne, stop identifying with your illness, get going! stop agreeing with the enemy by sitting there, get into that pool!

i can only imagine the hunger in that man after 38 years. 38 years desiring healing. 38 years desiring to do what needs to be done. 38 years of trying and failing. 38 years of it being out of reach of his abilities. 38 years of the promise of healing being so close... yet so far.

Jesus didn't blame the man for not getting into the pool; instead, Jesus brought the 'pool' of healing - Himself - to the man.

He, the One with the power in His very words to create and heal, spoke to the man the ability to get up. the man did not have that ability until Jesus spoke it to him.

i think so often we forget that. God has a timing in store, and holds no blame, impatience, or frustration with us while we are struggling before that time. in our frail state, the only ability we have is what He gives us. to often we are trying to pull up our bootstraps, and then feel condemned because there are no bootstraps to be found!!!

continuing the verse:

8 Jesus said to him, “Rise, take up your bed and walk.” 9 And immediately the man was made well, took up his bed, and walked.

notice the man was made well before he took up his bed. Jesus didn't demand that he take up his bed in order to obtain healing! ...any more, i suspect, than God expects us to do the impossible before He anoints us to do it. ...in any area or facet of life.

Matthew Henry said about this:

"Arise, and walk. God's command, Turn and live; Make ye a new heart; no more supposes power in us without the grace of God, his distinguishing grace, than this command supposed such power in the impotent man: it was by the power of Christ, and he must have all the glory. What a joyful surprise to the poor cripple, to find himself of a sudden so easy, so strong, so able to help himself! The proof of spiritual cure, is our rising and walking."

-- Matthew Henry's Concise Commentary (source) (emphasis mine.)

so here i am, in desperate spiritual hunger, desperate to slide into the water so deeply that i am totally immersed... but barely getting my toes wet.

and i want so much more.