first, what is shame? i could *not* relate to what was given as an example of shame to what *i* know of as shame. to me, the experience of things like having a big nose, developing hormonally before other girls, wearing old clothes, being chubby wubby, and other things that cause feelings of inadequacy, embarrassment, or self-consciousness does not bring shame. it may *feed* shame, yes, but those feelings in and of themselves are not what i relate to as shame - inadequacy? yes. embarrassment? yes. self-consciousness? yes. but shame? - no.
here are the notes i jotted down, during the service, of what *i* experience shame to be:
what is shame? - it's not just feelings of inadequacy! .... it's the sense of "being" wrong - not wrong like having given a wrong answer - but foundationally, fundamentally *wrong*. ... not just flawed, but *a* flaw.
it has nothing with how others see you, it's how you've come to see yourself. ... like you do not belong on earth, like God made a mistake in making you. .... not apologizing for a wrong deed, but apologizing for your very existance.
not that you've made mistakes or are capable of mistakes, but that you *are* a mistake, and *only* capable of mistakes. it's not about having or not having hair, skills, or size... it's about *being*. it's existential to the very core.
your state of being is *unacceptable*. your being is *unacceptable*. your existance is *unacceptable*. your very humanity is *unacceptable*.
why am *i* not ashamed of the gospel? i am not ashamed of the gospel because i am not ashamed *in* the gospel - it is the only *place* of being where there IS NO SHAME...!!!!!
to me, that is the essence of shame. being unable to stand, to justify one's own existance or state of being. of not being *ok*.... even where God has said we *are* ok, even though it's ok - in fact preferred! - that we are *not* ok!!! (He has chosen the weak and foolish over the 'ok' - 1 Cor 17:27-29)
it's the difference between being *in* error, and being *an* error.
it's the difference between being a human with flaws, and being flawed for being human.
it's the difference between "here i am, just little ol' me", and "here i am, but i shouldn't be".
and the gospel that brought me to Jesus is the very reason why, when i've done all i can do, i *can* stand, unashamed, accepted, wanted. but where shame is the experience of being so existentially flawed that i should not even exist, "Jesus....who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning it's shame, and sat down at the throne of God..." He went to the place where my very shame dictates i should go.... He went in my place. He removed my shame. in Him, and only in Him, can i stand, can i be, can i live and move and have my being....
Eph 6:13 keeps coming to mind: "Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.".... i see a hill, a battlefield wasteland, littered with bodies, the enemy crowing, fierce, towering above..... "see, you are nothing!" .... and i am in rags, bloody, weary, alone, defenseless, my weapons stolen from my very hands, no help around me - no friend or angel or army of God....... and *yet*....... nevertheless..... i straighten my knees and rise to stand on my feet.... i stand, frail, in defiance, the enemy having done all he can to defeat me; me having done all, exhausting my every resource.... yet he *cannot* take away my being... my existence, my state of being.....my position in Christ.... me. he may be able to take my life (according to the will of God, of course) - but he *cannot* cast me down....he cannot take my humanity from me, my acceptance away from me, my redemption, my inheritance, or my status as a child of God. i can *stand* before the enemy, with nothing left to fight with, and no strength or resources within myself to call upon, with no weapon other than the sheer knowledge that *i am loved* by the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, and knowing *nothing* can take that away.... and so i stand - i can stand, and i *will* stand - having done all... defiant, victorious, secure, in peace, and UNASHAMED.
if the gospel, in effect, un-ashamed me.....how could i ever be ashamed of the gospel?
oh lynne - *that* was possibly the best thing Ive read in a loooong while. Thank you so much for posting that.
ReplyDeleteuhhh btw - once more - I need your phone# - could you email it to me, or post me a message on FB?