if i don't have the faith for sharing something (yet), if i step out and do it anyways am i going before God, that is disobedience. if i am developing my gift - no, if God is developing my gift - in practice, in private, when i am alone at home, - until God calls me to bring it forth, it's not disobedient to not share it 'right now'. it's God's timing. i can only go by what i sense God is saying and follow that sense, TRUSTING that if it's a wrong sense, God will right it, y'know?
sometimes man says things that make us want to push it onward, forward.... a comment like, 'oh, you know your giftings arent just for you to keep to yourself at home!"...then the thoughts come, "oh, well then i should be sharing now, right? i mean that's bible, right? get off yer duff girl, and just do it!"
BUT IT'S ALL ABOUT GOD's TIMING!!!!!
if i have a fire in my bones and the inclination is to RUN, NOW.... but it's not God's timing.... then it's premature, too early, i'm not ready yet. it may seem wrong to man (it may seem to others, or to myself, that i'm ready NOW!), but it's right to God for me to wait out the training time.... He knows what He's doing. and i want to care what God thinks about it ONLY. not what man thinks. i don't want to run ahead - you don't send a child into war to do a man's job, y'know? and right now He is training my hands for war and my fingers for battle.... and i'm still weak in it, still unskilled, still... not ready.
in know tho, that when i feel the weakest, most inept, most unable.... that's when He's gonna say "go".... when i'm weak, He is strong.
ok, then that's proof that i should go now, then, right? cuz i'm weak! perfect opportunity to let God be strong!
no! aaarrrgghhh!!!!!! lol .... and so the mind games continue.
i've been meditating sorta on this today since the morning service..... and then i read this from my utmost (by oswald chambers):
In Our Lord's life every project was disciplined to the will of His Father. There was not a movement of an impulse of His own will as distinct from His Father's - "The Son can do nothing of Himself." Then take ourselves - a vivid religious experience, and every project born of impulse put into action immediately, instead of being imprisoned and disciplined to obey Christ.This is a day when practical work is overemphasized, and the saints who are bringing every project into captivity are criticized and told that they are not in earnest for God or for souls. True earnestness is found in obeying God, not in the inclination to serve Him that is born of undisciplined human nature. It is inconceivable, but true nevertheless, that saints are not bringing every project into captivity, but are doing work for God at the instigation of their own human nature which has not been spiritualized by determined discipline.
this is like confirmation for me, that when i feel that 'guilt' that i'm not sharing openly and freely yet is not from God.... the conviction i have is when He knows i'm ready, i'll share more.
so, am i settled on this issue now? not totally.... but then i'm not feeling the greatest, and my thoughts are kind of mushy, lol. one think i do know, have faith for, is this: IN GOD'S TIMING, HE'LL GIVE ME THE WILL, THE ABILITY, AND THE FAITH to do what He wants me to do.... in His timing, and no sooner.
full on frontal attack of questions and fretting about my calling.... *sigh*... but then it's a sure sign i've doing something right!
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