Saturday, December 06, 2008

this december sucks

ok, i'm gonna be bare, here. be nice to me....

...here it is....

...it's 'offish' - i've decided this december sucks.

i've never had a hard time with the holidays.... but usually i've had some money to ease things through.... and a car.

but this year:

  • i've never felt so poor.
  • i've never *been* so poor.
  • i've never felt so lonely.
  • i've never felt so listless.
  • i've never felt so sick of being sick (almost 2 months).
  • i've never felt so housebound.
  • i've never *been* so housebound.
  • i've never been so alone with just me, myself, and i.
  • i've never wished i could have a pet quite this much,
  • and my house has never felt so big and empty!

i've also never felt quite this 'transportationally dependant'.... the car - i want to blow it up. i can't stand the thought of it mildering away for the winter, unused (it takes forever to warm up and i don't have much gas so i haven't bothered), the tires going flat again, it's covered with snow, and at any time i expect the landlords to come knocking saying 'get that thing out of here!'....it feels like 'mom's last great monkey on my back' - and an expensive one at that. i don't know what to do with it, i don't know who to talk to about it, and i don't want to put this monkey on anyone else's back!!!!

it would be a relief if it would just disappear on me. *sigh*.

now... if i could just... get down... there... and rescue... my sleeping bag... from the back seat.... cuz it wasn't cheap either.

....now, because a friend treated me to my groceries this week.... *wows n thankfulness* .... i was able to spare a wee bit for my favorite magazine - the one and only magazine that i've ever promised myself i would get *every issue* of because it's so creatively inspiring... ....so you would *think* it would feel like a lovely treat and a little pick me up.... but no, i feel horrible and guilty for buying it for 'wasting the money on myself', especially after someone else picked up the tab on my necessities!!!.....

...mentally i know - at least i think i know - it's stupid... but i can't get over it thus far. ...and i see other people going christmas shopping, and thinking about cards and wrapping and gifts.... and i wish i could. much as i'd like to send out cards, nope. not an option this year. not even murry chrishmush. don't even got the ink to print some out and *hand* them to people. oh woe is me, self-piteous me, right? well, bleh.

and the thing bringing me to tears right now? i have $30 (plus change) in my wallet. i can either use it for my ticket for the christmas banquet,or... groceries to last until the 17th. hem, haw. what the hell do i do? ...and here i blew $10 on my favorite magazine? *whack*

i do have a few free movie rental tickets i got early this fall, but... a friend didn't take a movie back till it was a few days late, so i have about $25-30 in late fees. rendering the free movie tickets basically useless. ...maybe *thats* where the money should go - paying my debts!?! aarrrgghhh!!!!!

yup, this december officially sucks.

but hey, look on the bright side, i found my clodhoppers.

***

*later*:... i'm gonna get these buttocks out of the house. i'm going to take some of said moneys and put on my found clodhoppers and walk to timmies and get a hot coffee and sit, and either read or write (haven't decided yet). the $2.00 expense of having fresh air, exercise, a destination - and time out of the house!!! - is cheaper than my beloved long-lost ball class.... *sniffs*. and dang it, i'm worth it! .... well, at least right now that's the overriding opinion....
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2 comments:

  1. Creatorschilde6:24 a.m.

    *hugs* Oh Darlin, I wish I could afford to ship you up here for Christmas, I really do. But please remember, should funds ever become available - that our doors are always open to you - for Christmas, or any other day.
    I know what its like to bee broke, alone and greiving over the holidays, and it isnt anything Id ever wish for anyone. My prayers and my hopes are so with you this year Lynnie. I love you, never forget that.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lynnie Ha4:10 p.m.

    thanks hun. (((hugs)))... miss ya.

    ReplyDelete

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THIS BLOG IS IN NEED OF AN OVERHAUL. there are posts from years back i would not be able to post in good conscience now. i plan to overhaul the blog, and either delete or add a disclaimer to those posts. but that is gonna take time....

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"The Spirit never loosens where the Word binds; the Spirit never justifies where the Word condemns; the Spirit never approves where the Word disapproves; the Spirit never blesses where the Word curses." —Thomas Brooks

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