well, i hate playing it anyways. i love the sound of it, i love hearing it come from my fingers, but i get so wired after playing it for only a few minutes i wanna scream. TOO MUCH INPUT!!!!
i'm asking my hands to fly across a keyboard in arpeggios and trills and yada yada yada, the music is flying through my brain, and i swear i'm gonna combust.
today when i went for some training time with God on the piano (He's training my hands to war and my fingers to fight, y'see?), and for some reason, instead of my worship music/God-songs, i pulled out my classical books from under my piano, where they are safely stowed, waiting dustily for the one time a year i pull one out. i amazed myself at how i could pick out old songs i played as a kid with a fair bit of ease - rustily, but easily..... then i grabbed my suzuki book with the something-teen odd pages of a mozart sonata (or some such - a sonatina maybe? i dunno) i was making myself learn about 10 years ago... and i could still play it quite easily - again, rustily, but easily.... i played about 6 pages non-stop then had to get up from the piano and hollar!
aaarrrggghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
how is it that i can play it and hate it so?
it's so intense, so emotionally loaded for me. and i feel like never trying to play classical again.... never, ever again!
but i'm not going to say that - i don't want to put a ban/curse on myself, y'know?
it's been at least a year since i pulled out my classical books last.... when i also pulled them out for a day or two and shoved them back because it was too intense....having not pulled them out for year or more before that.
so i've played maybe 6 hours of classical piano in the last 3 years, since i've moved into this house.... and i can still pick up a complex mozart sonata(or whatever it is).
i feel kind of sick right now. it could be the can of oysters i scarfed down for dinner, mind you, but i'm having a heavy realization that i'm crazy talented at piano and that's a gift of God to be used... but i feel like it could undo me!
i feel like i could wind up living in a cave, on a quiet mountain side, trying to silence all the melodies running - running - running through my head, screaming to get out.... like a crazed musical savant genious hermit or something.... coming down the mountain (when she comes.... lalala) only once a month for supplies, with crazy hair and humming constantly and not talking to anyone unless i'm singing it melodically......
....and i'm only slightly exaggerating! aarrrgghhh!!!!!
if i don't play, i'm ok. i have "control" over the music in my head, it's more fun than anything, and comes in useful for writing music God gives me.....
but when i play the pia-pia-piano, as in classically, all... hell? ... breaks loose.
hmm.
i think maybe it's God's timing for me to break through in this somehow.
i feel like throwing my computer monitor through my window.... how sane is that? lol
but.... *sigh*...
ok, God... i'm willing. if it's classical you want me to play, too, besides worship and God-songs, then show me... i'll play classical if you want me to.... but You'll have to break this/anoint this/heal this...this whatever it is. cuz i can't do it!
aaarrrggghhh!!!!!
i wonder..... what's the point of classical music in God's kingdom, anyways?
I wish I had the talent of playing Classical piano! That is one instrument I would have loved to learn!
ReplyDeleteit's never too late! i just had such a horrible time with lessons as a kid (8 years of them), it makes it hard to play to this day. i hope it's better for most kids in piano lessons than it was for me!
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