dreampt (yes that's a word, stupid spell checker...) that i, on the spur of the moment (good clue there, sherlock), signed on for some kind of kitchen aide class (which i have *no* interest in, in real life), full time 4 months or so.
....and second day of class, i forgot my book, kept losing my pencil, kept losing my paper, which was only a scrap of paper, and then i kept getting it wet and i couldn't write on it, and i kept losing track of what the class was doing, what the teacher was saying, what i was supposed to be doing and where and why, and where's that damned pencil, any why is my paper wet, is this where i was sitting before i got up, why is what he is talking about completely different than it was 30 seconds ago? and where's my damned pencil?!!
....all the time trying to figure out how to hide my disorientation from the teacher so he wouldn't notice. cuz then i'd get kicked out of class for not keeping it together good enough (you *should* be able to do this, just *choose* to focus, girl, no one is going to help you if you choose not to focus!) ..... and then have dropped a second program this fall.
and when i am awake, i realize this is my daily life. it's really how my brain works. (or it is non-works?).....
it's why my house is entering disaster mode after only two days of being home, why i keep forgetting to eat, why my bills don't get paid, why i forget my meds, why that "it's only $15 at walmart, i can afford this" works really great on top of all the other "it's only a little bit" expenditures that i forgot about, why the roast beef blood that dripped all over my fridge confuses me (how the hell do i deal with that?!?), and i am a general fuzzy nutbar.
and always trying to conceal it.
(irony of ironies, as i am re-reading this, the song playing on my playlist is "deadbeat club" from the B-52s. "what?! get a job? what for?!....")
actually, that line i wrote, "(you *should* be able to do this, just *choose* to focus, girl, no one is going to help you if you choose not to focus!)" reminds me heavily of something someone said to me the day i got out of the hospital, about having to *want* to do live and function independantly, and *choosing* to act on it.... and then i felt oh, so heavy.
cuz how the hell do you pick and choose your way through a brain like this? it's like being in a continual state of disorientation and someone comes along and says, "aww it's not that bad, just make a choice to do it, and then just do it!, take every thought captive and put it in order, you can do that cuz the bible tells you you can... we love you and we'll be here with you, but it's up to you to make good choices and to know what to do, and we can't make those choices for you......"
here's a life raft for you lynnie, but you gotta come over to the side of the boat and get it, because we all know you *can* swim, what's a few waves when you can do all things through Christ which strengthens you? you just have to choose to get your head back above the water and swim....
(i do realize fully that this is *no* one's heart towards me, that all who love and support me want the best for me and are doing the best they know how. this is just what my brain computes, k?)
there is a subtle difference between gentle waves.... and the disorientation of hurricane force sea spray, flying debris, and being unable to see or breathe for the lashing waves and high wind and random junk flying at you.
but swim, lynnie! swim! you can do it!
***
as writing, i remember this video i came across set to casting crowns. of particular encouragement to me is bruce's 'success' in beating the storm, and just how he winds up back in the boat....
This post is already old, but I've been offline!
ReplyDeleteThis whole mentality of "you can do it if you try" is just plain old LAW -- and you've been redeemed from the curse of the law. Law says "You need to try harder." God's grace says, "I'll do it all for you! You don't have to do a thing!"
All those promises in the Word (like "I can do all things..." and "take every thought captive") are meant to encourage you, not discourage you. God's heart towards you is one of a great Father who is eager to carry your burdens, not load you down with impossible expectations. God's yoke is easy and His burden is light. The whole point of the gospel is that we CAN'T make it on our own, and God is thrilled to do it for us.
I occasionally think that the whole Peter-stepping-out-of-the-boat thing is misused and misinterpreted as an "apply yourself" illustration. I think of it more as a "wow, look what Jesus can do for me when I'm totally useless!" kind of story. Have you taken your eyes off Jesus? No. Does God expect you to take some huge independant steps? No.
So, yeah, this is a long comment. But I can't stand to have you feel so burdened down with unrealistic expectations! God doesn't give us more than we can handle. This situation is more than you can handle... so God is the one who will have to handle it. He can do it. You can't.
Be free to lean on Him, Lynne!!!!
thanks, gwen.... thanks... (((hugs)))
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