peace

its so amazing to me how every time i come into the presence of the Lord - at cell, prayer, church! - and bring to Him one particular issue in my life.... i come away with a greater and greater sense of peace about it, vision for it, a sense of His sovereignty and destiny at work in my life.

and how many times He's shown me, when i've heard His voice like this, it's HIM. i've ignored it in the past, doubted it, shoved it away because someone says "oh that's not God!".... and then realized later it was Him after all.... and can recognize with more and more certainty this particular way in which He ministers to my heart, and i do not want to ignore Him.

BUT.

there is someone in my life who is wise and in a position of counsel in my life, which i want and invite and respect deeply, that in this one particular area speaks contrary to what i'm hearing and sensing from God.

and that brings turmoil.

mostly because i do not want to be guilty of not heeding their counsel, i do not want to disappoint them, i do not want to be perceived as rebellious, etc.

but again, today, i was trying to wrap my brain around this conflict during worship, and God spoke in one line of a song we sang directly, like an arrow, to my heart.

the song:

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

and the line that stood out to me? (and not for the first time, also at cell a week or two ago.)

...i dare not trust the sweetest frame...

not the sweetest person, not the most beautiful, learned, wise counsellor, no-one, not if they contradict what God is saying.

i know that i know that i know that i can hear God on this, i do hear God on this, i have heard from God on this, and will continue to be able to hear from Him on this.

but this person unwittingly brings doubt to me that i am able to hear God, am able to trust His Voice, His ability to lead me and direct me and keep me.

this is one of those "And when he brings out his own sheep, he goes before them; and the sheep follow him, for they know his voice. Yet they will by no means follow a stranger, but will flee from him, for they do not know the voice of strangers", and, "My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me", things. (john 10).

this is a Voice that i've come to trust.

so, on one side of a very important issue in my life, is a human being that i trust immensely, and the Voice that i have come to trust as being the Voice of God, a God who is trustworthy beyond comprehension. which one do i listen to?

it's obvious, yes?

harrumph. if only.

i still have this struggle, this mentality, that if i 'disobey' a person, their perspective, even just a suggestion or recommendation (bad girl! *smack*) ...i am also disobeying God. all the pressure inside me is to follow the counsel of this person and turn from what i honestly, in my heart of hearts, believe to be God.

the work of Christ was done, in part, to remove the need for a priest. to make us able to speak to God, face to face. to be answerable to Him and Him alone.

no human, however 'sweet', beautiful, worthy of respect, or valuable their counsel, can come between that.

oh, the tearing in me.... to break away from following of men, following their principles and counsels (right or wrong), other's directions.... it's so glued to me, like it's my compass, it's where i must look, anything else is *not allowed*...... oh, the deep roots of catholistic training of unquestioning obedience, how deep they go, and how hard to dig them out.

but i *have* to walk into the 'unknown' and trust God, and Him alone.

every moment i hesitate to put the full trust and leading of my life in this area off a person and on to God is faithlessness and rebellion. it's like a ripping bandage, aarrrgghh!!!!!!

but i must trust God on this issue. when i do, there is peace, deep, unquestioning, unwavering peace.

and you know what? i might miss it. i am learning, here. and when learning, one does not do things perfectly. but what God wants me to do here is to trust Him, and not lean on man, to not defer my responsibility to respond to God to another person.

and i think that is the key here: who is responsible for responding to what one's conscience believes is God? the wise human counsellor?... or the person with the conscience - the antennae that are picking up the Master's Radio - and has the conviction that it is indeed Him?

it will be me standing before God, with only Jesus at my side mediating for me. no other human with be standing with me.

i cannot defer to another person. i just cannot.

and so here i am, having to step out, and walk down a slightly different path, where only the Spirit of God goes before me, and no man.

Lord help me!

my only goal is obedience to You.

........ then why do i feel like such a naughty bad girl that needs to be punished for disobeying?

shut up, accuser. shut up, liar. shut up, shut up, shut up!