i'm having a moment

one of those moments where i feel i'm burning out. mom wants me to stay in the hospital with her, this will be my second night, and i feel like i'm NOT getting the basic rest i need, physically, mentally, or emotionally. no time outs. i had no chance to spend time with God today outside of church. i'm running out of apples in my basket.

my family doesn't seem to get how i'm feeling, or how much mom doesn't want to be alone.... so it's all on ME to stay with her.... it's on MY shoulders. (i'm not speaking spiritually - i'm speaking about physically who's taking on the most.) at least it is in the physical, if no one will help me out in that area.... mom wants me to help her have a bath.... but it took me a week to muster up the energy to have my own, and sometimes i'm feeling like i'm almost falling over from fatigue but i have to help her in every little thing she can't do for herself, like fetch ice water, or unplug her iv machine, or wash her toes....

"hey little girl with the pressures of the world on your shoulders..." (tobymac, 'irene')... no wonder i've had a sore back! i am definately relying on God for strength... becuase i'm already at a place where i have NONE. yet, the promise, "as your day is, so shall your strength be".... so i keep plugging along.

spiritually i am so at peace with mom's condition.... but i'm straining physically and mentally, i'm just drained.... and i physically need rest. and time in the vineyard with God.

most importantly, time in the vineyard.... and 48 hours of sleep.

so i need to toe the fine line of setting 'godly boundaries' (is there really such a thing?).... with my mom, with my family, and most of all MYSELF - because i am the one who has diffulty saying, "i can't do that," and sticking to my guns.

my uncle just phoned from the hospital, that mom was wondering if i was still coming... i said 'yes'. he said 'when?' what i SAID was "i don't know."

what i FELT like screaming was "whenever i get the freakin' energy to get up off this here ball and gather some clothes and find mom's will and change my clothing and drive over to the hospital to spend the night with my sick mother and have little/poor sleep.... and you? when the heck are you going to stay overnight so i can get some rest? who do you think i am, wonderwoman?"

oooh, snarky, snarky.

teenage angst

ooohhh the memories this brings to mind....

dancing

i should be so lucky...

... to get cracked up yet again by these gals!


just the song:


funny gals, them French & Saunders

crack me up!

first watch:

then watch:

looking forward down this road

hmm, i must say, oddly enough (at least to those with non-eternal vision i suppose), i'm rather looking forward to this time in my life. what? you're mom is dying lynne, how could you say that?

Along the Road

I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chattered all the way.
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow
And ne'er a word said she;
But oh, the things I learned from her
When Sorrow walked with me!

- Robert Browning

why? becuase it will be a time of growth for me. i don't think it's possible for God to take things away from us, and we don't grow! it's like pruning - new growth comes.

i'm one of those strange people who, when they hear of someone going through some difficulty in their lives, i get all excited and rub my hands together, and yelp, "oh goodie, God's doing something great here! whoo hoo!" bananas? maybe... if you don't see things eternally. it doesn't mean i don't acknowledge or feel empathy for what the person's going through - is just see the end of it all and it just stokes me! it fires me up, to see the purposes of God at work in our lives! whoo hoo!

and here i am, my mom's health is rapidly declining, and barring another miracle (she's been a walking miracle for two years), she's going to die sometime in the near future... as mickie said at cell, these are basically my mom's last days.

my mummy, who i have depended on so much in my life.
my mummy, who's been there through thick and thin.
my mummy, who patches my owies and hugs me whenever i want it.
my mummy, who i haven't always gotten along with on certain matters...
but that doesn't matter, becuase...
she's my mummy!!!!!

but that's ok... cuz i know where she's gonna be.

thursday i found an old torn out page of an our daily bread devotional (rbc ministries). i haven't a clue what year it was from, but it's dated 'tuesday, april 29th'. and one line, regarding angels' duties, stuck out at me: "finally, they accompany each believer at death into the presence of the Lord. (Luke 16:22, 2 Cor 5:8)." so i looked those verses up.

Luke 16:22 - "So it was that the beggar died, and was carried by the angels to Abraham's bosom."

2 Corinthians 5:8 - We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord.

wow. i'm determined more, now than ever, for mom to be able to die at home. where there are no annoying beeps and blips. decent food, and prune juice whenever she wants it! sitting and talking and hugging and holding hands. watching movies and cable tv together. washing her face, rubbing her feet, combing her hair. playing music on the piano, singing in her ear, and reading the bible to her when she's comatose. me being at least in the general vicinity when she 'gives up the ghost' and is accompanied by those angels into the presence of the Lord. yeah. cool.

will the circle be unbroken

i was standin' by my window
one cold and cloudy day
when i saw that hearse come rollin'
for to carry my mother away

oh will the circle be unbroken
by and by, Lord, by and by
there's a better home awaitin'
in the sky Lord, in the sky

well i told that undertaker
undertaker, please drive slow
for that lady you are haulin'
Lord i hate to see her go

oh will the circle be unbroken
by and by, Lord, by and by
there's a better home awaitin'
in the sky Lord, in the sky

well i followed close behind them
i tried to hold up and be brave
but i could not hide my sorrow
when they laid her in that grave

oh will the circle be unbroken
by and by, Lord, by and by
there's a better home awaitin'
in the sky Lord, in the sky

mom is in the hospital

which is a good thing right now, she's getting checked over and un-dehydrated, and all nutritioned-up. hopefully she'll be coming home soon.

beckley is planning a work bee for getting things set up here for when mom comes home, if anyone's interested give her a call.

and now i'm signing off, becuase i'm a so stinkin' tired i could knock myself out with my own stink(ing fatigue) lol.

...hopefully tomorrow i'll have the energy, oomph and time - all at once - to have a shower tomorrow.... cuz i need it desperately. why waste time taking care of yourself when you have a dying mother and dear friends in massive pain to take care of? lol.... i know, i know, i'm being silly, but it's all been run run run no time to slow down and take care of me. highest on my priority list for myself right now is time spent with God - if i'm giving constantly giving out grapes, i gotta be visiting that vineyard and picking them regularly.... and that definately comes before bathing, much to the chagrin of my friend's noses when they smell my toeses, i supposes.... but i hope i'm erroneous on that one.

oh what a beautiful night

wow, the haze/fog was so beautiful... it made soft glowing orbs around the streetlights and such. it was 2:00am... just leaving the hospital to drop tanya off at home (yeah, she needed another shot for her migraine).... it's not often i'm out driving at 2:00am, but it reminds me how much i love nighttime, how much i love this time of year, how much i love this part of bc.

God rocks. and now i'm going to bed.

oh, and my sacroiliac joint may be acting up again... it's puffy and warm in that area of my back. too much slouching on this chair in front of the puter? no, i've not been on the puter much... mostly sitting on the couch keeping mom company i think. baaaad for my back. gotta get my ball out and sit on that for a few days again.... hopefully the swelling will go down! but no matter what it does....

God rocks. and now i'm going to bed.

tired to the bone

well, it's likely to happen sometimes, eh? i've been on the run so much the last week, i've caught a cold, and/or a sinus thing again. i slept this afternoon for like 3 hours on the couch (not at all comfortably), and half the time i slept on top of my puffer in my pocket! gar! no wonder the couch felt even more bumpy than usual.

i've been running around in a few different ways:

running tanya to the medical clinic and the hospital over and over again - heck, if i'm tired she's gotta be more tired having had a horrible migraine for almost a week AND doing all that running around! peeps, pray it goes away, ok?

also, i've been doing major grocery shopping for mom. she's not so mobile anymore... and it's hard to find things that appeal to her teeny-weeny appetite... not to mention she's doped out on morphine now - even if she had the energy to drive, i don't think she could. as of yesterday, i am principle driver re: the car insurance. which means the monthly payments almost doubled. bah humbug.

i've also been feeling the need to get the heck out of the house!... spending lots of time at pams or out with friends or whatever, just not at home. lots of time driving. seeing lots of wild animals - another fox today.

anyways, something i'm considering doing is chronicling these last days of me and mom's life together in a blog.... whatcha all think? .... so the things that some people may not like to read/think about will not be on my main blog, but in a separate place, eh? sigh.... i dunno. i just don't want it to be a bummer for people. should i write it here, or start a separate blog?

i'm tired to the bone, i'm gonna hit the sack as soon as i have the energy to get up from my chair, drink my prune nectar/pomegranate tea concoction, brush my teeth, and go to my room. 'go to your room, right now, young lady!'

ow, my head hurts.

hmm, any body remember, 'gee, your hair smells terrific!' ????

when i wash my hair, it smells like tea tree oil, lol.

faithful to the end....

watch this adorable e-card (a mini movie!). kimmers sent it to me, and it's absolutely adorable, the graphics are so simple and yet it's so moving and effective... and encouraging for one feeling tired in life, as i am right now.

the milk that was left behind

so at church today mike (my pastor) shared about how TRUTH is the currency in God's kingdom, how God gives us KEYS (truth) to open doors of blessing, power, healing, whatever... anything God has for us, man....!!!

1 Peter 2:2 (nkjv) - "as newborn babes, desire the pure milk of the word, that you may grow thereby"....

mike shared how Dr. Paul Brandt said, in his book "God's forever feast", that mother's milk (as we all know) is the PERFECT food.... well, that's what God's Word is to us, the purest, most perfect food for our growth and spiritual health.

so i'm munchin' on this on my way out of the service, makin' like a cow and chewin' my daily cud....

...when i get into the car to LEAVE, i turn the KEY in the ingnition, and the tape deck starts playing in the middle of a song by heather clark ('raise a shout' from her undivided focus album [lyrics as i heard them and jotted them down]):

...i'm LEAVING,
i will run the race!
and i will persevere!
i will press on for the goal that is near!

raise up a shout!
that breaks the heavy yoke
and i'll dance
to make the enemy choke!
i clap my hands
in a wild applause
cuz i know my saviour reigns... whoo!

i'll break the yoke of heaviness
and i will not settle for less!!!
i will loose the bonds
let the oppressed go free
i will go forth in victory!!!

now that's TRUTH, straight from the Word of God! and yeah, i was feeling heaviness, tiredness, fatigue.....really feeling like i needed more of God's "come all who are weary and heavy laden and i will give you rest" goin' on in my life.... well, as my day is, so shall my strength be!!!! i'll be ploddin' along, i will persevere, i'll run the race, i will go forth in victory, whoo!

raise up a shout!
that breaks the heavy yoke
and i'll dance
to make the enemy choke!
i clap my hands
in a wild applause
cuz i know my saviour reigns... whoo!

RAHHH! whoo hoo yah, God is good!

that was encouraging, thanks, God! (i thought that as though thats ever all God has for us, eh? lol)...then i drive out onto the highway access road, but i feel to go right (instead of left, the usual route towards town), then cross the highway... then i feel to get out of the car and go stand near the river bank, no - closer, over to the right, closer to the edge.... until finally i can see all the way down the sheer drop of the bank (30'-50' or so?).... and right there before me (uh, below me...) was a beautiful duck just sitting there quietly on a rock, peaceful and still, just feathers rufflin' a bit in the breeze, head swivelling around... georgeous reddish-brown head, with that pointed little peak on the back of it's head.... beautiful black and white markings on the rest of it's body....

...and i thought, how cool, i'm seeing a duck sitting down and resting, instead of flying or swimming or diving - busy with life..... just resting, at peace, on THE ROCK... kewl, thanks God!.... yet i felt there was more i was there to see....

so, wondering what i was there to see, i thought of how last week a child gave me $120 in play money (which i felt was a promise from God for His provision!!!), i thought, well maybe God would have me find $20 or something on the ground! (lol) ...so i glance around me at the ground, nothing there, just pretty, green, lush moss. hmm. i rest my eyes on the duck again, and no sooner had i focused on him than he peacefully lift his little tailfeathers, and a literal stream of milky whiteness flowed out, all over the rock.

i just kinda hung my mouth open for a few seconds, then giggled... God, You led me here to see THAT?!

[it was one of those too hilarious coincidences to be a coincidence, y'know? no such thing as a coincidence, and one thing i'm learning about my God is how wacky a sense of humor He has! it was totally God.]

so on my way home i was musing... what did the duckies doo-doo have to doo-doo with me....?!

well, mike had spoken this morning about the pure MILK of the Word of God.... and that was definately milky... but coming out a bird's rear end....?!

well, in order for it to come out one end, it had to go in the other.... and then be DIGESTED... i mean, really taken in, digested, broken down, it's nutrients made available to the body.... do we make like cows and chew the cud of Truth over and over again (which is a GOOD thing to do!) ...but never really digest it, never really take it in and absorb it and let it become an integral part of who we are? well, we NEED to take that milk, the pure MILK of God's Word and digest it thoroughly, absorb it, and have it become so much a part of us that we grow and flourish and become green, like that luscious moss....

ok, so what about us who are not so much "newborn babes" in the Lord anymore, and are not on milk so much, but MEAT?

well, same thing. whether we digest the milk OR, increasingly, the solid meat of God's Word, it's going to come out of us and flow out to others. "out of your bellies shall flow rivers of living water".... well, as the Holy Spirit flows through us, we wind up naturally feeding others with the TRUTH, with the Milk of God's Word that resides in us - that we digested and made our own, claiming it and believing it.... and the more a part of us it has become, the more it flows out of us, so that with barely the lift of our spiritual "tail-feathers", we make a mark in other people's lives, leaving a deposit, in their hearts, of the TRUTH that is the eternal commodity of the Kingdom of God.....

everywhere we go, where ever we go, we should be leaving deposits of God's truth behind us... and for sure, it is an infinately more enduring stain than that white splotch that duck left behind him could ever be!!!

(out of his belly flowed waters of living milk?)

some nina simone for ya

if you knew: ...ohmigosh, i want to play piano when i sing with the power and effectiveness she does.... drool...


here comes the sun:


sinnerman:


zungo:


and a song she does that i LOVE, but i could not find any video of her doing it, so heres one by jeff buckley that carries the same emotive qualites... the video is awesome, too:

ova de edge

lol, i didn't even know about this movie until tanya said it was SO GOOD and i had to watch it soon.... well, i never even clued in that it was an animated flick.... well, now i want to see it. having odourific emission problems myself, i can relate to stella. heehee

night creatures

tonight, about 9:00, i dropped my friend off at home and drove around for a bit.

well, directly across the street from the house i grew up in, i saw a huge owl. i saw him in the distance flutter across the road and land on the raised ground on the other side of the ditch, and when i moved close, i watched it for prolly almost a minute. and the song that was on my stereo? a gersh song that has the lines "who's my father, theres no other, who's my maker, Your my creator" (prolly not exactly right, i'm going from memory here!)... with the emphasis on the WHO's. anyways, the owl was beautiful, prolly standing 18" high, maybe more, and really big and round. just beautiful.

so anyways, i drove around a bit more, and on the street before i turn onto my street, i saw something dash across the road, with a big bushy tail with a bright white end... it was a fox! definately a fox, tho i've never seen what looked like a 'black and white' fox before! (but the light was definately bad, so it could really have been any combination of dark and white.) it looked at me for a few seconds, it's eyes catching the light, then it disappeared into the darkness. how cool was that!?!

i was thinking, hmm, a fox and an owl, i wonder if there's some story about owls and foxes... but i think i was thinking about 'the owl and the pussycat' maybe.

*******

so i just googled 'fox owl' and came up with a page that has a folktale from romania called "the seven-witted fox and the one-witted owl".... there's also a string game called "the owl and the fox".... a cute painting with the text "fox & owl extract" on it.... and a poem called "the owl and the fox".... neat~!

*******

nest (ack! i got birds on the brain! i meant to say...) NEXT, i googled for images. the owl looked pretty much identical to this one (they call it a goldeneye owl, but i think it's a great grey - i can't find anything on a goldeneye owl anywhere else!).... it also looked a lot like this great grey owl....and this great grey.... i think it was a great grey, lol....

and the fox? whoa, it sure wasn't in amongst all those red foxes, then i came across a picture that looks exactly like the one i saw, this little gal named devon, a 'silver-phase' red fox, who apparantly hangs out with a bunch of wolves!?!... and this cross-phase red fox.... and here's a red fox that's totally black! evidently they go through different color phases.

i'm interested about the red fox's color phases.... but not enough to google any more tonight. i'm not so much a ... what do you call those animal scientists? something more specific than biologist, lol... but not marine-biologist, as these are not aquatic animals! i can't even think of a word, that's how sleepy i am right now. i'm going to bed soon. soon! i mean it, tonight! i got church in the morning!

do not resuscitate

today mom signed a do not resuscitate (No CPR) order.

s'more johnny for ya

some johnny for ya

cloneliness is next to godliness - right!....?

Steve Taylor - I Want To Be A Clone

I've gone through so much other stuff
That walking down the aisle was tough
But now I know it's not enough -
I Want To Be A Clone.
I asked the Lord into my heart.
They said that that's the way to start,
But now you've got to play the part.
I Want To Be A Clone.

Be a clone and kiss conviction goodnight.
Cloneliness is next to godliness - RIGHT!
I'm grateful that they showed the way
'Cause I could never know the way
To serve him on my own -
I Want To Be A Clone.

They told me that I'd fall away
Unless I followed what they say;
Who needs the Bible anyway?
I Want To Be A Clone.
Their language, it was new to me,
But "Christianese" got through to me;
Now I can speak it fluently.
I Want To Be A Clone.

Be a clone . . .

"Send in the clones......"
(Uh, I kinda wanted to tell some of my friends and people about it,
you know?)
WHAT????
You're still a babe, you have to grow,
Give it twenty years or so.
'Cause if you want to be one of his,
Gotta act like one of US!

Be a clone . . .

So now I see the whole design:
My church is an assembly line.
The parts are there, I'm feeling fine.
I Want To Be A Clone.
I've learned enough to stay afloat,
But not so much I rock the boat.
I'm glad they shoved it down my throat -
I Want To Be A Clone!

(Everybody must get cloned)

the second chance

take me to your leader

i love the parallel of christians being aliens. nanoo nanoo. live long and prosper - can you say 'for eternity'? lol

first time i've ever seen this video. it totally suits my sense of humor and general wackiness... i think i'll keep it!

agnus dei

agnus dei... wow, that's so close to angus die.... as in, the slaughter of angus beef.... huh.

anyways, i love this song.

He reigns, all right!... and i rant

He reigns.... i love this song!.... and i especially dig the last quarter of this video, where everyone's dancing 'n' worshipping together...

(let it load before watching so it don't go stallin' on ya, as it's quite a high resolution video...)


*******

and now, my rant:

theres a VERY brief shot of a funky lookin' chubby lady... way kewl... but i find it sad that even this christian video, glorifying the Creator of all, is so glamourized to the point that 99% of the peeps in the video are AAA - above average attractiveness (ahem... according to the *world's* standards, that is... not necessarily God's).

a few micro-second shots of averagely-beautiful folk doesn't make the emphasis on the glamerous, AAA, 'beautiful people' any less real. it's simply there.

BAA HUMBUG.

aren't those of us who are BAAA - below above-average-attractiveness - or even BAA - below average attractiveness, period - part of the beautiful creation of the Majestic King they are glorifying? it seems to me to be stooping to the level of wordliness (on the part of whomever had the final decision on casting for this video) - where only the 'beautiful people' can represent the beauty of the King who reigns.

are not even the fungus among us glorious creations of our glorious God? are they not then beautiful? then why not the average-ly beautiful folks among us? like me? BAA HUMBUG.

i guess its just a symptom of how worldly we ALL are, whether we realize it or not.

*******

but they did one thing right, lol.... the fuschia-red hair on that one gal....

DROOL.

let yer freak flag fly, girl!

...so long as it's raised to the glory of God, of course! (...but we all know brightly coloured hair that SHOUTS is the best way to make His praise glorious, lol!)

well, hmm..... a general update

well, so hmm.... i'm feeling a lot better in general, still some sinus pain but a LOT better than i was (glory to God). i've not written too much the last day or two (ie. since i've gotten better, when i wasn't writing either), partly because i've been buzy buzy buzy, but also... i just can't seem to find many words.

on sunday a friend asked what was up, cuz i was quiet. i think i just shrugged, said there was nothin' really, life is pretty good, God's awesome, donchaknow....

today another friend asked how i was doin'... i answered with my quasi-usual response, something along the lines of 'well, physically, my head feels a lot better though i still have a bit of headaches goin' on, and i'm tired... but spiritually, great...God is good!'.... when i didn't really offer more than that, she asked if i realized what season it was. "SAD season?" i said.... yup, that's what she meant.

peeps are worried i'm getting depressed.

well, who knows...could be, but it just as easily might not be.

yeah, i'm tired. yeah, i'm quiet. yeah, i'm feeling a little 'apart' from the world in a way. a little off-step, off-kilter, off-beat, lol!

but to a large degree, it's that what God is doing in my life i have a hard time putting into words right now.

and i think that's why i'm a little 'off' from the temporal realm... right now i'm processing a lot of stuff in the spiritual.

like what?

well, as usual, ever more confirmation of what He's spoken to me, and through me to others.... a sense of awe at how God would use such an ordinary vessel as me.... a constant laying down of things i thought i'd already laid down, but don't ya know, that was only the outer layer of the thing(s) - the part i 'knew' about - that i laid down.... a sense of fatigue to the depths of my soul, that i *know* that i *know* that i *know* God's ordained so i will lean on Him - allowing His strength to be shown perfect and glorious in my weakness.... the ever-and-always sense of general inadequacy that needs to be continually beat down with the truth of God's sufficiency and perfection.... combating some new layers of 'issues' - particulary rejection issues with regards to *ever* getting married and having kids (i mean, who would ever want to marry a "fat *old* fart" like me? (yeah, body size issues, age issues, and body orafice emission issues... but nobody can accuse me of not having a sense of humour about it! lol).... which leads to, again, the laying down of something of the heart, where a *possibility* wants to exalt itself and tries to set itself up to be my source of potential 'hope', 'joy', 'peace' - when only God is all that.... and to top it off, dealing with the broken-heart of the broken-dreams i had of wanting to sing opera (but God took my life in a complete other direction) that i managed to stir up out of hiding, by listening to the stuff the last few days while i was sick....

so all in all, deep things, non-specific things, general things, and some specific heart dealings.....

and through it all, God is speaking to me, ministering to me, ministering through me, encouraging me, enabling me, leading me, showing me, using me... and i feel a little bit more-than-ever out of sync with the world around me....

well, so lynne, how are you doing...?

hmm, well, tired and headachy.... and awesome...because my God is amazing.

three queens, a pop, and a boy

one of my favorite arias, theQueen of the night, (the magic flute) by various divas:






and a fun pop version:


and a boy queen:

two colorfuls and a sublime

and one so beautiful it makes me want to faint, lol

somebody let me off!

i feel sick. i really wanted to go to the housewarming/b-day party tonight, but i've been 'up' for a half hour and already i'm feeling icky and like laying down - scratch that, going back to sleep....again. i slept from pretty much midnight until noon, then i had an appointment and went to that, when i got home i went to sleep for three more hours.... somebody let me off of the bus! i'm feeling seasick! i'm kinda wishing i'd stayed up and gone to see the doctor, but mom said maybe to wait, it could be the antibiotics making me feel sick, and i took the last one this morning.... but no improvement thus far, just feeling worse!

almost all the time i've had to rest the last couple days, i've watched youtube. can't you tell? but tonight i've watched only three or four videos, am now posting this, then i'm back to bed, exhausted with this evenings youtube marathon....ha.

i feel like i imagine this kitty might be feeling as it rides this exercise machine (it's called the Igallop - looks like fun):

nausea rocks, man! whoo hoo!

the evocation of moods

this little video demonstrates to me how even random notes on a keyboard can evoke some pretty powerful moods....



and how the simplist imagery combined with music can be so powerful:

three funnies

two satirical jibes:

this cracks me up!


a couple more of those, here and here.

*******

and one kitty lost in worship! woo hoo!!! lol

moose head, moose head

wow, today me an' tanya saw a real moose-head! it was so kewl!

someone had thrown it on the river's edge, a moose head with the antlers cut out of the skull. a big square opening in it's forehead. it stunk, too.

i started singin' this old ditty, except with the words, 'moose heads, moose heads' instead. we laughed like crazy! what a fun time! heehee



first saw this on mtv when i was still a yung un'. a cutting edge film, to be sure, lol!

real beauty campaign

this made me cry!!!!!!

casta *cough* diva *cough*

my all time favorite opera singer, montserrat caballe, in bellini's 'norma'. and pretty much my all time favorite opera song, casta diva. but you'll see why i gave up being an opera singer once i became a christian - i could never play roles like that.



omigosh, after listening to this, i'm practically drooling....

if i could do some of this, in a way that glorifies God, i'd be pretty happy, lol!

listen to the whole thing - and that's an ORDER!!!! lol... it's only ten minutes.... and if you don't fall in love with it, i'll be amazed!

oh, this brings back bittersweet memories....

*******

edited to add another favorite: from donizetti's 'lucrezia borgia' (10 minutes):



*******

and another, 'vissi d'arte' from tosca (only 3 minutes):



a few more:
"piangete voi?" from donizetti's anna bolena
Verdi's Il Trovatore, "D'amor sull'ali rosee" and "Miserere & Tu vedrai"
"Dove sono" from Mozart's le Nozze di Figaro
"Pace, pace mio Dio" from Verdi's Forza Act 4

indescribable

mississippi squirrel revival

i love, love, love this old song by ray stevens. it's a hilarious, yet piercing look at hypocrasy in the church - i love it! the video is cheesy, of course, but i love, love, love, listening to this drivin' down the highway, singin' along at the top of my lungs! whoo!



a few more ray steven's thingys for your viewing pleasure:

the streak
i'm my own grandpa
it's me again margret
ahab the arab
sittin up with the dead

i want more

darkness. chains. crying out... "i need .... i want...."

desperate for deliverance, needing ... everything.

but not knowing how... or where... to get it.

all that is known.... I WANT MORE.

there's got to be more..... more than... *this*....

*******

this was a favorite video of mine back in highschool... and now as i watch it, it really illustrates the hungry search of an empty heart, to find something to fill the empty void with.

love.

"i need all the love that i can't get to".... lost, hopeless, and desperate.

and yet.... His love is available.

and it's the only way.

swiss cheese - a key to happiness?

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.

~Rita Mae Brown

as my friends playing settlers of catan with me today can attest, holes in your memory is a pain in the neck! kind of funny sometimes, but not actually fun. swiss cheese for brains - it's frusterating!

No wise man ever wished to be younger.

~Jonathan Swift

yes, but.... today i feel old. not in spirit, but in body. i had so many years where i was sidelined with fatigue, on 'standby'... i feel like i'm only a few years older than that 16 year old girl that got so sick and wiped out and 'lost' 10 years of her life....not 32.

never mind the 'wasted' years.

someone told me today i looked 24. which was sweet! and helped me to feel like the still young person i guess i still am.... except that i have about.... wow.... 20 plus years of... 'stuff'... under my belt, stuff that should have never been in a young person's life.

but i have .... 8 years of a live lived for God under my belt, too. and one day, that will faarrr outweigh the 20-some years of.... a life lived for self, for flesh, in the world.

and i totally believe that a persons TESTIMONY - of where we've been, and where He's brought us to - is the biggest tool God gives us for ministering to this lost world, and ministering to hurting people.

if i had a time machine, and i could go back into the past to change things..... i wouldn't. all that *crap* is the manure God fertilized the ground of my heart with, in preparation for Him. who am i to mess with God's perfect, predestined plan?

a nugget in my heart

there is a place i love to go, a boat launch under a railroad bridge along a river. i went there as a child many times when i was hurting, with mom, and cried my heart out.

for many years i didn't go there, but now, as a maturing, adult woman, i go again to that place, as a place to spend time with God.

a few weeks ago i was there, praying about a dream i had, wondering if i should go to a certain someone and talk to them about it. i saw a seal pop its head out of the water a few times, so i threw a fleece before God: i don't know what to do, Lord, so if you really do intend for me to go to this person, confirm it by having the seal pop it's head out of the water again.

for the next while i sat there, thinking, what a stupid fleece, that seal's stuck it's head out of the water how many times now?- and i use that as a fleece? it should be something more obvious.

well, the seal never did stick it's head out of the water again.

so today, after having a blast this afternoon, and needing some quiet time with God, i went and watched the river. i felt like i didn't know what to ask God, so i just sat there, silent, watching the water. a train went by.... then a passenger train. and i thought of how i was a woman sitting in a lonely place, on my own, and how i have a tendency to feel scared... but i shouldn't, becuase Jesus is right there beside me, stronger than any protective daddy, bigger than any big brother, stronger and safer than the arms of any lover. and He's sitting right there beside me. and i started writing about Him, Who is there beside me, so that even when i am on my own, i'm not alone....

and i mulled over my day, i mulled over what i've read recently, i mulled over the beauty of the Lord. and i recalled something somebody said to me recently, and my heart quickened - could it be, Lord? .... and i laid it at His feet. i said, i will be like mary, and tuck it away in my heart, and leave it in God's hands. and if it's from God, it will be proven out in time.

and i glanced up out the windshield, and there in the river, right where my eyes landed, a seal head popped up out of the water.

i watched the water for a while longer, watching for the seal to pop up for air, it has to breathe, right? but it didn't. maybe it swam into the portion of the river that is in eyeshot, popped up it's head for me to see, just once, at that exact moment, and swam out away again around the corner. or maybe it was a seal that manifested itself according to the will of God at that exact moment... and then disappeared. either way.... synchronicity at it's finest.

but there are no coincidences.... no random molecules - or seals - in the entire universe.... only God.

whether it is something that will come to pass, i don't know, that's up to God. but to me, God confirmed that i should tuck it away in my heart, file it for later, and leave it safely in His hands. and so i will.

a nugget in my heart.

emerald green hearts

Where showers fall most, there the grass is greenest. I suppose the fogs and mists of Ireland make it "the Emerald Isle"; and whenever you find great fogs of trouble, and mists of sorrow, you always find emerald green hearts; full of the beautiful verdure of the comfort and love of God.

~C.H. Spurgeon

so i have a spout

it's come to my attention that it's difficult for me to receive compliments, particularly about a particular song we did in church that particularly touched some people. but also generally about certain talents God has given me and i'm making more use of these days.

i don't mean to be difficult - i just feel very strongly that God will not share His glory with another - and that includes me.

but... "God gave you these talents, right? you do your part, right?" and i feel, so strongly, a NO in my spirit! which hasn't seemed to make sense to anybody when i try to express that! lol

well, thinking upon it this morning, i saw a bunch of clay vessels, different shapes and different sizes, for different uses. and some had different shaped spouts for pouring out water in different ways, some for watering plants, for example, or for pouring out tea.

the different spouts are how God created certain vessels for His use. the teapot didn't create it's spout itself, and can take no credit for it. and when God uses that teapot to pour out His good pleasure in some way, the teapot can take no credit for the pouring, or for the way in which it's used.

the only thing the teapot has to it's credit is that it was willing and available..... but even there, the Master Potter gives not only the ability to do something, but the will to do something.

Phillipians 2:13 for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure. (nkjv)

and God will not share His glory with another. least of all me, who is just a creature, not the Creator.

so i can take ZERO credit for what God does through me. zip, zilch, zero.

and i feel a really huge caution at this point in my life that i am to be extremely careful that i do not allow myself to apply any spit and polish to my pride - it's shiny and healthy enough as it is... and God's trying to kill it. so i really, literally, can't 'take into myself' anything that strokes my wool just right, where i say, yeah, i really do have pretty wool, don't i?

so, really, i'm not trying to be difficult!!!!! i'm just in a spiritual battle with my pride!

case in point: mom, fully intending to encourage me, said, "well, you're gifts arent the same as being a teapot, becuase a teapot's spout is 'fixed', unchanging, whereas talents grow and change in use, and you play a part in how you use the gifts and abilities God gave you"... (and the enemy says to me, see, give yourself some credit, lynne!) ..... but a red flag comes up in my spirit, a 'NO!' ....because i am a teapot who is still on the Potter's wheel. and it's to God's glory, not my own, that He can/will/would use me in my still unfinished state.

so i'm a teapot....

so i have a spout....

so what?

Phillipians 2:5 Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, 6 who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, 7 but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross. 9 Therefore God also has highly exalted Him and given Him the name which is above every name, 10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of those in heaven, and of those on earth, and of those under the earth, 11 and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

12 Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; 13 for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.

14 Do all things without complaining and disputing, 15 that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, 16 holding fast the word of life, so that I may rejoice in the day of Christ that I have not run in vain or labored in vain. 17 Yes, and if I am being poured out as a drink offering on the sacrifice and service of your faith, I am glad and rejoice with you all. 18 For the same reason you also be glad and rejoice with me. (nkjv)

offenses vs. hurts - from the other side

last wednesday night, i wrote an entry about offenses vs. old hurts, coming primarily from the perspective of 'having been offended', at various times or points in my life.

well, as 'fate' would have it (ahem, 'fate' = GOD), the very next morning someone called me and brought to my attention that something i said recently had wounded them. and as much as i felt grieved that something i said had obviously hurt them, i could not really understand what it was, exactly... i just couldn't get it. i still don't. and to top that off, i've been seeking God for what, three days now, and He has not shown me what i might have said that could have been taken as hurtful, or something i spoke in error.

so here i am, as the offender, on the other side of exactly the type of offense i was talking about the night before that call. 1) i don't get what hurt, and 2) my conscience is so far 'clear' - ie, God has not yet revealed to me anything i spoke that was not of Him, in fact, i feel more comforted that i spoke His heart, ie, instead of pricking my conscience, thus far He seems more to be soothing it!

so how can i be sensitive to the person who was wounded by what i said?

let this be known: I HAVE NO DOUBT THAT THEIR PAIN IS REAL, THAT THEY HAVE A WOUND. i've been there, done that, i know it - it's very real, a very valid wound that God is going to have to heal in that person, and it's not one that is helped by the fact that the offender doesn't 'get it'. ...even tho i do not understand what caused the wound, i feel deeply for this person. i am grieved that they were hurt by something that i said.

but i am beginning to think (my brain is finally catching up to what was in my heart even the night before!) - that it is not necessarily a case of me causing a wound.... but of accidently bumping into a previously existing wound - one that is in some state of healing, but could well be a bruise, scar, or even something that ruptured open again. ...either that, or a 'zit' or 'cyst', a pus-filled pocket of poison or lies, that God wanted to break open to allow for healing. i don't know... but either way, the hurt is there. and i feel helpless to help.

at this point, i just feel like i need to leave it in God's hands... and keep seeking God to reveal to me what i need to know. becuase i do not want to fall into a sense of false righteousness - thinking i did right by God when i didn't - and thus allowing my heart to harden... i will keep tilling the ground and looking for rocks and error and pride regarding this issue. and if there are any, i know He will bring them to the surface.

Highway of Holiness

so this morning, sick still, but antibiotics and anti-inflammatories helping greatly, i got up at 7 to be ready to go to church at 8:15 for worship practice, which ended abnormally early. i wound up in the prayer room where i read isaiah 35:3-10 (nkjv):

3 Strengthen the weak hands, And make firm the feeble knees. 4 Say to those who are fearful-hearted, "Be strong, do not fear! Behold, your God will come with vengeance, With the recompense of God; He will come and save you."
5 Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened, And the ears of the deaf shall be unstopped. 6 Then the lame shall leap like a deer, And the tongue of the dumb sing. For waters shall burst forth in the wilderness, And streams in the desert. 7 The parched ground shall become a pool, And the thirsty land springs of water; In the habitation of jackals, where each lay, There shall be grass with reeds and rushes.
8 A highway shall be there, and a road, And it shall be called the Highway of Holiness. The unclean shall not pass over it, But it shall be for others. Whoever walks the road, although a fool, Shall not go astray. 9 No lion shall be there, Nor shall any ravenous beast go up on it; It shall not be found there. But the redeemed shall walk there, 10 And the ransomed of the Lord shall return, And come to Zion with singing, With everlasting joy on their heads. They shall obtain joy and gladness, And sorrow and sighing shall flee away.

and the part that stuck out in my mind was verses 8 and 9:

8 A highway shall be there, and a road, And it shall be called the Highway of Holiness. The unclean shall not pass over it, But it shall be for others. Whoever walks the road, although a fool, Shall not go astray. 9 No lion shall be there, Nor shall any ravenous beast go up on it; It shall not be found there. But the redeemed shall walk there,

wow. if that aint quite the promise! if i am one of the redeemed, even if i'm a fool, God is going to keep me and protect me. wow!

but how is that going to fit in with today, Lord? is that a word for our church today? gee i dunno.... it makes no sense to me!

hack hack, cough cough... RATIONALIZATION..... i think i think too much.

so all through worship we kept hearing words about righteousness and the righteous path, but did i clue in and speak up? no! (doh!) of course being on the worship team.... no, that's an excuse, i could have if i wanted to... but i was still thinking too much. doh!

so then all through tim's word about our REDEEMING God, i'm like, oh! oh! oh! so did i get up and speak it after? no.... i hestitated and lost any opening. i was still thinking too hard... well, wouldn't that be redundant, Lord? i mean, tim just shared the very same verse in his message.....

oh my gosh, was i just questioning God? i think i was! doh! and i was thinking again! trying to make 'sense' of it, rationalizing it, doh doh doh!!!!!!

and now i'm like, DOH! *whacks self in head*

here it is again:

8 A highway shall be there, and a road, And it shall be called the Highway of Holiness. The unclean shall not pass over it, But it shall be for others. Whoever walks the road, although a fool, Shall not go astray. 9 No lion shall be there, Nor shall any ravenous beast go up on it; It shall not be found there. But the redeemed shall walk there,

well, gee, sometimes you feel unclean, "so who are you to walk that road? you're obviously not walking that road".... LIE! if you have been redeemed, you are walking that road, the Highway of Holiness. you are on that road not becuase of your own righteousness, but becuase God called you to be there, He redeemed you and made you righteous so you are able to walk that road! think you screw up too much? you are a fool? so what! He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it!!!! you'll get there! God is going to keep you on that road, that Highway of Holiness, sanctifying you, making you more holy, and in the meantime - and foreverafter - will keep you from going astray.... and if you do wander off the road, He is gonna fetch you back. and in time you will be less and less a fool... and more and more wise.... but no matter how foolish you still are, how much farther you have to grow, as you are walking down this road, God is going to be faithful to protect you, and keep you for Himself, along the way.

ain't that kewl?

so....

so... i didn't get as much sleep today as i thought i would - none, actually (during the day). ...well, at least i should be able to get to sleep at a decent hour tonight.

so... my head still hurts - feels like i got an icepick in my forehead right now - but i'll live, lol.

so... i watched a movie tonight - love song for bobby long. pretty good movie. ...then i watched the deleted scenes...and wished i hadn't.

so... i did some grocery shopping this afternoon.... and by the time i came with my two bags back to the car, i was exhausted.

so... i don't know why i'm still on the computer tonight when i need to get up early... but i won't be for long! i'm bleary eyed.

so... i'm going to take my various painkillers and antibiotics and various other pills, and hit the sack.... after one game of solitaire. hehe.

this ministers to me

C.H. Spurgeon's Morning Devotional - Saturday October 7, 2006

"Wherefore hast Thou afflicted Thy servant?"-Numbers 11:11

Our heavenly Father sends us frequent troubles to try our faith. If our faith be worth anything, it will stand the test. Gilt is afraid of fire, but gold is not: the paste gem dreads to be touched by the diamond, but the true jewel fears no test. It is a poor faith which can only trust God when friends are true, the body full of health, and the business profitable; but that is true faith which holds by the Lord's faithfulness when friends are gone, when the body is sick, when spirits are depressed, and the light of our Father's countenance is hidden. A faith which can say, in the direst trouble, "Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him," is heaven-born faith.

The Lord afflicts His servants to glorify Himself, for He is greatly glorified in the graces of His people, which are His own handiwork. When "tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope," the Lord is honoured by these growing virtues. We should never know the music of the harp if the strings were left untouched; nor enjoy the juice of the grape if it were not trodden in the winepress; nor discover the sweet perfume of cinnamon if it were not pressed and beaten; nor feel the warmth of fire if the coals were not utterly consumed.

The wisdom and power of the great Workman are discovered by the trials through which His vessels of mercy are permitted to pass. Present afflictions tend also to heighten future joy. There must be shades in the picture to bring out the beauty of the lights. Could we be so supremely blessed in heaven, if we had not known the curse of sin and the sorrow of earth? Will not peace be sweeter after conflict, and rest more welcome after toil? Will not the recollection of past sufferings enhance the bliss of the glorified? There are many other comfortable answers to the question with which we opened our brief meditation, let us muse upon it all day long.

i need a new background

so heres some backgrounds i'm gonna try:

snot-nosed

i'm sick. i apparantly have a sinus infection that's running around my face (anyone see little running shoes in their head?) lol... my jaw is inflamed, it hurts in the jaw joint to chew food, to swallow, my ear hurts, and of course, my blasted whole head hurts, especially on that side (left). i'm now on antibiotics, a prescription anti-inflammatory, and under orders to go to emerg if it gets worse. and this morning i was blowing bloody chunks out of my nose! but i don't feel any worse this morning, and it's always an awesome time to draw near to God when you're sick, y'know?

fear comes and sticks its smelly head in the door, and says, 'you're gonna die, what have you done with your life?'... and i say 'shut up. if i die it's becuase God wants me with Him, which means it's my time, and which means i'll be in the presense of the Lord, worshipping Him forever and ever. and if it's not my time, i'll get better. in the meantime i'm just gonna rest in His arms and go about my day, determining to enjoy life, enjoy time with my Jesus, and not let no snot-nosed brat named Fear into my life, so there!" STOMP!

the pineapple guy!

Bible Baptist Church ~ Audio Sermons:
"# The Pineapple Story (part 1)
# The Pineapple Story (part 2)
- Have you given all of your pineapples to God? By missionary Otto Koning. This is a must listen testimony for every Christian to hear. You will be greatly encouraged by it."

score! if you go to this website you can listen to the guy who wrote the Pineapple Story sharing about it. saweet! hilarious! faith building!

if you don't know what the Pineapple Story is, it's about a missionary in guinea where the locals kept stealing all his pineapples.... and he was mad! ..... but whose pineapples were they in the first place?

offences vs. old hurts

i'm thinking tonight (oh oh! she's thinking again!).... the topic of offenses came up tonight in cell..... so, God, what's the difference between an offence or ought with a person, and an event or situation or comment that comes to us through a person that brings up old hurts?

if you know the person didn't mean to offend, that their heart was right towards you and they were not in some kind of error, is it really an offense? it seems to me that it would be more of something that hurt becuase we have a sensitive scar, bruise, or even unhealed wound from the past, and that the occurance now is simply stirring up old pain, or current issues we are dealing with (or God is bringing up for us to deal with)..... and so our offense is not with the person, but with the unhealed or undealt with thing in our own lives.....

Matthew 18:15 "Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that 'by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.' 17 And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector. " nkjv

it sounds like Jesus was talking specifically about a brother sinning against you. doing wrong. you have an offense, an 'ought' against them as the kjv says, becuase they ought to have done something different, they didn't do what they ought to have done....what they should have done. sin.

*******

i'm thinking that sometimes it's a grey area.... sometimes we think someone did something wrong towards us.... asking them if they intended or realized that ______ was the result of their speech or action. iron sharpening iron!

but something i'm wondering about .... if you had an issue in the past with a person where you feel they let you down badly, and it hurt, but you know they did not intend to hurt you..... and they felt they did the best they could don't understand AT ALL how it was they supposedly hurt you .... isn't it better to just live in peace with them? forgive them, and move on? seek God to heal the old wounds, and realize that if those wounds will be sensitive until they are healed? and resolve not to take personally what someone says or does, and extend forgiveness - instantly if possible - to the one who unknowingly bumps our bruise?

it seems to me, if a person mistakes an old/unhealed hurt - or undealt-with issue in their lives - for an offense, and keeps 'taking the offense to their brother'... they could just be a confusing pest to that person. if a person blames someone for their unhealed hurts or undealt-with issues, they are placing a burden on another person to somehow 'make right' something that isn't theirs to make right. and i feel that laying that kind of load on someone would be.... yup, sin on our part. and not something i 'ought' to do!

so, i definately don't want to do that. yeah, i have some bruises that are still kind of tender. but God is faithfulling bringing about WHOLENESS to the affected area(s). and i fully believe it would be wrong for me to go to the person(s) thru whom i 'got the bruise(s)' and say, in effect, 'look, you did this, don't you understand?', or 'why can't you admit you hurt me?', or 'why can't you just say sorry and make it all better?'..... over and over and over again..... (hmmm.... who is the accuser of the brethren, anyways?)

the 'grey' stuff is an entirely different situation than when a brother sins against us, in which case we are to continue pursuing it to 'resolution'/repentance: "But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that 'by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.' And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector."

Mark 11:25 "And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses." nkjv

....anyone have any thoughts or further insight on this?

faith... for the things that 'are not'

as i was laying in bed this morning, hoping my headache would ease up, i had daydreamy thoughts running though my head. i saw a friend praying for someone, in that slow, quiet way that she does,

"........ Lord ........ i thank You for ________ ........ i thank You for a heart that is tender before you ........"

hold on, there... (i'm alert now, lol!) ...that someone ain't got a heart that is tender before God!!?!!

and God said to me, "Pray the things that are not as though they were."

ooohhhh.

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. For by it the elders obtained a good testimony. By faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible.
~Hebrews 11:1 - 3, nkjv

...of God, in whom he believed--the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were.
~Romans 4:17, niv

todays rant - IE vs Firefox

[if you are not a techie, please KEEP READING anyways... i wrote it in the non-techiest language i could, and it's important if you surf the internet at all... which you obviously do, cuz you're reading this! lol]

if you read my blog, you know that i think internet explorer stinks - but i'm not an 'i hate all things microsoft' kind of person, so bear with me.

i have a blog that i made trial runs of my own templates (or my modified blogger templates) on, and i worked on one until it is darn near perfect, if i do say so myself. it obeys all the recommendations (recognized world wide) for standardizing how browsers display html/css coded web pages - according to 'tidy', one of the tools out there for assesing it, it has only 5 validation errors - which i cannot fix myself as they are part of blogger's own coding. blogger itself doesn't 'validate'. ....it's a three column template, and the center column narrows and widens with the size of the browser window.

here it is in firefox ... plain jane (it's just a template framework), but even spaced and perfectly balanced and obedient to the coding.

narrow: (click on image to enlarge)

wide: (click on image to enlarge)

now, here it is in Internet explorer... notice the background color of the text areas doesn't show up, the left sidebar is glue to the edge of the page, and the bottom of the center column is.... well, whacked:

(click on image to enlarge)

the web page design sucks, eh? no.... internet explorer sucks. and it makes life annoying for coders.

the folks over at microsoft *know* that their browser has rendering issues.... and they seem to like it that way, because their newest version of IE (which i haven't loaded, probably won't until i *have* to) hasn't dealt with it..... i saw one of the webpages i have that uses this template over at a friends house on the new IE... and it was horrible.

it irks me that they don't care about this.

aaarrrrggghhh.

so, get firefox - it's free. or check out the other free browsers over at browse happy.

use whatever you want, but i challenge you, if you are an IE user, to get off the bandwagon.

abecedarian - word craziness!

A.Word.A.Day -- abecedarian ~ would you believe that is a word? seriously? it is!

love it! hahahahahahha

how to lose weight

my thoughts this evening on how i'm losing weight, and my theories on how to do it:

1. cultivate a mindset that a lot of the food that is out there is BAD. read up on the list of chemical additives in your food, and get to know what they can do to the body. sure, they say they are safe becuase they are in small quantities, but add up all the foods they are in, and it's not small quantities anymore.

2. when you look at that burger, mac and cheese, chocolate bar, honey mustard chicken salad, donut, refried beans, etc, look at the list of ingredients. try to pronounce them. if you followed step one, some of them will be familiar, and you appetite for that food may well decrease. never mind the calories, look at the fake stuff: the additives, the hydrogenated oils, the flavor enhancers, the preservatives.... fake stuff. chemicals, or chemically produced.

3. if, after seriously considering what you are about to put into your body, and you still decide you want it (note: YOU still want it, not your cravings still want it!)... then eat it. after all, you're body is a complex creation of God, and can handle SOME junk, lol. deprivation is like, dude, the bestest way to instigate those cravings, y'know?

4. ask God if He wants you to eat it. if He says no, obey Him. if He says you may, then be wise, but not legalistic. if He says, girl, today is a feast day and just enjoy My bounty, then eat! and don't fret about it! and if the enemy comes in and tries to make you feel guilty, stomp his head!

5. forget to eat. keep yourself busy, and when you are really hungry enough that it's dragging your attention from what you're doing, it's time to eat. grab a nectarine or a banana, make some toast and cheese, get that bluberry bran muffin with real butter you drool over from tim's.... eat real food, eat enough to kill the hunger, and don't linger. for example, i get so busy typing or whatever that i'll often forget to eat until mom comes up with a tray! i missed dinner tonight becuase i was so busy, i had a glass of milk to put something in my tummy before i headed out the door, and that did me for the evening, until i got home and snacked on sugar snap peas, baby tomatoes, and a piece of mum's yummy apple crisp, and another glass of milk. real food.

6. eating on the run? think ahead as to what you WILL eat, what will keep you from getting hungry again in a short time, and what you are willing to put in your body. if i'm out and about and really need to pick something up to eat, my wise choice is a cheese croissant from tim's, heated up. becuase i can eat only one (sometimes two) and it keeps me running for a good long time, and the fat and cheese in it far outways the crappy carbs in it, so my blood sugar doesn't go crazy. yeah, it's got who knows what kind of fat, but our bodies can handle some junk (see step 3)... and it's not every day. and it's better than a donut (which are yucky anyway! lol ~ see step 2). so for me, that's a wise choice. becuase, to be honest, if i tell myself that i must get a salad..... i wont. raw veggies just don't sit well on my stomach. and if i make myself eat a salad, i'll probably wind up feeling so danged yucky that i add a danged donut to the danged salad becuase by then i'm danged irritable that i feel so danged deprived because of a danged legalistic rule that says "i shouldn't have a danged croissant, i MUST get a danged salad".... and decide i'm gonna danged well get a danged donut, so danged there!

it's october

God's creation-wise, i LOVE october; autumn's in full swing, colors are changing, the air is crisp, theres nothing as nice as bundling up and heading outside (or, in my case, heading into a bedroom where the window has been open all day and climbing under the covers, breathing in cool, fresh air.) outdoors in october is beautiful.... except by the river if you run into the rotting corpse of a spawned out salmon, lol!

but world-wise? i HATE october - it's the month of halloween. i have to endure symbols of death and gruesomely dressed mannequins residing day and night in stores and malls. last year there was a display in one of the empty store fronts (in our half-empty mall) depicting a gruesome scene, of a beheading if i recall correctly.... a scene straight out of an R-rated horror/slasher movie..... and families walking right past it; the parents, not even seeming to notice the display, pushing their infants in strollers slowly past the gore, patiently holding the hands of their toddlers as they toddle on by the gore, not paying any attention when their school-aged kids stop and linger at the display. i hate to think of the nightmares some of these children might have, especially if they are old enough to realize the violence of it....

as an adult, my recall of such images is disturbing enough. i can't imagine the impression it makes on children.

i hate october.

man arrested for drunk-in-the-Spirit driving

LarkNews.com ~ Man Arrested for Drunk-in-The-Spirit Driving - an old favorite of mine. key word old, if you want new stuff, here's the main page.

my opinion

i am somewhat opinionated at times, lol, and i just thought i'd share one of my opinions.

last week i came to be in the same airspace as someone i don't know, a lady with VERY strong fragrance on her clothes.... likely a combination of scents as you would get with multiple doses of fragranced hair products, cologne/perfume, strong deodorant, and dryer sheets.... almost an instant asthma attack for me, as frequently happens.

thing is, i noticed this lady looked tired, exhausted, beat... and had dark circles under her eyes..... like someone with bad allergies or asthma has. and i felt like going to her and saying 'do you have allergies or asthma?'... and if the response was affirmative as i'm sure it would be, to say rather bluntly, 'then you need to get all sources of chemical fragrances out of your home'.

many people's immune system can handle being bombarded with the thousands of un-natural fragrance chemicals that go into even only one perfume... or fabric softener... or hair product... but increasingly, many of us can't. more and more are unable to handle it, what with there being SO MANY chemicals in our entire planet's airspace.... (see teflon note below)....

opinion as follows: get the chemicals out of your home. seriously. there are so many side-effects of so many chemicals, dangerous chemicals that are in so many household and personal care products, chemicals that 'they' say are 'safe' becuase they are in such small quantities.... but add up all the products we use, other's use, and are in our industrialized world's airspace, and it's not small quantities anymore. what you use in your laundry or bath or kitchen, or is sprayed on your new couch, or offgassing from your carpets or particle-board furniture, you are breathing in, ingesting, or absorbing through your skin. and it could be very well the very thing that is making you sick.

***

(teflon note: i saw a documentary (on the 5th Estate?) about how teflon breaks down into a molecule that 100% NEVER occurs in nature.... and they are finding this molecule in the flesh of seals and polar bears at the north pole.... all this from teflon pans and teflon coated fabrics, and whatever else they coat with teflon. teflon is the only known source of this bizarre molecule, and they have no idea what it could do. it's almost guaranteed in yours and mine's body as well, they said. who knows what that could result in.... could it be one reason why there is so many cancers in the last 20 years? but we assume teflon to be safe, becuase it's on our frying pans... and we never think twice about it.)

oh, and did you know, there is formeldahyde in pretty much all commercial toothpastes?

don't take my word for all this.... you have a computer, gooooogle it.

giving, stewardship, and movies

well, today made a big ding in my bank account. a BIG ding. a TOO big ding.

i got some stuff for a baby shower, and as i was piling stuff into my basket, i asked God if i should get all of this, or be a 'good steward' and be careful and not get so much. after all, i'm near broke already, and payday for the month was last week.

you can tell what i thought the answer would be, right?

but the answer was, basically, "if you withhold what I prompt you to give, then I am under no obligation to provide for your needs."

so yup, i got it all, despite what my logic thought.

cuz obedience is better than..... well, disobedience.

and yup, He will provide for my needs. i know it. i know that i know that i know it!

it's a FAITH THANG!

and that's God's wisdom.

anyways, tonight i thought me and mom could rent a movie (it's been MONTHS since i've rented a movie, if not over a year!) and watch it on my friends biggish screen tv (well, hey, it's bigger than mine) - i'm house-sitting for them, and they've given me free reign over their fridge, pantry, puter, AND long distance!!!!! MWHAHAHHAHAAHA..... anyways, yeah, they wouldn't mind us watching a movie and eating their popcorn, lol.

so we go to rent a movie, i figure a new release, but mom makes some kind of noise about non-new releases being cheaper.... well, the deal is, rent two get one free, so i figure for a week, we could watch three movies, right? so i find three movies, and can't help but keep looking in case there's something better, and i soon find another, and hey, the next deal is rent three get two free! so hey, it's a savings, right? and then, of course, there is that candy i ALWAYS get when we rent movies (i rarely have sugar treats, so it's a 'tradition! hehe).... and i resist the urge to get 'dvd insurance'. the grand total? over $21!!!!! all to save money on renting a new release, which would of cost what, $8 including the candy? well yeah, we now have 5 movies to watch, but gee, in order to save money i spent more money.

sucker.

but i look at $8 for one movie, and compare it to $21 for 5 movies, and yeah, it STILL seems like the better deal, y'know?

but that's man's wisdom.

cuz whats the spiritual value of wasting time (albeit enjoyably wasted time) on worldy movies?

well, you do get to see how the 'world' thinks, in case you somehow forgot.

but that argument/debate/wishywashing could go on forever!!!

see? man's wisdom. wayyyyy below God's wisdom. our ways are definately NOT His ways. cuz many people would say blowing big bucks on a baby shower when i'm near broke is stupid.... but not to God. it's like the widow who gave only a penny... but it was her only penny, period. a faith thang. but the world tells us that 5 movies (rent three get two free) is a deal. so we reason and rationalize and try to be good stewards.... and reason and rationalize ourselves out of the perfect will of God.

but He allows it for a reason.... tonight, i learned a good lesson: i'm a first class sucker!

****
postscript: the movie we watched tonight was called "Mean Creek", and it was REAAALLLYYY good. i can't say awesome, becuase only God is awesome, y'know? hehe. anyways, it's about a boy who gets beat up... then his older brother and his friends come up with a way to 'teach the bully a lesson' by pulling a prank on him... but it turns tragic. if you've led a sheltered life and have virgin ears, there is a lot of juvenile sex jokes and general potty mouth at the beginning, so if it's something you havent heard before you may not want to expose yourself to it.... but if it's nothing new to you, it's worth tolerating because it sets the scene realistically and it's stuff i heard in high school frequently, and that was a naive 15-17 years ago! lol. it examines heavy moral issues, and why people 'turn out' the way they do... worth the rental for sure. rated R, and i give it 'two thumbs up', lol.